This Day in Death

11.19.12: New Hampshire Senator Warren B. Rudman – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:17 pm November 21, 2012

Here’s a fun fact: Due to a clerical error, the Ottawa Senators hockey team is also required to function as Canada’s governing congressional body.


Former senator from New Hampshire Warren B. Rudman is dead today, and though it may be the wrong time to bring it up, I feel this may be my only chance for a while to mention that my favorite kamasutra position is “suspended congress.” And, yes, there’s plenty more sweet talk where that came from, single ladies of America. *wink*

Mr. Rudman was among the first members of Congress to speak out about the rising federal debt, which he believed was a threat to bankrupt the country. Alarmed by an annual deficit that had reached a record $200 billion in 1985 under Reagan — the annual figure now exceeds $1 trillion — Mr. Rudman joined Sens. Phil Gramm (R-Tex.) and Ernest F. Hollings (D-S.C.) as principal sponsors of the ­Gramm-Rudman-Hollings Balanced Budg­et Act of 1985.

The act, often shortened to Gramm-Rudman, called for a balanced federal budget within six years and was the first substantive effort by Congress in modern times to compel reductions in the federal deficit.

Sorry, I know I’m supposed to say something clever here, but fiscal responsibility is a sore subject for me ever since my business, the Phunky Phresh Kardboard Kompany, went under. We specialized in selling sheets of cardboard to inner city breakdancers at an outrageously fly markup. For one brief, glorious summer it really looked like the Crystal Pepsi would be flowing like water, but somehow something just went wrong. I’ve spent hours trying to explain to my investors what happened, but really I think it just came down to bad marketing. And the fact that it was 2009.

Source: The Washington Post

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10.22.12: Actor and Activist Russell Means – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:15 pm October 24, 2012

A wristwatch? Oh, I’m sorry, Nipponzan Myohoji Buddhist Rev. Katsuzo Sawada, I thought your belief structure was all about *avoiding* the trappings of materialism, not selling your eternal soul to the Timex corporation. I guess I was mistaken.

Native American activist Russell Means, who spent four decades fighting for the rights of indigenous peoples, is dead today at the age of 72. So watch out, flea markets and swap meets of Wasatch County, Utah; Whitey’s coming for whatever you’ve got left. Unless it’s just a bunch of those dreamcatcher things. Nobody wants those.

Means was also an actor, a musician and a writer, because the proud Oglala Sioux people used every part of the corporate media distribution system. (I like that because it’s kinda both a compliment and an insult.)

Diagnosed with esophageal cancer in 2011, and given only a short time to live, Means used native treatments and remedies and opted out of chemotherapy and radiation. He died on his ranch this week and is survived by his wife, Pearl Daniels, and his nine children.

Points for sticking to his beliefs, even when it may’ve cost him his life. It’s kinda like when you said you weren’t gonna get married until gay marriage was legalized everywhere, except that Means didn’t pussy out at 27 because someone called him a spinster.

Source: The Nation

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10.21.12: George McGovern – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:30 pm October 23, 2012

Noble as his intentions were, McGovern’s “Come Home America” button initiative just couldn’t compete with Nixon’s “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt campaign. The 70s!

I had planned to tell you that yet another saxophonist is dead, thus cementing TDiD as the internet’s number 1 source for late-breaking saxman death news, but then liberal hippie-type George McGovern had to up and die as well, and people seem to really care about that, so I guess yet another of my dreams has been crushed. First I find out that Lucky Charms contain no actual magical properties, and now this. The late 20s are a real tough age for a young boy’s dreams.

Sen. John Kerry said Sunday that McGovern never let the political popularity of a subject determine whether he supported a cause.

“George McGovern was a voice of clarity and conviction at a time when America needed it most,” Kerry said. “He spoke to many of us who opposed the war but loved our country, because he was the genuine article, a soft-spoken, decent and gentle man who lived a remarkable life with humility.”

While some people admired McGovern for his liberal viewpoints and others for his tireless work to feed the hungry, my favorite thing about him is that he had the word “govern” right there in his name. It helps me remember who he was, and I appreciate that. I don’t have the time to remember the names and careers of every single politician I hear about or celebrity I see on television or sibling I grew up knowing or girl I’m currently on a date with, you gotta streamline stuff like that. How the hell does Lawrence Fishburne expect me to remember what he does? Is he a chef or something? It’s just nonsense, really.


Source: CNN

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10.15.12: Former King of Cambodia Norodom Sihanouk – DEAD!

Filed under: Uncategorized —James @ 6:56 pm October 18, 2012

 In his latter years, Sihanouk successfully ran for mayor of Boca Raton, Florida. Sweet gig, man.

