This Day in Death

1.11.13: Ariel Sharon – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:32 pm January 15, 2014

ARIEL_SHARONGoat boa is fashion worth the risk of contracting foot-and-mouth disease for.


Unsuccessful prop comic Ariel Sharon died over the weekend after being in a coma for eight years following a stroke suffered in 2006. You’ve probably never seen his comedy routine, or even heard of him, such was the extent of his failure to break through into the mainstream. I blame his name. It just doesn’t scan as very funny, and as someone who’s sat through a lot of Kathy Griffin specials, I consider myself qualified to make that call. Hang on… Wait wait… Wait, let me doublecheck my notes… Okay… Alright. Upon closer reading it turns out Sharon was actually the former Prime Minister of Israel. Okay. Well, in that case I guess the name isn’t too odd after all, but I still maintain you’re not gonna pack the Guffaw Hut in Sioux City, Iowa with it.

Many in the Arab world called Sharon “the Butcher of Beirut” after he oversaw Israel’s 1982 invasion of Lebanon while serving as defense minister.

He was a major figure in many defining events in the Middle East for decades, including his decision to turn over Gaza and parts of the West Bank to Palestinian control.

Sorry, I wanted to keep going here, but honestly after all these years this whole conflict “Israeli” starting to bore me. Ha! Now that’s how you structure a good joke, Sharon!


Source: CNN

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12.5.13: Nelson Mandela – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 2:44 am December 7, 2013

NELSON_MANDELAOh, I’m sorry, are those wraparounds prescription? Douche.


Well, political prisoner-turned-president of South Africa Nelson Mandela is dead, which can only mean one thing: racism is back. Sorry guys, we had a good five years, but I think we all kinda knew this thing had an expiration date on it when we signed up. Let’s look at the positive; if post-racial civilization was a sitcom five seasons would be a pretty respectable run. And an attractive syndication package, I might add! Try to focus on the good times, like when audiences of all colors and creeds came together to tell Will Smith that we don’t feel like putting up with his ugly kid’s stupid face anymore. There was a time when speaking up like that would’ve gotten you hosed on the street, you know.

“I leave it to the public to decide how they should remember me,” he said on South African television before his retirement.

“But I should like to be remembered as an ordinary South African who together with others has made his humble contribution.”

So that’s a big “case closed” on this post, then. Astute readers will note that I haven’t said much of substance here. For whatever reason people get all salty when I say pretty much anything about their beloved world leaders, and I’m seriously not up to the fight. Honestly, my skin is like construction paper, you could start me hemorrhaging with the blunt end of a Bic. Instead, I’m just gonna try backing out of the room on this one. Look, if you want legitimate insight have you considered visiting the Nelson Mandela Museum in Mthatha? Fair warning if you go; they had trouble filling out some of the wings and ended up adding artifacts from late 80s/early 90s follicle-rock superstars Nelson, as well as quite a few items relating to cartoon bully Nelson Muntz. I looked at blue vests for the better part of an afternoon before putting two and two together.

Source: The Chicago Tribune

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8.15.13: Carter Adviser Bert Lance – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:23 am August 19, 2013

LANCE_BERTLOOK, I DON’T GET IT, NEW YORK TIMES, ALRIGHT!? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?! Please, just let me read my Hi and Lois‘ in peace.


Well, Bert Lance died last week, and if that name doesn’t ring any bells it’s probably because you stopped collecting those Office of Management and Budget trading cards after George P. Shultz. Mmm, that guy could measure the quality of my agency anyday.

So, for those of you who were too busy talking to girls to memorize 92 years of bureaucratic minutia, I’ve got you covered. Let’s just sit back and relax while the Times tries to see how much they can cram into a single run-on sentence before we all forget what the hell we were reading about in the first place:

Bert Lance, a small-town Georgia banker who became pre-eminent adviser and tennis-playing confidant to Jimmy Carter but was forced to resign after eight months as director of the Office of Management and Budget because of accusations that he had personally traded on his ties with the president, died on Thursday in Georgia.

