This Day in Death

8.11.14: Robin Williams – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:12 pm August 14, 2014

ROBIN_WILLIAMSWilliams in his breakout role in Mork & Mindy, the show that put rainbow suspenders on the map. Yeah, the map of Dorksylvania! NERD SLAM!

 

 

Beloved actor and comedian Robin Williams was found dead in his home on Monday. Evidence suggests that his struggle with depression had driven him to commit suicide. It’s going to be to tough to make jokes about the tragic loss of such an esteemed figure without being offensive, but luckily I was born a lillywhite coward so I’m just gonna not even try. Hey, I’m just honoring my heritage. Either respect the beliefs of my yellow-bellied forefathers or you might find yourself the victim of a terse, anonymous comment on your YouTube channel some day.

But I guess we still need to find something to do around here… Hey, it looks like NJ.com was able to find the one Jersey resident whose hands weren’t completely slathered in bronzer and let him use the community Lenovo to gather a bunch of celebrity Tweets, so let’s just mock those instead. I appreciate the legwork, guys. Your greasy state is alright.

OH IS RICHARD LEWIS JEWISH? YOU’D THINK HE’D ALLUDE TO IT SOMEWHERE!

Frankly I’m flabbergasted. Maybe this was some kind of personal in-joke between him and Williams, but that wouldn’t explain the hundreds of retweets. I’m gonna assume we collectively didn’t wanna look anti-Semitic, so we just kinda wrote Lewis a blank check on this one and told ourselves this made some kind of sense. This is really more our bad than his.

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Those of you who are both longtime readers and don’t suffer from memory loss due to crippling Benzodiazapine addictions (which my click traffic Venn diagram tells me consists solely of one Gary Lepinksi of Cincinnati, Ohio. Way to keep your engine clean, Gar!) will note that this isn’t the first time Cher has blindly tripped over profundity following a respected celebrity’s death. Still, I almost kind of get what she thinks she’s saying this time. Do you have a follow-up Tweet that’s a bit more… Lennie Small-esque, we’ll say?

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Eh, I still kinda understand. When I read Cher’s Tweets I wanna be legitimately concerned that I may be having an aneurism. Deeper!!

CHERCAP1

Theeere it is. Sorry, but Cher’s Twitter feed is an endless source of both amusement and shocking ineptitude for me. It’s like a fountain that only spouts schadenfreude. Truly, it give Great. But tread carefully! It can also, for those who don’t exercise caution, Take All.

Source: NJ.com and Twitter

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5.16.13: NASCAR Driver Dick Trickle – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:33 am May 18, 2013

DICK_TRICKLEHey! You got some Dick Trickle on your racing onesie! Tee hee!

 

Dick Trickle… Welp, it’s important to know when you’re beat: I won’t be able to top that name with my usual batch of stupid pop culture references any time soon, so I’m calling it a half-day. Goodnight, Internet!




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2.17.13: Country Singer Mindy McCready – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:57 am February 19, 2013

MINDY_MCCREADYWhenever someone dies tragically I have a real hard time finding an image I feel comfortable mocking. Then 90s fashion comes to the rescue. “Fuck it, add, like, a shitload more buttons, for no discernible reason,” said every pant company, every day, for an entire decade.

 

Country singer Mindy McCready died this weekend of an apparent suicide, and since this is the internet I’m expected to be all callous about that. Well you guys can cram it in diagonally, I have standards about dignity. They’re vaguely defined, easily circumnavigated, and only come up when convenient, but they’re always there. Like those little blades that cut the floss for you, dutifully there when you need them but utterly ignored during the rest of your life. That analogy may or may not make much sense; I just drank an awful lot of mouthwash and the whole medicine cabinet is kinda fascinating me right now. Point is let’s just, for once, try to be professional about things around here. God.

In 2009, like some other troubled stars willing to allow the public to watch them repair themselves, she signed up to appear on the reality series “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew.” On one episode, she suffered a seizure.

In the last few years, four other cast members from that series have also died.