Former king of Cambodia Norodom Sihanouk died this week, and since I don’t know anything about Cambodia this makes me really… sad… ? Relieved… ? Hungry? Let’s just go with respectfully disinterested. Ah, that feels nice. GOOOOOOOOOO CULTURAL IGNORANCE!

The keffiyeh models over at NPR daintily tapped out the following on their iPads:

His former information official Prince Sisowath Thomico recalls that when politics got rough, Sihanouk would escape into lavish parties, where he would wine, dine and sing for his guests. His real personality, Sisowath Thomico says, was that of an artist.

Sihanouk directed several movies, including the 1992 film My Village At Sunset, about a love triangle in a hospital full of land mine victims. Sihanouk also painted, played in a jazz band and was a big fan of Elvis Presley ballads.

Cambodia’s French colonial rulers assumed he would make a good puppet king when they put him on the throne in 1941. Instead he helped Cambodia win its independence in 1953.

I’m not gonna call anyone a liar, but I’m upwards of 1000% certain that that’s just the premise of some lost Chris Farley movie. “He farted a LOT, and that really resonated with me,” raved one reviewer. Hmm. Hey, remember when this blog used to be classier?

Source: NPR

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10.14.12: Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:57 pm October 15, 2012

Specter, seen here responding to controversy ignited from his proposed “Bitches Ain’t Shit” constitutional amendment. Not a lot of support for that one, but you have to admire his passion: He truly BELIEVED that bitches weren’t shit.


Over the weekend former Pennsylvania senator Arlen Specter passed away from lymphoma, and if there’s a silver lining to that it has to be that it gives me a chance to hear your nuanced political opinions. If there’s one thing I love about doing this blog, it’s the chance to read your angry emails. Seriously, every time I can be blessed enough to gaze upon the latest barely coherent gibberish you people manage to string together using what I have to assume is a loosely-coordinated series of closed-fisted keyboard punches roughly timed to synchronize with the incessant braying of a Brit Hume or a Keith Olbermann or possibly just a dying ostrich on Animal Planet, I can’t help but have an immediate physiological reaction of almost orgasmic joy. And no, I’m not still seeing Dr. Silverberg about my “sarcasm problem,” Lt. Col. Needs to Know Every Detail of My Personal Life.

A political moderate, Specter was swept into the Senate in the Reagan landslide of 1980.

He took credit for helping to defeat President Clinton’s national health care plan — the complexities of which he highlighted in a gigantic chart that hung on his office wall for years afterward — and helped lead the investigation into Gulf War syndrome. Following the Iran-Contra scandal, he pushed legislation that created the inspectors general of the CIA.

As a senior member of the powerful Appropriations Committee, Specter pushed for increased funding for stem-cell research, breast cancer and Alzheimer’s disease, and supported several labor-backed initiatives in a GOP-led Congress. He also doggedly sought federal funds for local projects in his home state.

You know, I often like to imagine that people often like to ask me how I vote, and I hypothetically tell them that I usually vote for third parties.  For instance, in 2008 I cast my ballot for Libertarian Party candidate Bob Barr. The decision was partially attributable to my being a fiery independent who refuses to be swayed by political manipulation and partially because I had him confused with Babar the cartoon elephant. Both spoke to my personal beliefs, so no harm, no foul.

Source: The LA Times

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6.30.12: Former Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir – DEAD! The TDiD 100th Post Blognniversary!

Filed under: Uncategorized —James @ 9:21 am July 5, 2012

Well, thanks for the enthusiasm, but now I just feel bad for not being able to get through your Wiki entry.


Today’s cheap excuse for me to just say whatever the hell I was gonna say anyway is former Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir. But we don’t have time to get bummed out today, because this marks the TDiD’s landmark 100th post, not counting the four times I erroneously reported on the passing of Hugh Downs. What can I say; We’re long overdue for someone to get shot in the dick with a harpoon and then immediately be devoured by a pack of hyenas, so I took an educated guess.

Point is, everyone who said I’d never stick with this thing past the first week can report to the backside of my pimp hand, toot suite. How’s that feel, parents, members of local clergy, and back-talking house pets? Who’s the morbid, antisocial loner trying desperately to mask his clinical depression and self-loathing by mocking the suffering of others now? No, YOU forgot to take YOUR Wellbutrin this morning!

Anyway, since the 100th is the novelty feature anniversary, I got you a “Random Post” button. It’s on the sidebar there, and it’s just one of the many tools you can use to try and pinpoint the exact post where I stopped caring. Hint: His name rhymes with Click Dark.


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6.19.12: Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak – HANGING ON! OR MAYBE DEAD!

Filed under: Hanging On —James @ 1:38 am June 21, 2012

He was Egypt’s most Tommy Lee Jonesian president.