Oh, NY Times reporter Robert D. Hershey Jr.! You are the Wikipediest! All the info with none of the contextual nuance. Alright, let me try one:

“Jesus of Nazareth, who was believed to have been born in or around Judea, and who allegedly performed fish and wine-based miracles for his bros using supernatural abilities his followers believe were granted to him by his father, Thy Living Lord God, and who spent his years working as a common carpenter despite possessing Silver Age Superman power levels because humility I guess, was killed by the Romans maybe probably and hung on a cross on Friday because it looks like those Romans do *not* fuck around.”

I dunno, man. All the facts are there, but it just doesn’t have the love.

Getting back to B-Lanz, you may know him better as the originator of the phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Unfortunately you don’t hear it much anymore, as all of our most valuable phrases have been YOLO’d away in recent years. That’s right; “Where’s the Beef,” “Sit on It,” even the ever-reliable and sagelike wisdom of “No Fat Chicks,” all gone. I tried to warn you guys, but that bastard has been a linguistic A-bomb from day one.

Source: NY Times

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7.20.13: Helen Thomas – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:14 pm July 22, 2013


PEOPLE-HELENTHOMAS/Woe was the soul of anyone foolish enough to sit within a five foot radius of Helen “Chili Powder” Thomas.


Over her nearly six decade career in journalism, Helen Thomas was a leading journalistic voice in American politics, reporting on and often gaining access to the inner circle of every President since Kennedy (Carter was the grabbiest). Sadly, Thomas passed away on Friday and will not be able to cover the inevitable 2016 election of P.R.E.Z.B.O.T., our first openly gay robot president. Oh sure, the religious right are gonna have a field day, but he can’t help the way he was programmed.

Her career, however, came to an end under a cloud of controversy.

Thomas, then working for the media conglomerate Hearst as a syndicated columnist, was blasted for comments she made regarding Jewish people.

In 2010, a YouTube video surfaced showing her saying that Israel should “get the hell out of Palestine,” and that the Jewish people should go home to “Poland, Germany … and America and everywhere else.”

That’s an unfortunate way to end such a distinguished career, and I hope the criticisms didn’t darken her spirits in her last days. You really can’t let your critics get to you like that. For instance, growing up everyone told me I was emotionally distant and unlovable on a basic human level, but you’d be hard pressed to get any of the cats in my apartment to agree with that.

Source: CNN

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6.3.13: New Jersey Senator Frank Launtenberg – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:18 pm June 5, 2013

 FRANK_LAUTENBERGIt’s posts like this that make me regret committing to this whole ‘funny caption’ thing. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? I may as well have been looking up pictures of actual white bread.

Frank Launtenberg, senator from New Jersey (the only state where you can major in Body Odor), died on Monday of viral pneumonia. No word yet on what will happen to Launtenberg’s proposed “Alla Them Stukachs in Newark Should Get Beat the Fuck Down in a Fuckin Hurry” bill. I’m really not sure that was even within his jurisdiction, but the legislative process will sort it out, I guess.

Let’s see what those jamooks over at The New York Slimes have to say about this.

[Lautenberg] pushed through a provision to establish a national drinking age of 21, a measure that threatened to cut 10 percent of a state’s federal highway money if it did not comply. He argued that the change would save lives by ending “a crazy quilt of drinking ages in neighboring states” and prevent those under 21 from driving over “blood borders” to get drunk and then try to drive home.

And yet Lautenberg sat on his hands when it came to kids crossing borders to attempt the infamous Michigan Bottle Deposit Scam. Godammit, the Great Lakes State could be hemorrhaging untold dimes in revenue even as we speak! I should watch, like, a lot less tv.


Source: The New York Times

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4.8.13: Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher – DEAD!

Filed under: Uncategorized —James @ 4:12 am April 9, 2013

 MARGARET_THATCHERI once bought a sex toy called The Iron Lady. I don’t really wanna talk any more about that.


Former Prime Minister and Meryl Streep job-creator Margaret Thatcher has died this week at the age of 87. I know I should’ve reported on it earlier, but it took a while to translate those BBC reports from goofy British English to your standard SuperXXXtreme American English*. You can’t just throw a superfluous ‘u’ into a word without asking us first, Britain!

