This Day in Death

1.9.13: Balcony Lap Dancer – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:18 am January 11, 2013

CHRISTIES_CABARETCome to Christie’s Cabaret, where drug lords meet to discuss murder plots in movies about dystopian futures!

 

I don’t know much about these things because I’m usually tied up with my Christian praise band on the weekends, but apparently a ‘strip club’ is a place where a group of gentlemen can go to become sexually aroused and then try to withhold release. It’s sorta like a game of Ejaculate Chicken, except that nobody wins. Nobody ever, ever wins.

After spending a week in critical condition at the MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland, exotic dancer Lauren Block succumbed to injuries she sustained after hitting her head in a 15-foot fall from a strip club balcony.

You know what would prevent tragedies like this in the future? Suicide nets. I mean, it could kill that legendary hopeful ambiance that strip clubs are known for, but when those girls finally get that Associate’s Degree in General Studies they’ll thank me.

Alright, look; I’m not gonna make fun of a young woman who was simply trying to do the best job she could. If the stockboys at Target cared half as much as she did about putting her customers at ease then maybe I wouldn’t feel awkward asking them if there’s such a thing as gluten-free Preparation H. I have… highly-specific problems.

At any rate, the cockblockers at OSHA are planning an investigation into the club’s safety measures, or at least that’s the excuse they’ll be using for spending two weeks at a strip club. I can’t really blame them; It’s Cleveland. Your entertainment options are pretty limited. It’s basically go to a strip club, take a crystal meth cooking class, or visit the Krispy Kreme that Drew Carey grew up in. It’s like Disneyland for people who want to kill themselves but just need a little more convincing.



Source: Gawker

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11.28.12: Astrophysicist Steven Rawlings – DEAD AFTER SUFFERING A TOTAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND THEN BEING HEADLOCKED BY A SIKH AND WTF, MAN?!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:45 am December 5, 2012

 There are three things I’m not gonna mock for cheap hahas here: People with mental illnesses, astrophysicists, and Buff Love from the Fat Boys. You’ve earned your peace, big guy.

 

Okay, this one is gonna get real dark real fast, and that actually makes for a surprisingly tough job for me. What can I say, I like my work like I like my women: Easy. And usually Asian.

Professor Steven Rawlings, an eminent astrophysicist, suffered a fatal heart attack after being pinned to the ground in self defence by his oldest friend and fellow Oxford academic Dr Devinderjit Sivia.

He described his friend as confused and agitated and explained how he suddenly walked towards him shouting: “I’m going to kill you.”

“Suddenly he swung around without warning and punched me in the face, his clenched fists hit me in the face.

“He was screaming ‘you’re going to die, you’re going to die’,” Dr Sivia told the inquest.

Okay, in fairness, the odds suggest that Dr. Sivia WILL die at some point. That’s just basic statistics. So you could make the case that Rawlings wasn’t so much mentally disturbed as he was just very foreward-thinking. They wanted to kill Galileo for the same thing, and that guy ended up on the $100 bill.

Giving evidence at the inquest Professor Rawlings’ wife Linda, 50, said he had initially suffered mental health “side effects” 15-years ago after taking the controversial anti-malaria drug Lariam during a holiday to Kenya.

See, this is why I don’t travel. That, and the TSA has a thing about getting on a plane wearing a fully-stocked bandoleer, even though I politely explained to them that it’s strictly for fashion. The only crime that’s been committed here is being TOO style-conscious, Security Inspector Davidson!

As the pair struggled, Dr Sivia managed to restrain him in a headlock, holding him for around 20 minutes until eventually he uttered the phrase “goodbye cruel world” and went limp.

Dr Sivia told the inquest he initially thought Professor Rawlings was playing dead and believed “goodbye cruel world” was a reference to a Pink Floyd song they had been listening to earlier in the day.

“I thought this might be a ploy to get me to release him because it was so melodramatic,” he told the inquest.

Absolutely nothing about this makes sense and it’s really starting to feel like one of those Saved By the Bell episodes where the gang breaks a vase and keep making their situation exponentially worse by lying about it and eventually they learn the value of honesty. Except, in this case, they murdered a guy. I mean, maybe that happened at some point, I never really got into that College Years bullshit. It’s time to stop scheming, Zack! This is your future! GodDAMMIT.

But when he realised he was not getting up he then emailed the professor’s wife to apologise for killing him.

Mrs Rawlings said: “At 2230 I got an email from Devinder saying, ‘I’m terribly sorry but I’ve killed him, sorry Devinder’.

