This Day in Death

6.3.16: Muhammad Ali – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:40 pm June 6, 2016

SvA_fullAli and Superman, seen here settling a dispute over the most tasteful way to publicly wear too-short man trunks. I’m giving it to Ali on a technicality, since Supes is kinda cheating by wearing a unitard underneath. Show us them supergams or go back to Krypton, Kal-El!

As I’ve long since gotten sick of telling you people, I only do sports posts on this here laffy laff site when someone of great notability has passed. You see, most sports are simply too violent for me. I’m a humanitarian, and I can’t bring myself to witness people putting themselves through that kind of punishment for such trivial rewards as fame and fortune. Now watching street people fight each other for half of my Filet-O-Fish, well, that’s a beautiful display of survival skills. Maybe I’m just more interested in what really matters in this world.

Regardless of why your lapsed morals caused you to develop such an unquenchable bloodlust, you’ve no doubt marveled at the almost unbearably graphic facepunchery of storied boxman and civil rights activist Muhammad Ali. Unfortunately, Ali passed away over the weekend due to a respiratory illness brought on by Parkinson’s Disease. While the odds of him triumphantly punching his way out of the grave and challenging Death to a rematch are slim, I advise keeping an eye on it for a few days anyway, as that would be wicked metal.

Crowned “Sportsman of the Century” by Sports Illustrated and “Sports Personality of the Century” by the BBC, Ali was noted for his pre- and post-fight talk and bold fight predictions just as much as his boxing skills inside the ring.

But he was also a civil rights campaigner and poet who transcended the bounds of sport, race and nationality.

Asked how he would like to be remembered, he once said: “As a man who never sold out his people. But if that’s too much, then just a good boxer.

“I won’t even mind if you don’t mention how pretty I was.”

In his later years, Ali’s struggle with Parkinson’s stripped him of both his mobility and his characteristic speech. It’s like he made some bizarre Faustian deal where he got to be great at two things and then had those two things taken away from him. You know, I don’t get why the devil feels like he has to pull that sneaky shit every time. You’re already getting an eternal soul, why add insult to injury with the whole “ironic loophole” thing? Let some poor schmuck enjoy 70 or so years of having the girthiest dong without any weird unforeseen complications, and then you get to hold complete dominion over him for literally all of the remaining time in existence. It’s already a pretty lopsided deal, and you’re trying to sweeten the pot? Pettiness does not look good on you, Prince of Darkness.

Source: BBC

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12.17.12: Hawaii Senator Daniel Inouye – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:05 pm December 21, 2012

DANIEL_INOUYEThe constraints of a 12-letter alphabet means Hawaiian culture never got exposed to Zubaz *or* the music of Sisqó. I mean, if you can even still call that a culture.


Assuming that you acknowledge Hawaii’s statehood and don’t just believe it’s an elaborate hoax to trick impressionable retirees into buying condos, Daniel Inouye represented the state as either a Representative or a Senator since its inception in 1959, never losing an election in his entire political career. Among Inouye’s accomplishments were sitting on the House Appropriations Committee, his aggressive investigation into the Watergate scandal, and instituting mandated prison sentences for anyone who still thinks that putting a wreath around your neck and then saying “you just got lei’d!” is funny. It’s not funny.

Democrat Daniel Inouye, the U.S. Senate’s most senior member and a Medal of Honor recipient for his bravery during World War II, has died. He was 88.

He died of respiratory complications and had been at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center since earlier this month. His office said his last word was “Aloha,” the traditional Hawaiian word for “hello” and “goodbye.”

Inouye served as President pro tempore during the final two years of his life, putting him as third in the line of succession for the Presidency and therefore making him the highest ranking Asian American in U.S. politics to date. The second highest, of course, would be Lucy Lui, followed closely by the ghost of Brandon Lee and about 30% of Lou Diamond Phillips. That ghost has a lot of bold ideas about gerrymandering.

Source: USA Today

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