This Day in Death

5.11.12: Local Strip-Club Patron/Pervert – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:55 am May 23, 2012

Eyewitness reports that the man once scored four touchdowns in a single game remain unconfirmed.


Well, nobody famous that I care about died today, so that means it’s time to mock a private citizen. It’s a little something called journalistic integrity.

A 67-year-old man died after enjoying a number of lap dances at a strip club.

Robert Gene White, from El Paso County, Texas, was at the Red Parrot strip club on Friday night.

Manager of the club said the elderly man had been getting lap dances, but when it came to paying the dancers, he was unresponsive.

Employees tried to perform CPR on White and when that didn’t work they called emergency responders.

He was take to a local hospital where he was declared dead from natural causes.

I’m doing pretty well for myself nowadays, if this construction paper top hat is any indication. Nonetheless, it’s a good idea to save money wherever you can, and White had a pretty solid situation going here. I mean, not the dying thing. Or the living in Texas thing, for that matter. Lord no. I’m still hoping that somehow the entire state is just an insanely intricate set for some unfinished Kurosawa film about cows.

No, I’m talking about faking your death and having a couple of fun-loving buddies haul you out of the club, Weekend at Bernie’s style, when the issue of payment comes up. It may not work, but I’ve gotta try something. I used to write strip clubs off as a medical expense but I think my CPA is dangerously close to discovering that “chronic bonerrhaging” has a spotty history in the healthcare community.


Source: Mail Online

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3.17.12: Ruby Garrett, Owner of Butte, Montana’s Last Brothel – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:22 am March 29, 2012

Somebody crack a window and let some of that sexy out.


If I knew anything about women my eHarmony profile would probably have significantly fewer references to Truck Nutz, so it should come as no surprise that just about the only thing I have in common with brothel owner Ruby Garrett is a belief that prostitution should be legalized. Well, that, and the fact that we both look irresistible in frilly collars. But now she’s dead, and I fear that young people won’t find sex appealing anymore without the moral guidance of a nonagenarian from Montana. The AP reports:

Ruby Garrett ran the last brothel standing in this mining town’s once-lively red-light district with a reputation for kindness toward her girls, but the grandmotherly figure was also a husband-shooting, tax-evading madam who once said that prostitution should be considered a commodity.

Hang on, let’s skim ahead a little…

People who knew Garrett in her later years remembered a kind person who looked out for the women who worked at the Dumas. Ellen Crain, director of the Butte-Silver Bow Archives, said Garrett was a savvy businesswoman who felt strongly about treating the women well and took pride in keeping the brothel clean and orderly.

Little more…

Les Baldwin, one of those who turned out to bid her farewell, told an Associated Press reporter at the party: “I think it’s a crime that a fine woman like this is sent to prison. I’ve done more things wrong than this woman.”

Uh… little more, I guess…

Garrett pleaded guilty in 1982 to failing to failing to pay $51,670 in federal taxes from 1975 to 1978. She received a six-month sentence and was fined $10,000, which she said she paid with a loan from a friend.

How long is this goddamn obituary, AP? Did you seriously just lay out 650+ words on the owner of a whorehouse? I could die falling out of a plane while battling Hilter’s reanimated corpse and I can guarantee you my own mother wouldn’t have half as much to say at my funeral. Is Henry Darger working with the AP or something? Get an editor.

(And let’s take a moment to appreciate how intelligent that last reference was. Thank you.)

Source: Associated Press

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02.25.12 – Some Zimbabwean Prostitute – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 1:58 am February 25, 2012

Three abandoned Photoshops and twenty minutes of image searching later and this was the only picture I could come up with that wasn’t either racist or incredibly depressing. So enjoy this view of Zimbabwe’s majestic Victoria Falls, where dreams are made!


Obviously, the best way to give this story the solemn dignity it demands is with a clumsy run-on sentence. What have you got for me, Zimbabwean news site that’s obviously not written by native English-speakers?

The woman [editor’s note: he means whore] had been hired overnight on Sunday evening, but decided to wash her clients clothes the following morning and as she was hanging the clothes on the laundry line, she was electrocuted, dying on the spot, said Lameck Chirwa, who stays in the neighbourhood where the incident occurred.

Mmmmm, that’s some spicy poor syntax! But hang on… can you clarify something for me…

The sex worker, Mati Nhamo, had reportedly spent the night at her clients place

She spent the night? Dude! Hasn’t this guy ever heard that you don’t pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave afterward? And this guy has the nerve to call himself a degenerate. *cracks air whip repeatedly*

Beyond that, Nhamo’s family is refusing to bury her until the client, Last Mbele (cool name, bro), first pays them a dowry. This guy signed up for a simple, carefree night of swimming in the kind of South African STDs that make Gonorrhea look like a stubbed toe and instead got boondoggled into a marriage. Zimbabwe: Teaching you that prostitution is wrong, but for totally different reasons than you thought.

Source: NewsDay

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