Why hello there, “Hanging On” tag. We haven’t seen you around here in a while. So, what, you think you’re better than me, now? Because you’re not. You’re not better than me.

Egyptian news reports late Tuesday that said [former president Hosni] Mubarak was “clinically dead” sent fireworks into the night and cheers among the banners blowing in Cairo’s Tahrir Square. But like so much else in Egypt, things were not as they first appeared. Officials hurried out their own statement: Mubarak, sentenced to life in prison this month for complicity in the murder of hundreds of protesters in the uprising that toppled him last year, was actually in critical condition and on life support.

“But what does any of this have to do with fluffy ducklings?” exclaimed the exasperated husk of what once was CNN. “Is there any way we can make this story 15% more xtreme?”

Anyway, the accusations levied against Mubarak included the aforementioned complicity, as well as economic fraud, shutting down internet and telephone service, and once trying to block out the sun with a giant mechanical disc. That last thing may have actually been Mr. Burns, but I already closed the Mubarak tab so I’m just winging it now.

Source: The LA Times

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4.21.12: Nixon Aide Chuck Colson – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am April 26, 2012

Oh, that Doonesbury! How deliciously perspicacious! What’s that? You didn’t get it? Well, we can’t *all* go to college. I think I might have a water-damaged Marmaduke or two around here somewhere…


Chuck Colson, former aide to Richard Nixon, died on Saturday from complications related to a brain hemorrhage. Colson was the man behind Nixon’s famous “Enemies List,” which probably means he was a lot of fun to be around.

Colson was Nixon’s special counsel and was part of the Watergate scandal which led to Nixon’s resignation. He was known as the president’s “hatchet man,” and also served on Nixon’s re-election committee, which plotted and attempted to steal information from the Democratic Party headquarters.

Don’t bother looking it up; “Hatchet Man” is not an awesome new Juggalo-themed superhero. It’s just a misleading name for the kind of job that requires you to wear a tie that hasn’t been drawn directly onto your t-shirt. Looks like God’s path for me is still Federal Breast Inspector for at least one more day.

But Colson wasn’t just a shameless mudslinger who contributed to his nation’s gradual sense of total disillusionment with their elected officials, a decline in morale that has successfully transformed America into a veritable ant farm of desensitized IKEA patrons who can’t be bothered to vote unless a new M&M color is at stake. Oh no, he was also a pioneer of the now-classic “seriously, you guys, I’m totes changed” approach to pre-incarceration repentance.

Colson pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice and served seven months of a one-to-three year prison sentence.

Prior to the start of his prison sentence, Colson became a born-again Christian. After his release from an Alabama prison, Colson founded Prison Fellowship, a nonprofit organization that conducts outreach to prisoners to “seek the transformation of prisoners… through the power and truth of Jesus Christ.”

Alright, I admit this is a pretty cynical post, but it’s hard not to be a bit of an ass about an administration that put both Colson and Ben Stein into the public consciousness. Because of Stein I have to hold my tongue every time someone still thinks it’s fucking hilarious to say “Bueller… Bueller…?” to an unresponsive crowd. Plus, he wore sneakers on every episode of Win Ben Stein’s Money. Dick Clark never would’ve strolled out onto the set of Pyramid in Crocs. Have some respect for the medium!


Souce: CBS News

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03.01.12: Andrew Breitbart – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:33 am March 1, 2012

The blue eyes drew me in, but it was the pasty neck rolls that kept bringing me back.


Conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart is dead today at the age of 43. In memoriam, Matt Drudge brought out his most muted Geocities siren .gif. That’s the closest we’re going to get to a political joke here because I don’t feel like dealing with your stupid opinions one way or the other. You people sound like silverware stuck in a garbage disposal when you’re just ordering a cheeseburger, my eardrums would burst if I had to hear you shriek on about something you actually care about. I could wear a hornet’s nest as a hat and wouldn’t have to endure as much shrill nonsense. Great, now the blood pressure’s up. Give me something for the pain, Block Quote:

Andrew passed away unexpectedly from natural causes shortly after midnight this morning in Los Angeles.

We have lost a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a dear friend, a patriot and a happy warrior.

Andrew lived boldly, so that we more timid souls would dare to live freely and fully, and fight for the fragile liberty he showed us how to love.

I really don’t understand why we use the term “natural causes” in situations like this. He was 43.  Death at that age would only be ‘natural’ if Breitbart happened to be either a.) a New England colonist in the 1600s or b.) a zebra. Oh well. Don’t mind me, I’m just upset that I never bothered to ask him for blogging advice before starting up this site. If this thing isn’t a success then this ‘Blog Life’ stomach tattoo is just going to make me look goofy.



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