This Day in Death

12.19.13: ‘Screw’ Magazine Publisher Al Goldstein – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:23 pm December 30, 2013

AL_GOLDSTEIN I personally never read either magazine, but it’s my understanding that Screw beat out competitor Nuts to become the world’s premier metal fastener-based publication. I’m mature enough to admit that for a while I had some bi-monthly curiosity about Cotter Pin Review, though.

 
Al Goldstein, the publisher of Screw, the porno magazine that taught a generation of trailer trash how to successfully execute a Cleveland Bowtie, has died. Screw built its reputation on always being there for you when Hustler just seemed way too highbrow, and Goldstein rode that pony to its natural and inevitable conclusion: Erecting an 11-foot tall middle finger on his front lawn. It’s really the American Dream, and as a Jew born in America in the 1930s, Goldstein was just living up to the promise of that plaque on Ellis Island:

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
And they shall tell all those below their income bracket
To kindly sit and spin on this baller shit right here.”

And, for years, spin we did. But unfortunately Goldstein couldn’t compete with the instant gratification that is the internet pornado and soon found himself Hammer levels of broke.

By the mid-2000s, Goldstein was completely broke and homeless. “At times I was forced to sleep in a car or in a homeless shelter”, he told the New York Times in 2004.”I’ve gone from broads to bagels”, he said in that same interview, referring to his $10 an hour job at a New-York Deli.

Ouch. You know, Screw could’ve really thrived by becoming tech savvy during the internet’s nascent years, when things were a bit more naive and we were all wondering if anyone else out there was searching for blumpkin videos on Alta Vista. Goldstein could’ve been the beacon that guided every degenerate’s sticky-planked ship to shore. Instead the man fumbled on what could’ve become a billion-dollar empire and lost everything.

But I suppose we’ve all got our regrets. My big one is that I never really got into wearing hats. When I was a teenager all my friends would be out every Saturday night having a great time, canting their bowlers and derbys and porkpies like they’d be young forever. Unfortunately I was cursed with a freakishly asymmetrical skull and some rather unflattering forehead ridges, so whenever I’d compare my brim size to the other kids’ I’d just get all ashamed. Now years have gone by and there’s a whole display kiosk at JC Penny that’ll simply never make any sense to me.


Source: Jewish Business News

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7.8.12: Ernest Borgnine – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:12 pm July 9, 2012

“SATAN IS LOVE.”

 

Actor, terrifying clown, and Simpsons guest star (Ha! Pocket knives.) Ernest Borgnine is dead today at the age of 95. Arguably Borgnine’s most well-known performance was as Quinton McHale in McHale’s Navy, for which he narrowly beat out Werner Klemperer to win the 7th Annual Award for Comedic Portrayal of Militaristic Incompetence in Television. We have… a lot of award shows.

Also, and I haven’t dug into this too much yet, but I think I may have the only humor site that has repeated use for a “renal failure” tag. For that I thank you, Ernest Borgnine and Pastor Chris Oyakhilome. Who knew a decrease in glomerular filtration rate could be such a comedy goldmine?

Unlike most actors of the era who started young, and worked their way up through the system, Borgnine got his start relatively “late,” giving the profession a try in his early 30s, when he came back from serving in the Navy in World War II. After starting on the stage, and landing a few roles on both the big and small screen, Borgnine scored his big break, landing the aforementioned role in “From Here To Eternity,” and it was that gruff turn that became a calling card of sorts. He nabbed a small role in Nicholas Ray‘s “Johnny Guitar,” and bigger parts in Robert Aldrich‘s “Vera Cruz” and John Sturges‘ “Bad Day At Black Rock.”

He also got divorced four times, because that’s just something people in Old Hollywood used to do to pass the time until we invented technology. It was either that or play that game with the hoop you push around with a wand. Ugh. The past was the shittiest time period *ever.*

Source: IndieWire
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3.19.12: Pastor Attending Faith Healing Event – IRONICALLY DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:45 am April 2, 2012

There was a time in America when this was not only allowed by law, but actively encouraged.

 

If you think that nothing ever comes out of Nigeria except disasters brought on by scamming the highly impressionable, you should be aware that you’re 1.) coming off kinda racist, and 2.) totally correct.

A pastor in attendance of a controversial faith-healing conference in Cape Town, Nigeria died after suffering from renal failure inside the stadium, because apparently Nigeria has stadiums. I have to assume they’re made out of discarded parade floats and held together with chaw. Wow… I really have nothing good to say about the place.

Make it hurt so good, Block Quote:

The Higher Life Conference, which also takes place in Britain and the United States, is staged by Pastor Chris Oyakhilome, who can reputedly perform miracles such as healing the paralysed.

“Pastor Chris”, one of Nigeria’s most wealthy evangelist preachers with a global following of millions, is believed to be worth as much as £30 million.

Another 16 people were sent to the hospital, which I also figure is made of humorous items. But I’m not going to list them, because my court-mandated psychiatrist says you’re not the boss of me.

 

Source: The Telegraph

 

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