This Day in Death

6.3.13: New Jersey Senator Frank Launtenberg – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:18 pm June 5, 2013

 FRANK_LAUTENBERGIt’s posts like this that make me regret committing to this whole ‘funny caption’ thing. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? I may as well have been looking up pictures of actual white bread.

Frank Launtenberg, senator from New Jersey (the only state where you can major in Body Odor), died on Monday of viral pneumonia. No word yet on what will happen to Launtenberg’s proposed “Alla Them Stukachs in Newark Should Get Beat the Fuck Down in a Fuckin Hurry” bill. I’m really not sure that was even within his jurisdiction, but the legislative process will sort it out, I guess.

Let’s see what those jamooks over at The New York Slimes have to say about this.

[Lautenberg] pushed through a provision to establish a national drinking age of 21, a measure that threatened to cut 10 percent of a state’s federal highway money if it did not comply. He argued that the change would save lives by ending “a crazy quilt of drinking ages in neighboring states” and prevent those under 21 from driving over “blood borders” to get drunk and then try to drive home.

And yet Lautenberg sat on his hands when it came to kids crossing borders to attempt the infamous Michigan Bottle Deposit Scam. Godammit, the Great Lakes State could be hemorrhaging untold dimes in revenue even as we speak! I should watch, like, a lot less tv.


Source: The New York Times

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12.17.12: Hawaii Senator Daniel Inouye – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:05 pm December 21, 2012

DANIEL_INOUYEThe constraints of a 12-letter alphabet means Hawaiian culture never got exposed to Zubaz *or* the music of Sisqó. I mean, if you can even still call that a culture.


Assuming that you acknowledge Hawaii’s statehood and don’t just believe it’s an elaborate hoax to trick impressionable retirees into buying condos, Daniel Inouye represented the state as either a Representative or a Senator since its inception in 1959, never losing an election in his entire political career. Among Inouye’s accomplishments were sitting on the House Appropriations Committee, his aggressive investigation into the Watergate scandal, and instituting mandated prison sentences for anyone who still thinks that putting a wreath around your neck and then saying “you just got lei’d!” is funny. It’s not funny.

Democrat Daniel Inouye, the U.S. Senate’s most senior member and a Medal of Honor recipient for his bravery during World War II, has died. He was 88.

He died of respiratory complications and had been at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center since earlier this month. His office said his last word was “Aloha,” the traditional Hawaiian word for “hello” and “goodbye.”

Inouye served as President pro tempore during the final two years of his life, putting him as third in the line of succession for the Presidency and therefore making him the highest ranking Asian American in U.S. politics to date. The second highest, of course, would be Lucy Lui, followed closely by the ghost of Brandon Lee and about 30% of Lou Diamond Phillips. That ghost has a lot of bold ideas about gerrymandering.

Source: USA Today

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11.19.12: New Hampshire Senator Warren B. Rudman – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:17 pm November 21, 2012

Here’s a fun fact: Due to a clerical error, the Ottawa Senators hockey team is also required to function as Canada’s governing congressional body.


Former senator from New Hampshire Warren B. Rudman is dead today, and though it may be the wrong time to bring it up, I feel this may be my only chance for a while to mention that my favorite kamasutra position is “suspended congress.” And, yes, there’s plenty more sweet talk where that came from, single ladies of America. *wink*

Mr. Rudman was among the first members of Congress to speak out about the rising federal debt, which he believed was a threat to bankrupt the country. Alarmed by an annual deficit that had reached a record $200 billion in 1985 under Reagan — the annual figure now exceeds $1 trillion — Mr. Rudman joined Sens. Phil Gramm (R-Tex.) and Ernest F. Hollings (D-S.C.) as principal sponsors of the ­Gramm-Rudman-Hollings Balanced Budg­et Act of 1985.

The act, often shortened to Gramm-Rudman, called for a balanced federal budget within six years and was the first substantive effort by Congress in modern times to compel reductions in the federal deficit.

Sorry, I know I’m supposed to say something clever here, but fiscal responsibility is a sore subject for me ever since my business, the Phunky Phresh Kardboard Kompany, went under. We specialized in selling sheets of cardboard to inner city breakdancers at an outrageously fly markup. For one brief, glorious summer it really looked like the Crystal Pepsi would be flowing like water, but somehow something just went wrong. I’ve spent hours trying to explain to my investors what happened, but really I think it just came down to bad marketing. And the fact that it was 2009.

Source: The Washington Post

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