This Day in Death

12.19.13: ‘Screw’ Magazine Publisher Al Goldstein – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:23 pm December 30, 2013

AL_GOLDSTEIN I personally never read either magazine, but it’s my understanding that Screw beat out competitor Nuts to become the world’s premier metal fastener-based publication. I’m mature enough to admit that for a while I had some bi-monthly curiosity about Cotter Pin Review, though.

Al Goldstein, the publisher of Screw, the porno magazine that taught a generation of trailer trash how to successfully execute a Cleveland Bowtie, has died. Screw built its reputation on always being there for you when Hustler just seemed way too highbrow, and Goldstein rode that pony to its natural and inevitable conclusion: Erecting an 11-foot tall middle finger on his front lawn. It’s really the American Dream, and as a Jew born in America in the 1930s, Goldstein was just living up to the promise of that plaque on Ellis Island:

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
And they shall tell all those below their income bracket
To kindly sit and spin on this baller shit right here.”

And, for years, spin we did. But unfortunately Goldstein couldn’t compete with the instant gratification that is the internet pornado and soon found himself Hammer levels of broke.

By the mid-2000s, Goldstein was completely broke and homeless. “At times I was forced to sleep in a car or in a homeless shelter”, he told the New York Times in 2004.”I’ve gone from broads to bagels”, he said in that same interview, referring to his $10 an hour job at a New-York Deli.

Ouch. You know, Screw could’ve really thrived by becoming tech savvy during the internet’s nascent years, when things were a bit more naive and we were all wondering if anyone else out there was searching for blumpkin videos on Alta Vista. Goldstein could’ve been the beacon that guided every degenerate’s sticky-planked ship to shore. Instead the man fumbled on what could’ve become a billion-dollar empire and lost everything.

But I suppose we’ve all got our regrets. My big one is that I never really got into wearing hats. When I was a teenager all my friends would be out every Saturday night having a great time, canting their bowlers and derbys and porkpies like they’d be young forever. Unfortunately I was cursed with a freakishly asymmetrical skull and some rather unflattering forehead ridges, so whenever I’d compare my brim size to the other kids’ I’d just get all ashamed. Now years have gone by and there’s a whole display kiosk at JC Penny that’ll simply never make any sense to me.

Source: Jewish Business News

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