Dude! An email! That was the level of urgency the evening’s events had merited. Apparently accidental murder isn’t Skype-worthy. Why does nobody involved in this thing act like a human being? This whole debacle is one precocious teenage conspiracy theorist away from being a Don DeLillo short story.

 

Source: The Telegraph

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8.11.12: Gay Marriage Protester Who Set Fire to General Mills’ Lawn – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:05 pm August 17, 2012


Dying of a heart attack after destroying a food product that can help reduce heart attacks *and* wearing a pink shirt while protesting gay marriage? They must grow some potent irony in Minnesota.
 

The man above is Michael Leisner, who was under investigation for apparently fleeing the scene after setting fire to the lawn outside of General Mills’ corporate campus in Golden Valley, Minnesota. Leisner was protesting the company’s indirect support of gay marriage by burning a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, which, apparently, are made of the same stuff they make those trick birthday candles out of. The investigation has come to an unceremonious halt, since Leisner dropped dead of a heart attack last week.

Look, we’re not gonna get into politics or social issues here, because I don’t want to risk having to know your opinions on anything other than how handsome I look in my new tracksuit (thank you, by the way). As I’ve tried to drive home before, if I wanted to hear the incessant braying of a bunch of half-informed attention whores I never would’ve stopped moderating that Cabbage Patch Kids forum. Those guys… are intense.

But at this point I think we all kinda know gay marriage will be legal everywhere eventually. Have you ever watched old newsreel footage and just been stunned by the crazy shit people were protesting, and how society was more or less split down the middle about it at the time? Like, “Wait, Strom Thurmond was trying to ban photosynthesis? How the hell would that even work?” It amazes me that people *still* don’t realize that that’s the legacy they’re gonna be leaving behind. People like Leisner go to their graves convinced they’re taking some righteous stand but a hundred years from now they’re just gonna be that guy who burned down an orphanage because he figured Laserdiscs were gonna give us all mutant superpowers. Dude, just get on the winning team while you can.

Ugh. That just skewed dangerously close to being topical. Can we all agree that we’d be fine with this if he was just burning a box of Original Cheerios to protest how godawful they taste? They’re like dusty little drywall rings. It’s like the breakfast that everyone would eat in a movie about a super bland town in the 50′s that’s about to get shaken up by the arrival of rock music. Unless General Mills himself is gonna come to my kitchen every morning and cut up a banana to put in the flavorless horse chow he calls a cereal I’ll just stick to my usual breakfast of a Japanese Double Roll Pizza. The intestinal pain lets you know you’re ready for the day!

Source: The Smoking Gun

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6.25.12: Guy Who Jumped Off the Eiffel Tower – PRETTY OBVIOUSLY DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:12 am June 27, 2012

Did you know that the Eiffel Tower was originally intended to be deconstructed and sold as scrap metal 20 years after its construction? No joke here, I just like to make sure I’m living up to the rigorous educational standards I’ve set for this blog.

 

Statistically speaking, you’re probably going to kill yourself [citation needed]. It’s a foregone conclusion, and frankly it’s hard not to be tempted with so many great options out there for inviting the inevitable: Bare-knuckled crocodile boxing, DIY heart surgery, or simply tricking a coworker into murdering you as an office prank. Man, Kevin in accounts payable is gonna think that shit is hilarious in retrospect! I can’t wait to not get to see that look on your face, K-Dog!

And, of course, there’s always that old classic; jumping from a national monument. Hell, in France it must be damn near irresistible, what with the Eiffel Tower being easily visible out the window of every single building in the country.

A police official says the man climbed the tower’s western pillar after it was closed to the public, and was approaching the third and highest level when rescue climbers made it to the scene. They tried to talk to him but he jumped instead, landed on the tower’s second floor and died soon after midnight Monday, the official said.

The tower was open as usual Monday after the incident. The company that manages the 324-meter tower says it was the first suicide on the tower in two years.

Yup, this barely slows them down over there. Going two years without a suicide would pretty much be cause for a parade in France, were not for all of the ennui keeping the Jubilation Committee down. These are all probably true things.

Source: CBS News

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6.1.12: Guy Who’s Roommate Ate His Brains and Heart – OH SWEET CHRIST NO!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:55 am June 1, 2012

One quarter of a second. That’s for those of you with over/under bets on how long I can image search for “cannibal” before frantically closing tabs in horror.

 

So it looks like the new thing for young people to do is to kill and eat people. Remember when Rainbow Parties were supposed to have been a thing?

In yet another horrifying incident of human flesh-eating this week, a student in Maryland allegedly admitted to devouring his roommate’s brain and heart.

