This Day in Death

6.15.14 – Casey Kasem – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 2:53 am June 18, 2014

CASEY_KASEMOOOH NOOO NO NO; If you’re a cartoon dog functioning at a level that involves standing up for photo ops and rudimentary vocal ability then you’re anthropomorphized enough to get a real job and contribute to society right alongside us humans and our crushed spirits. No more of this laid back, best-of-both-worlds Marmaduke shit. Hell, Goofy has Down syndrome but even he manages to put a vest on himself every morning. At least he’s trying.

 

Legendary voice actor and American Top 40 DJ Casey Kasem passed away on Sunday amidst antagonism between family members pertaining to his hospice care. Kasem’s death had been a slow and painful ordeal, only slightly worse than trying to convince America that Imagine Dragons is a legitimate musical force every damn week. I don’t know what kind of substance is running in Seacrest’s veins that gives him the strength to power through that particular shame with his creepy rictus intact, but if it’s human blood I’ll eat my oversized novelty hat.

His voice was familiar to fans who tuned in weekly to hear him count down the nation’s most popular songs, a tradition that he continued with Casey’s Top 40, American Top 20 and American Top 10.

“Hosting various versions of my countdown program has kept me extremely busy, and I loved every minute of it,” he said upon his retirement in 2009.

Kasem seemed like a pretty nice guy and the story of his death has been a particularly sad one, so I figured we’d just look at some insincere tweets, I’d probably microwave this gas station burrito that’s been sitting around for a while, and we’d all pack it in for an early yet productive day. Then I found this:

 

 

Now, at first this struck me as the usual “Even in grief, I can’t go 140 characters without talking about myself” celeb tweet that we’ve poked with a stick before, but something just seemed extra obnoxious about Osmond here. Maybe it’s the painfully earnest profile picture suggesting a total lack of self-awareness, I don’t know. At any rate, I decided to follow the rabbit hole down a little further.

Donny Osmond’s Twitter account is a perfect example of why I hate Twitter. (Speaking of which, make sure to follow the TDiD’s new Twitter account! Social media experts agree: It’s pointlessly superfluous.) I realize that, at its core, the stupid thing is just an image management tool for celebrities, but Jesus Christ at least pretend you’re giving me something akin to a meaningful content handjob. Instead, just about every single tweet is The Donfather either vainly reposting a stranger’s compliment about him or touting what he believes to be his revolutionary new phone app. Since I’m extremely suggestible, I downloaded said app, and… it’s nothing. It’s literally nothing but samples of the cover songs on his new album with a couple of lines written about each. Also known as what we used to call a web site. You know, back in the Oughties.

So what the hell? Chicago Sun-Times, what have you got for me?

“The record company thought I was nuts to allow two minutes’ worth of sampling, but I told them, if they like what they hear, they’ll want to buy the album,” Osmond said. “And the app asks for absolutely no permissions; I have no interest in invading people’s cell phones like the rest of the apps out there that invade your phone with permissions. And it absolutely had to be a free app. I’m a HUGE tech geek, so I designed it to be easy to use, extremely simple in design. I turned it over to an engineer for the code and we went through a few incarnations and it’s finally out.”

You see, cynics? The Wizard of Os isn’t gonna give you the snowjob: You get those samples of/blurbs about other peoples’ songs for FREE. Yes, I’m sure he’s taking a serious hit by letting us be advertised to, absolutely free of charge and without swearing NSA loyalty oaths, but that’s why they call him Silicon Valley Don. I mean, like, just now I called him that. Technically, that counts.

But don’t take my word for it; Just look at this review from noted person who totally exists Jamie Heiker, who reminds us that “Donny has always been on the cutting edge of music and technology.” That must be all kinds of true. Would you expect anything less forward-thinking from a man who once owned a technicolor dreamcoat? And who can forget his annual one-man expeditions to the Internet to sandblast all of the accumulated YouPorn grime from its tubes, or his current work with controversial noise-rock poster boys Death Grips?

DEATHGRIPSDONNYOSMOND

So there you go. Donny Osmond officially considers himself to be on the bleeding edge of technological innovation. You guys caused all this, what with your Tweeting about how you’re synching your Pinterest to your Tumblr or whatever the hell. Now even Donny Osmond knows what an app is and I have to maintain a Twitter account, because the internet is terrible. Oh, and Casey Kasem is dead, too. It’s really just piling on at that point.



Source: People

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12.18.13: Chicago DJ Larry Lujack – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:17 am December 22, 2013

 LARRY_LUJACKLujack, back center, poses for a picture with the “This is Why We’re Not in a Visual Industry” players. Not sure how an attractive lady ended up in the mix. See, this is why I’m against Affirmative Action, it really throws off the chemistry of a group like that.

 

Chicago radio legend Larry Lujack, considered the precursor to the modern shock jocks that have kept us so thoroughly entertained with a steady stream of fart-centric hilarity lo these last couple decades, died on Wednesday of esophageal cancer. This after the Chicago Tribune corrected its originally reported cause of death, which was “the pungent, creeping atrophying of all things related to radio, as the final desperate vestiges of a once relevant industry shambles, vacant-eyed and culturally impotent, towards the spiraling oblivion of total and complete obsolescence.” Good call on the rewrite, Tribune. That shit got pretty dark, even by Chicago standards.

