This Day in Death

2.3.14: Porn Star and Magazine Publisher Gloria Leonard – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:47 pm February 24, 2014

GLORIA_LEONARDI like my women like I like my Blues Traveler frontmen: with a staple right through the stomach.


Like moving to Canada if the candidate you don’t happen to agree with wins, sex is one of those things that everyone always talks about but nobody actually does. As every girlfriend I’ve ever had has made the painstaking effort to explain to me, it’s just one of those things people talk about to kill time at restaurants and airport bathrooms, nobody’s seriously going through with it. Nobody, that is, except those courageous stars of pornographic films. Every day, they’re suffering the humiliations of exposed back flab and poorly-executed fluid arc trajectories so that we don’t have to. They’re truly heroes among men, like firefighters who don’t pussy out by wearing a bunch of bulky clothes on the job. Not very sexy, Lieutenant.

Today, the world is short one more psychologically well-adjusted hero; porn star Gloria Leonard, who passed away recently after a stroke. I mean, like, a cerebrovascular accident, not… well, you know.

Leonard made her debut in 1974’s The Opening of Misty Beethoven, which must’ve been a prequel to those other movies because I didn’t see any St. Bernards in it anywhere. Charles Grodin was definitely there, though. I respect the continuity.

Ms. Leonard’s background in public relations, as well as her high profile on screen, led to her hiring as the publisher of the men’s magazine High Society in 1977, a job she held for more than a decade while continuing to appear in and direct films.

Already seasoned in a number of professions, Leonard didn’t appear in porn until she was well into her 30s. Continuing to appear in films into her mid-40s, she proved that vaginas don’t have expiration dates after all. So it’s never too late, lady who played Mona on Who’s the Boss?. Come on, this fanfic isn’t gonna make itself come true.



Source: The NY Times

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3.19.13: Porn Star Harry Reems – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:17 am March 22, 2013

HARRY_REEMSIf you were wondering exactly how much untamed 70s bush Reems saw, keep in mind: That ain’t a mustache.

 

Herbert Streicher, who made his bones (tee hee!) under the name Harry Reems (tee hee!!) in the controversial 1970s porn Deep Throat, is dead today of a depressingly unsexy case of pancreatic cancer. Nothing ruins a masturbatory experience for me faster than pulmonary embolisms. Well, maybe not “ruins,” but definitely “somewhat slows down.” This seems as good a time as any to remind my roommate not to look in the “stuff for work” folder on my laptop. Dude, it’s just boring stuff for work, why would you wanna look at that?

In 1972, Reems found himself an extra on the set of “Deep Throat.” When the male lead failed to show, Reems filled the breach, playing the randy Dr. Young opposite Lovelace.

The movie became a blockbuster that turned the obscure actor into a porn superstud. And with blue movies becoming mainstream, the mustached Reems became an unlikely ambassador for a business that was trying to shake off its seedy image.

You know, the TDiD has long been seen as the internet’s comedy website fluffer, pleasing you enough so that you can successfully toss your funny bone into Cracked (or, if it’s your first time, College Humor) while never quite satisfying you on its own. There’s a reason this place is a six at best: If I actually tried to be genuinely funny around here you guys would be snorting your Mountain Dew all over yourselves first thing in the morning like a bunch of goddamn amateurs. Oh, also, by hanging around here you’ve probably exposed yourself to a truly astounding amount of viruses. You’re, uh… you’re gonna wanna go ahead and call the Geek Squad in the morning.

 
Source: NY Daily News

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10.18.12: Porn Star Sylvia Kristel – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:05 pm October 19, 2012

You’re never gonna get thoroughly clean if you just spend the whole bath slowly massaging your chest like that. America’s pre-teens rely on lurid sexuality to teach them proper hygiene practices and this is just leading them down a dangerous path.

Porn star (or “adult film actress” if you’re applying for a grant) Sylvia Kristel is dead today, and I’m just gonna come right out and tell you that it was throat cancer. Yes yes, get it out of your systems. I thought you guys were a bit more sophisticated than that. I mean, I’m not, but I thought you were.

Kristel was best known for playing the title role in the landmark 1974 softcore porn Emmanuelle. Wait, hang on. They’re making softcore porno now? What, is that just mostly hand-holding or something? Do they have to keep the gangbangs in the single digits? And what of ATM? Who’s softcore porn even for, people who want square tires and put water in their cereal? I tell you, there are some reeeal sickos in the world.

She did act in mainstream films, […] but was nearly always cast in sexually suggestive parts, and her performances drew considerably less attention than her face and figure.

In her 2006 autobiography, “Undressing Emmanuelle,” she wrote that she was “disappointed and a little hurt” that her more serious work went unappreciated. “I was dressed but people preferred me naked,” she wrote.

Well, now I feel bad about the pelvic-thrusty nature of this post, so let’s just call it a day here. It’s just as well, since I generally try to avoid jokes about porn or prostitution. I mean, there’s this stuff. And these. And I’d hate to forget this one. But as a general rule I try to steer clear of that stuff. Or at least skip a day here and there. Wow. When you lay it out like that it really starts to look like I might have a problem after all. I guess I owe Pastor Robinson a pretty big apology.

Source: The New York Times

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