Alexander Kinyua, a 21-year-old Morgan State University student, admitted to murdering his roommate Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, who was reported missing last Friday, cops told the Baltimore Sun.

Goddammit. Ugh. Let’s just keep reading. There’s gotta be something funny in here somewhere. Hell, I once managed to spin a dirty limerick out of a Times article about tort reform, I can do this.

Kinyua’s father called police late Tuesday night when Kinyua’s brother reportedly found human remains — a head and two hands — in a metal tin in the basement. The brother and father left the room for a short time, but when they came back, the body parts had been moved and Kinyua was washing out the tin, the paper reported.

Officers searched the house and arrested Kinyua. The man allegedly confessed a shocking revelation: not only had he killed Agyei-Kodie by cutting him up with a knife and then dismembered him, he ingested parts of the victim’s brain and all of his heart. He then allegedly dropped most of the remains in a Dumpster behind a church in Joppatowne.

You know what? Fuck this shit. I didn’t spend three months at Blog Camp just so I could try to wring jokes out of some jackass Hannibaling his roommate. I may not have much, but I *do* have standards. Standards, and $95,000 in crippling debt from Blog Camp. Also, extensive research suggests that there probably isn’t any such place as Blog Camp, so I’ve already got a lot of things to get to the bottom of here. Point is, I’m invoking the rare TDiD Midstream Horse Change, an esteemed tactic that dates all the way back to the middle of this sentence. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

5.30.12: NBA Star Jack Twyman – LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!

That’s right! White people used to play basketball! And it was adorable!

 

Hey, you know what else happened this week? NBA star Jack Twyman died of cancer. Yup, plain old boring cancer. Nobody ate him, or pushed him down an open elevator shaft, or drove him to suicide by making him watch movies based on board games, or anything else cruel and unfunny. He just up and died. People were sad, and a lot of them said nice things about him, and I assume a funeral is being organized, where people will pay their respects and then go home and watch a couple of the Burn Notice episodes they have built up on their DVR, because that show isn’t good enough to watch immediately nor bad enough to stop recording. Because that’s how normal people die and that’s how people who aren’t Big Lurch deal with it.



Source: Huffington Post and Syracuse.com

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5.11.12: Local Strip-Club Patron/Pervert – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:55 am May 23, 2012

Eyewitness reports that the man once scored four touchdowns in a single game remain unconfirmed.

 

Well, nobody famous that I care about died today, so that means it’s time to mock a private citizen. It’s a little something called journalistic integrity.

A 67-year-old man died after enjoying a number of lap dances at a strip club.

Robert Gene White, from El Paso County, Texas, was at the Red Parrot strip club on Friday night.

Manager of the club said the elderly man had been getting lap dances, but when it came to paying the dancers, he was unresponsive.

Employees tried to perform CPR on White and when that didn’t work they called emergency responders.

He was take to a local hospital where he was declared dead from natural causes.

I’m doing pretty well for myself nowadays, if this construction paper top hat is any indication. Nonetheless, it’s a good idea to save money wherever you can, and White had a pretty solid situation going here. I mean, not the dying thing. Or the living in Texas thing, for that matter. Lord no. I’m still hoping that somehow the entire state is just an insanely intricate set for some unfinished Kurosawa film about cows.

No, I’m talking about faking your death and having a couple of fun-loving buddies haul you out of the club, Weekend at Bernie’s style, when the issue of payment comes up. It may not work, but I’ve gotta try something. I used to write strip clubs off as a medical expense but I think my CPA is dangerously close to discovering that “chronic bonerrhaging” has a spotty history in the healthcare community.

 

Source: Mail Online

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4.22.12: Guy Who was Beaten with an Electric Guitar – UNSURPRISINGLY DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am April 30, 2012

Eyewitness statements have confirmed early reports that the attack was “metal as shit.”

 

If you’re one of the few remaining Americans who haven’t spent your waking hours meticulously memorizing the contents of this blog in order to be one step ahead when it’s finally admitted into future pressings of most major religious texts, it may have escaped your notice how cartoonishly insane Austin, Texas is. So here’s a story about a guy in Austin who was beaten to death. With a guitar. Man. Living in that town must be exhAUSTINg. HA! You see how that worked there? Fuck you, you probably didn’t even get it anyway.

Police have made an arrest in Austin’s ninth homicide of the year. Police say a man was beaten to death with an electric guitar.

Peter Andrew Levay, 42, is in jail charged with murder. He’s accused of killing 64-year-old Maurice Leray Eckert.