Wow. Five cast members dead, with the status of several others still undetermined? Alright, I’m just gonna toss something out there and we’ll see if she flies: Are we absolutely positive that Dr. Drew is not a member of some sort of satanic cult, cultivating corpses for his unholy masters to consume as fuel? Keep in mind, I’m not married to this theory. I’m willing to entertain the possibility that he’s actually some kind of demented scientist who needs human organs to use in biological experiments so horrifying they’d make that Human Centipede doctor look like a high school chemistry teacher. Or maybe he’s just flat-out, old school, Manson-style crazy. I mean, this is all just spit-balling, there are no bad ideas about what horrible secret Dr. Drew is most definitely hiding that drives him to use his awful tv show to murder people. Let’s crack this case together. Teamwork makes the dream work, I always say!

Source: The New York Times

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1.11.13: Reddit Creator Aaron Swartz – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:43 pm January 22, 2013

 AARON_SWARTZAnti-SOPA rallies are a great place to pick up some of that legendary C++ programmer tail.

 

Reddit creator Aaron Swartz committed suicide earlier this month, which is one of the harder things for me to make stupid jokes about. Oh! Unless he did it by jumping into a pile of razor blades and Jarts! I could totally make some jokes about that! Wait, no. No, that’s definitely not how he did it. Alright then: Tragedy it remains.

For those of you who’ve never heard of Reddit, I’d first like to say “get out of my blog, mom! God!” For the rest of you, Reddit is the exciting new way to share pictures of your balls with strangers. Before Reddit I usually just faxed them to random numbers, like some kind of uncivilized animal. The worst part of that is you rarely ever get sincere feedback that way. How do you expect me to improve this stuff if you’re not even gonna be thoughtful enough to tell me where I need work? We were a lot less considerate in 2004.

He was a Harvard University fellow studying ethics when he was charged in 2011 with stealing nearly 5 million articles from a computer archive at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

He faced 13 felony charges, including wire fraud, computer fraud and unlawfully obtaining information from a protected computer. Prosecutors said he intended to distribute the articles on file-sharing websites.

Swartz’s advocacy for free information, of course, got twisted into some kind of weird justification to the Cool Ranchified basement dwellers of the internet that they should be allowed to just take whatever the hell they want because freedom.

Look, there’s definitely a legit discussion to be had about free information, but if you use that as an excuse to just flat-out take shit that costs people money to produce, and then try to frame it like you’re some counterculture revolutionary or impoverished victim of capitalism, I cannot emphasize enough how little you contribute to the world. I don’t care what that poster you read at Hot Topic said, that’s just stupid. At least exercise a *little* restraint. Who really needs to Bit Torrent all nine seasons of Night Court anyway? Everybody knows that shit was unwatchable after the 6th.

 

Source: The LA Times

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8.19.12: ‘Top Gun,’ ‘True Romance’ Director Tony Scott – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:05 am August 22, 2012

 Will Smith raps a song that shares its title with the film or GTFO.

 

Director Tony Scott is dead today after jumping off the Vincent Thomas Bridge in Los Angeles. Scott is best know for holy shit did I just say he jumped off a bridge? Hey Block Quote, can we run that back?

Director Tony Scott is dead today after jumping off the Vincent Thomas Bridge in Los Angeles.

Yeah, that definitely looks like something I’d write. Case closed, I guess. Of course, I didn’t list any reason at all for Scott’s suicide, so lets take a look at what the LA Times says. One of these days I’m gonna have a long talk with me about my lack of follow-through on these things. A long, metaphysical talk.

Investigators probing the death of “Top Gun” director Tony Scott said they still don’t know why he plunged from the Vincent Thomas Bridge on Sunday.

Law enforcement sources said several notes Scott left do not mention any health problems or offer solid clues about why he jumped. It’s possible, the source said, that authorities might never make a clear determination of motive.

Or maybe it was because he had brain cancer. Or maybe he didn’t. Or maybe you’re allowed to just put any random shit on the internet as long as you’re paid up with Go Daddy. Otherwise Danica Patrick comes to your house and pretends like she’s gonna make out with your girlfriend but instead she just breaks your legs and steals your wallet. I hate those commercials.