That’s right, we’re mocking radio today: The medium of choice for people who desperately need to know what the roads looks like in the morning but would rather wait through a Twofer Tuesday Doubleshot of Van Halen classics instead of checking their phone. Because traffic and weather on the 8s after an ad for discount carpet treatment is the real information superhighway!

[Lujack and co-host Tommy Edwards] started doing their signature bit, “Animal Stories,” at WLS in the late 1970s. “Uncle Lar” would read offbeat news about animals to his sidekick, “little snot-nosed Tommy,” who would be hearing them for the first time. Their spontaneous chemistry made the live bits a hit with listeners, and an enduring chapter in Chicago radio history.

Despite what unscrupulous bloggers like me from earlier in this post like to imply, Lujack didn’t really engage in the crass put-em-on-the-glassisms of later shock jocks, usually opting to pull out of a tailspin before things got particularly tasteless. He even half-joked that he’d like to personally buy back every copy of his autobiography Superjock, largely because he found the vulgar language embarrassing in retrospect. Of course, that’d be borderline impossible. Lujack would’ve had better luck just trying to remove the offensive bits from future printings, like they did with all the racist stuff in Huckleberry Finn. Or the time Gabriel Garcia Marquez had to rewrite part of One Hundred Years of Solitude after he erroneously implied that the Muisca people were conquered by Gonzalo Jimenez de Quesada in 1536, when every backwoods, inbred hick knows that the Spanish Empire didn’t make their way to Colombia’s Cordillera Oriental until 1537. Ha! See you on the shortbus, Marquez, you clueless dolt! Also, I heard that the second printing of the Bible took out a whole passage about Job calling God an “ass bucket.” In that light it really looks like he was bringing shit on himself if you ask me.


Source: The Chicago Tribune

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1.27.13: Philadelphia Broadcasting Icon Sally Starr – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:46 pm January 29, 2013

 

SALLY_STARREveryone was pretty hot before those egghead scientists went and invented color. Who asked for that, anyway? The world is hard enough to keep track of without all of those reds and blues always getting in the damn way.

 

I think the basics were pretty well covered via the headline up there, but if you really need it spoon-fed to you, Philadelphia broadcasting icon Sally Starr is dead today. Fun fact: Pennsylvania’s primary function is to serve as a buffer against New Jersey, thus ensuring that the latter makes direct contact with as few other states as possible. It’s sorta like America’s Dental Dam.

For two hours a day, five days a week until 1971, Starr hosted “Popeye Theater.” Dressed in her famed spangled cowgirl outfit, she introduced “Popeye” cartoons and Three Stooges shorts, and welcomed celebrity guests to her live telecasts.

She also dispensed life lessons – about everything from fire prevention to getting along with others – to her young fans, and brightened their days by sending great big “smoocheroonies” their way, along with such signature lines as “I hope you feel as good as you look, because you sure look good to Your Gal Sal,” and “Love ya lots! Love, luck and lollipops.”

It may seem kinda quaint in hindsight, but that kind of thing can really have a positive effect on developing young minds. Nowadays all the kids are forced to turn to rainbow parties and butt chugging and Rhianna songs for self-confidence. You’ve really gotta get to these kids early in order to keep them on the right path to psychological maturity. It’s why I’ve stepped in to fill the void with my “Touch a Kid Where it Counts!” preteen youth group series. Turnout has been a little low so far, but I think volunteering to pick the kids up right from school is a timesaver that their parents are really going to appreciate. And driving them in a van with tinted windows allows them to focus on their homework during the trip without getting distracted by the outside world.



Source: Philly.com

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4.18.12: Dick Clark – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:39 am April 19, 2012

It’s not often that a guy in rainbow suspenders and a wide tie isn’t the most uncomfortable person in the room.

 

Television icon Dick Clark has died after suffering from a heart attack on Wednesday. You know Clark best from his long-running stint hosting every show that’s ever been on television ever. Except “MADtv.” Because come on.

In recent years ABC took to shamelessly propping a post-stroke Clark up against a lightpost in Times Square to continue co-hosting his signature “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” special. In the wake of that it can be hard to keep in mind that Clark balled pretty hard by all scientifically measurable standards, and no amount of having to share the spotlight with sentient Banana Republic store Ryan Seacrest will change that. In addition to “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve,” Clark created the American Music Awards, “The $25,000 Pyramid,” “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes,” hosted “American Bandstand” for 30 years, got to hang out with Michael Jackson (before the… unpleasantness), and ended up on the Forbes 400 Wealthiest Americans list. Meanwhile, I still tell the story about the time I managed to get into the background of “Good Morning America” wearing an “It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself” shirt. Who’s had a more esteemed career in entertainment? History will make that decision.

Despite his success Clark stayed humble and genuinely likeable to the end. It’s refreshing to, for once, be able to read a celebrity’s Wiki entry without having to internally justify decades worth of tax fraud and raging antisemitism. I swear, every time a famous person seems like a decent human being it’s only a matter of time until someone finds them hanging out in the cemetery cutting off corpse hands to use as masturbatory aides. That’s exactly what happened with Tom Hanks. Seriously, stay away from that guy. Dude is fucked. Up.

 

Source: CBS News

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