This Day in Death

8.11.12: Gay Marriage Protester Who Set Fire to General Mills’ Lawn – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:05 pm August 17, 2012

Dying of a heart attack after destroying a food product that can help reduce heart attacks *and* wearing a pink shirt while protesting gay marriage? They must grow some potent irony in Minnesota.

The man above is Michael Leisner, who was under investigation for apparently fleeing the scene after setting fire to the lawn outside of General Mills’ corporate campus in Golden Valley, Minnesota. Leisner was protesting the company’s indirect support of gay marriage by burning a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, which, apparently, are made of the same stuff they make those trick birthday candles out of. The investigation has come to an unceremonious halt, since Leisner dropped dead of a heart attack last week.

Look, we’re not gonna get into politics or social issues here, because I don’t want to risk having to know your opinions on anything other than how handsome I look in my new tracksuit (thank you, by the way). As I’ve tried to drive home before, if I wanted to hear the incessant braying of a bunch of half-informed attention whores I never would’ve stopped moderating that Cabbage Patch Kids forum. Those guys… are intense.

But at this point I think we all kinda know gay marriage will be legal everywhere eventually. Have you ever watched old newsreel footage and just been stunned by the crazy shit people were protesting, and how society was more or less split down the middle about it at the time? Like, “Wait, Strom Thurmond was trying to ban photosynthesis? How the hell would that even work?” It amazes me that people *still* don’t realize that that’s the legacy they’re gonna be leaving behind. People like Leisner go to their graves convinced they’re taking some righteous stand but a hundred years from now they’re just gonna be that guy who burned down an orphanage because he figured Laserdiscs were gonna give us all mutant superpowers. Dude, just get on the winning team while you can.

Ugh. That just skewed dangerously close to being topical. Can we all agree that we’d be fine with this if he was just burning a box of Original Cheerios to protest how godawful they taste? They’re like dusty little drywall rings. It’s like the breakfast that everyone would eat in a movie about a super bland town in the 50’s that’s about to get shaken up by the arrival of rock music. Unless General Mills himself is gonna come to my kitchen every morning and cut up a banana to put in the flavorless horse chow he calls a cereal I’ll just stick to my usual breakfast of a Japanese Double Roll Pizza. The intestinal pain lets you know you’re ready for the day!

Source: The Smoking Gun

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