Scott was known for his kinetic, high-energy action scenes in films like Top Gun, Beverly Hills Cop II, True Romance, Days of Thunder and Crimson Tide. But all of that was just the lead-up to his 2009 masterpiece; convincing John Travolta that audiences would find him intimidating if he dressed up like the biker from the Village People.

Seriously, Travolta went to the set of The Taking of Pelham 123 every day, got into costume, and everyone just held their tongues and he totally bought it. Hell, I bet the neck tattoo was his own idea. “Hey Tony, everybody knows there’s nothing scarier than a pudgy old man in a leather jacket, but what if I had some ink on my neck, like I’m in Blink 182 or somethin’? All I worry about is, would that be *too* scary, you know? Would people, like, be afraid to bring their kids and stuff?”

Source: LA Times

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6.25.12: Guy Who Jumped Off the Eiffel Tower – PRETTY OBVIOUSLY DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:12 am June 27, 2012

Did you know that the Eiffel Tower was originally intended to be deconstructed and sold as scrap metal 20 years after its construction? No joke here, I just like to make sure I’m living up to the rigorous educational standards I’ve set for this blog.

 

Statistically speaking, you’re probably going to kill yourself [citation needed]. It’s a foregone conclusion, and frankly it’s hard not to be tempted with so many great options out there for inviting the inevitable: Bare-knuckled crocodile boxing, DIY heart surgery, or simply tricking a coworker into murdering you as an office prank. Man, Kevin in accounts payable is gonna think that shit is hilarious in retrospect! I can’t wait to not get to see that look on your face, K-Dog!

And, of course, there’s always that old classic; jumping from a national monument. Hell, in France it must be damn near irresistible, what with the Eiffel Tower being easily visible out the window of every single building in the country.

A police official says the man climbed the tower’s western pillar after it was closed to the public, and was approaching the third and highest level when rescue climbers made it to the scene. They tried to talk to him but he jumped instead, landed on the tower’s second floor and died soon after midnight Monday, the official said.

The tower was open as usual Monday after the incident. The company that manages the 324-meter tower says it was the first suicide on the tower in two years.

Yup, this barely slows them down over there. Going two years without a suicide would pretty much be cause for a parade in France, were not for all of the ennui keeping the Jubilation Committee down. These are all probably true things.

Source: CBS News

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6.7.12: Fleetwood Mac Guitarist Bob Welch – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:39 am June 11, 2012

Not to be outdone, Rick Nielsen immediately began work on a 200-string guitar. Dozens of Mexican immigrants would perish during its construction.

 

Bob Welch, former guitarist with Fleetwood Mac, is dead today. I mean, he actually died a few days ago, but I assume it’s still technically true. Someone should maybe do a follow-up report and check in on that. You can never be too sure, I always say.

Although only playing with the band for five years, Welch played a significant part in shaping the sound that Fleetwood Mac would ride to a string of colossal hits almost immediately after his departure. And then he got snubbed when the band was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1998. And then he killed himself. This is like a one-page Encyclopedia Brown mystery.

Welch played guitar with Fleetwood Mac starting in 1971. He left the group in late 1974, just before Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks joined the group.

Nicks said in a statement that Welch’s death was “devastating.”

“I had many great times with him after Lindsey and I joined Fleetwood Mac,” singer Nicks said. “He was an amazing guitar player — he was funny, sweet — and he was smart.

“I am so very sorry for his family and for the family of Fleetwood Mac — so,so sad,” Nicks said.

Thoughtful stuff. I imagine Peter Frampton would’ve just tweeted, “oh no sad 4 u :( :(” and called it a day. By the way, those last characters aren’t gibberish, but rather an electronic representation of a sad face, which supposedly can only be viewed properly from a 90˚ angle. I’m having a vertical monitor installed tomorrow and will get back to you about this. Frankly I’m skeptical.

 

Source: CNN

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5.2.12: NFL Linebacker Junior Seau – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:45 am May 4, 2012

Wait, is this gonna be a sports post? Alright, hang on. I just gotta cover up my Carl Sagan poster with this Calvin Johnson Fathead and we’ll be all set. SPORTS!