Right now is a good time to mention that all Austin citizens are required to go by three names, otherwise the ghost of Jonathan Taylor Thomas will come to your house at night and beat you with the rusty shovel his grave was dug with.

And now here comes Levay’s roommate to ruin that last joke.

Levay told his roommate, Lavern Fisher, he thought he killed the man who lived upstairs. Fisher says Levay called his sister, who called the Austin Police Department, to check on the man who lived upstairs. When officers arrived, no one answered the door, so they forced their way inside.

According to an arrest affidavit, right after the homicide Levay didn’t know what to do, so his roommate told him to “lay down and go to sleep.”

Well maybe if she would’ve told him to lie down and go to sleep she wouldn’t have come across like someone who spent 8th grade English making bongs out of milk cartons instead of learning the basic rules of language usage. Remember the proper approach to handling a tragedy: Stay calm, assess the situation, and don’t neglect syntax minutia during your deposition. It could save your life (it will never save your life).

Besides that blunder, Lavern’s got the right idea: Most dead people will come back to life within 6-8 hours if you just leave them be. If you accidentally kill someone, just get some rest, freshen up, maybe eat a nice, carb-heavy meal. You’re really gonna need some me time, and tomorrow you’ll see just how silly you were to have ever panicked in the first place.

Fisher says police found the victim’s bloody clothes in Levay’s closet, along with a wallet in the downstairs apartment.

Fisher says his roommate had been drinking with the man upstairs, and he thinks he knows what led to the murder.

“He started making sexual advances toward me and him, and they became violent,” said Fisher.

Fucking Christ, “towards he and I.” Anyway, there’s nothing strange about this. Happens all the time. A couple of A-list, top dawg broheims just chillaxin’, having a few brews and trading off some killer Dave Matthews licks… It’s hard not to get a little turned on. That kind of barely restrained sexual tension is the perfect spark to set off a studio apartment full of testosterone, and the next thing you know someone’s getting a headstock through the cerebellum. The key to avoiding these tragedies is to stick with ZZ Top-style furry guitars when things become heated, and steer clear of more aggresive designs, such as your Flying Vees, or the kind of Rick Neilsen monstrosity that played such a key role in the tragic death of television’s Jonathan Taylor Thomas. We miss you, JTT!

 

Source: KHOU

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4.25.12: Colorado Man Who Wrote His Own Obituary – LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am April 25, 2012

No, Kid’s not dead, but the guy is this story is named “Flathead.” This was the first thing I thought of and I desperately needed something to keep my attention through this post. It’s working nicely.


Sometimes the internet gets ahold of something and, once in a great while, it’s stupid. The internet’s sterling judgement has given us an endless parade of musically-inclined cats, songs about deciding which seat to choose in your friend’s car, and lots and lots of casual racism. But today we got a story about some yokel in Colorado who wrote a funny obituary for himself instead. It’s the kind of thing Tina at work is going to show you two weeks after you’ve already seen it and you’re gonna have to pretend that it’s cute because 1.) you don’t want people to know that you burn through memes the way well-adjusted people go through toilet paper, and 2.) each day is little more than an increasingly desperate effort to avoid hitting the release valve on the barely-contained tank of rage directed at everyone who tries to show you “internet things” in your real life. This post just got… therapeutic.

“He enjoyed booze, guns, cars and younger women until the day he died,” reads the Denver Post obituary for Michael “Flathead” Blanchard.

And his cause of death? The obit attributes his maker-meeting moment to being “stubborn, refusing to follow doctors’ orders and raising hell for more than six decades.”

Fair enough.

The obituary then lists his late cat “Chopper” as his son, says someone named “Baba Yaba” can “kiss his butt” and notes that his childhood friends are predominantly “criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats.”

First off, act like a man and say “ass” or just don’t say anything at all. I don’t read obituaries to see what it would look like if you ran “Scarface” through the ABC Family censor. I read them because my parents gave me no moral guidance whatsoever. Also, don’t you dare lump prostitutes in with criminals and Democrats, and I’m not just saying that because I can’t seem to stop mentioning them in posts. They provide a valuable service to lonely weirdos and bored millionaires with trophy wives alike. It’s pretty much the only thing that unites us as a nation.

While all the hell-raising surely didn’t help, his family told the Post “Flathead” actually died of natural causes. And, no, the obituary is not some cruel final jab by the family. They say the words are mostly Flathead’s.

His brother Steve Blanchard said “Flathead” wrote a draft of the obituary before he died. The family just added the final touches.

“He lived every minute to its fullest and then some,” Blanchard told the Post.

Not only is the obituary blunt, it’s late. The man nicknamed for his love of fixing up cars — including those with flathead engines — died nearly a year ago. The family decided to wait until closer to the one-year anniversary of his death to publish the obituary and hold his memorial service.

Who… what the hell… He died a year ago and you’re just now doing something about it? It’s not a new Stones album, you really don’t need 10 months of lead time to market a funeral. Maybe people in Colorado have time to waste but here in the midwest we’ve got a lot videos of anthropomorphic frogs to watch.


Source: HLN

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4.6.12: Michael Sands, Creator of Mr. Blackwell’s “Worst Dressed List” – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am April 17, 2012

It’s vaguely ironic that this is the only picture I could find of a famous Hollywood publicist.

 

Michael Sands, the man who developed the concept for Mr. Blackwell’s “Worst Dressed List,” died on April 6 after choking on a beef sample 13 days earlier. Alright, I just typed that and even I’m not sure I didn’t make it up.

Sands was at Gelson’s deli counter in Century City on March 24 when he began to choke on a beef sample. His son, Nick, told The Wrap that his father had Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, which meant that his airways were smaller than normal.

He was revived by paramedics and rushed to Cedars-Sinai, where he was placed in a medically-induced coma. He died on April 6 at the age of 66, The Wrap reports.

Those of you who are regular readers know that I don’t like to use my platform to mock people. No, I believe that humor is much more powerful when nobody’s feelings get hurt. However, if I had to come up with the bullet points for the most inconsequential life ever led I’d have a hard time beating:

And this is coming from a guy whose Alexa ranking is currently getting slaughtered by an Angelfire blog about casserole recipes that hasn’t been updated since 1998. I know a thing or two about being inconsequential.

That’s not to say Sands didn’t go out of his way to insist he was actually super badass and interesting and had about a billion girlfriends and a race car but he borrowed it to one of his friends who’s an astronaut and that’s why he can’t show it to you.

Sands was known for his eccentricities, claiming to have been a CIA operative who helped capture terrorist Abu Abbas, who hijacked the Achille Lauro cruise ship in 1985. He also once posed partially nude in a magazine to promote his line of cheesecakes. He had appeared in various TV commercials and some film roles.

“Wow, white people are really serious about this cheesecake stuff,” said all black people.

As for the CIA thing, I’m actually starting to buy it. Laugh all you want but fashion commentators have long been considered America’s secret weapon. I once heard a rumor that Tim Gunn single-handedly fought off an invasion of mole people with nothing but a tastefully subtle Vitaliano Pancaldi necktie. Annnnnnnnd moxie!

 

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

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4.1.12: Guy Whose 14-Year-Old Cousin Got Him in a “Rear Naked Choke Hold” – DEAD! Wait, What?

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:36 am April 13, 2012

Yes, “rear naked choke hold” was already in my Google Images search history. Why do you ask?

 

If you’re going to attempt something you watched a WWE star do you should limit yourself to relatively low-risk things, like wearing neon bicep tassels or marrying Brooke Hogan.  Or, at the very least, avoid anything that involves more than two of the words found in the phrase “rear naked choke hold.” Louisiana man Stephan Arceneaux never read that pamphlet at the community college, I guess.

According to St. Charles Parish Sheriff Greg Champagne, Arceneaux had gathered with friends at a home on Murray Hill Drive to watch the pay-per-view event “Wrestlemania 28” on television when he and a 14-year-old cousin began to wrestle on an inflated mattress on the floor. The juvenile, who is 5 feet, 6 inches tall and weighs 110 pounds, placed his arm around the neck of Arceneaux, who was 5 feet, 10 inches tall and weighed 220 pounds, in a move commonly known as a “rear naked choke hold” for 30 to 40 seconds.

Witnesses reported that Arceneaux said he would not give up or “tap out.”

FUCK NO HE DIDN’T. It would’ve made his Tapout shirt painfully ironic, and that’s the kinda East Coast elitist literary device that don’t fly in the bayou. No, down there allegory and synecdoche rule the day, motherfucker!

But at some point, someone noticed that Arceneaux was turning blue and told the youngster to release the hold. When he did, witnesses realized that Arceneaux had stopped breathing and dialed 911, shortly after 10 p.m.

Well, we’ve all learned a lesson here: It’s never a good idea to try to imitate professional wrestling moves. Except for the Bushwacker Walk. That’s just classy. It’s how my father walked down the aisle, you know.

 

Source: Nola.com

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