 

I’ve been pretty explicit about my lack of interest in covering every athlete that dies, mainly because the only thing less enjoyable to me than sports would be sitting here for twenty minutes trying to figure out how I’m supposed to squeeze jokes out of terms like “shuttlecock” and “tight end” or names like Randy “Big Unit” Johnson. Some grapes just can’t be turned into wine, folks.

Junior Seau, regarded as one of the N.F.L.’s best linebackers over a 20-year career with the San Diego Chargers, the Miami Dolphins and the New England Patriots, died of a gunshot wound to the chest Wednesday at his home in Oceanside, Calif. He was 43.

The Oceanside police said Seau’s death was being investigated as a suicide. He was found by his girlfriend in a bedroom of his beachfront house Wednesday morning, and a handgun was found near the body, the police said.

In truth I wasn’t even gonna cover this one until I saw how many articles were already floating around about it and assumed it must be a bigger deal than I had originally figured. I’m always so behind the curve on this stuff. Speaking of which, how come nobody told me that we’re not saying “you are the weakest link, goodbye” anymore? Everyone at work probably just thinks I’m an ass now!

 

Source: The New York Times

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4.26.12: The Killers’ Saxophonist Tommy Marth – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am April 27, 2012

Play “Blue Sky Mine”!

 

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for rock saxophonists. I mean, moreso than usual. First that guy from Men at Work was found dead in his Melbourne home, possibly murdered, probably by a wallaby. And now Tommy Marth, saxophone player for The Killers, has apparently taken his own life. I dunno, I was into saxophonist deaths before they got all watered down. All these guys are just trying to imitate Clarence Clemons’ death, God rest his skronkin’ soul.

For those of you who weren’t getting star tattoos on your wrists a decade ago, The Killers were among the nouniest of the post-2000 ‘The Nouns’ band jizzsplosion, a monstrous trend that fooled us all into thinking that what was essentially a manufactured boy band made up of the sons of rich white men was an authentic modern-day resurrection of rock music, a genre created by poor black men. After that black people stopped inventing cool things just so that we couldn’t take them anymore. Come on, guys! Just give us something new already. All we’ve come up with so far is the Keytar, and it’s really not as much fun as we’re pretending it is.

The band took to their Twitter account and maxed out the character limit to deliver an almost error-free condolence, because that’s apparently the new way for musicians to say they’re filled with sadness, but not quite a whole paragraph worth of it.

Last night we lost our friend Thomas Marth. Our prayers are with his family.There’s a light missing in Las Vegas tonight. Travel well, Tommy

Maybe I’m just a thousand years old (full disclosure: I am a thousand years old), but Twitter is such a shitty way to express any genuine emotion and it just comes off as insincere when people use it to announce something as supposedly important as the death of a friend and collaborator. And I’m not just saying so because I’m pissed that someone already stole my idea for a Twitter name. I really should’ve jumped on that *before* they brought Pac back, but really, who saw that coming?

 

Source: Pop Crush (looks pretty hardcore to me)

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3.11.12: ‘Death With Dignity’ Champion Peter Goodwin – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 2:37 pm March 13, 2012

Good God are you genial! I have nothing snarky to add to that. Moving on.

 

Oregon physician Peter Goodwin, who championed a law in his state that would permit people to end their own lives if suffering from a terminal illness, has died at the age of 83. The Death With Dignity Act allowed Goodwin to use lethal chemicals in order to take his own life after struggling for years with a rare brain disorder. It’s a lot like when Christopher Reeve sunk all of his money into paralysis research, only in reverse. Because Goodwin wasn’t a self-serving jackhole who only started caring about medical advances when they affected him directly.

Considering that dying with dignity is his legacy, I think a funny joke to pull at Goodwin’s funeral would be to have the bottom of his casket fall out when the pallbearers pick him up, then everyone scrambles around really fast while the Benny Hill theme song plays. Hmm. You know, there’s very little difference between being ironic and just acting like a dick.

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