Thatcher was a divisive figure in the UK for her controversial stance on, I don’t know, crumpet taxes or something. She also played a key role in ending the Cold War:

Thatcher’s political instincts had wide-ranging effects, including her conclusion early on that Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev represented a clear shift in the Soviet tradition of autocratic rulers. She said the West could “do business” with him, a position that influenced U.S. President Ronald Reagan’s dealings with Gorbachev as the Soviet era declined.

Christ, the Cold War was boring. 50 years and we never even got a really solid cartoonish supervillain out of it. I wasn’t expecting a Hitler 2 or an Ivan the Terrible (the Remix), but at least throw us a bone with an Ivan the Total Dick or something. Even the Cola Wars had Ray Charles declaring a fatwa on thirst, that was pretty cool. Or put Gorbachev in a cryogenic suit, Mr. Freeze-style. Point is, I don’t care what the transcripts say: It was 10th grade American History that failed me.


*Brought to you by Geico

Source: CBC News

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3.5.13: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:40 am March 6, 2013

HUGO_CHAVEZChavez, right, provides color commentary for Putin’s play-by-play of the Moscow Filthy Hovels football team. GOOOOOO Hovs!


Controversial Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is dead today, which you would’ve already known if you ever bothered to get any of your news from a legitimate source. Trust me, you’re not gonna get any meaningful analysis here, seeing as how this blog’s primary function is to send coded messages to various militia groups scattered throughout the US and Mexico. Hey, you can call it shoddy journalism all you want, but I’ve gotten 75 words into an article about Venezuela without a single mention of drug mules. I’ve already made my blogging coach proud, so let’s just go to the block quote before I slip up.

An affable, if sometimes bombastic, man, Chavez had a disarming manner that even his critics could not deny.

Some called his style buffoonish, but he spoke like an ordinary Venezuelan — not like a bureaucrat — and voters reacted positively.

Well, did you really expect enlightened political scrutiny from a country that allows its drug mules 3/5ths of a vote? Wait, shit! DO OVER! Hey Block Quote, can I get a mulligan on that one?

An affable, if sometimes bombastic, man, Chavez had a disarming manner that even his critics could not deny.

Some called his style buffoonish, but he spoke like an ordinary Venezuelan — not like a bureaucrat — and voters reacted positively.

It’s like Venezuela and Chavez were the South American version of a tv show about America and George W. Bush. You know, where all the characters pretty much behave the same way and the basic plots are the same, but you can see boom mics at the top of the screen and all of the women are comically busty, and periodically everyone just starts rocking out with maracas? What I’m trying to say is that Venezuela sounds awesome. I wonder if anyone would mind if we tried socialism over here. I should probably ask those old guys at the VFW about it.

Source: CNN

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2.1.13: Former New York Mayor Ed Koch – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:40 am February 4, 2013

ED_KOCHDid you know you can purchase your own grave before you die? It all but negates the need to fake your own death to secure a good spot, making my recent actions look kinda foolish. I should really call my mom and bring her up to speed about the whole thing one of these days.


Alright, well, Ed Koch is dead, but I’m gonna turn this over to the Times. So let’s all grit our teeth and try not to roll our eyes while they turn this into an insufferable stroke-job for New York.

Edward I. Koch, the master showman of City Hall, who parlayed shrewd political instincts and plenty of chutzpah into three tumultuous terms as mayor of New York with all the tenacity, zest and combativeness that personified his city of golden dreams, died Friday morning at age 88.

Liiiiittle more, please…

But out among the people or facing a news media circus in the Blue Room at City Hall, he was a feisty, slippery egoist who could not be pinned down by questioners and who could outtalk anybody in the authentic voice of New York: as opinionated as a Flatbush cabby, as loud as the scrums on 42nd Street, as pugnacious as a West Side reform Democrat mother.

Mmmmm yeah, that’s the stuff. New York City: Where even the obituaries are relentlessly self-important. I hear reporters at the Times are paid in airtight jars of their own farts.

Anyway, at several points in his career, Koch’s political opponents attempted to damage his reputation by spreading speculation that he might be gay, because apparently that’s a thing that matters somehow. I’m not really sure how that’s even a smear campaign, gay people probably make solid political leaders. They have such a great sense of community, always rehabbing shitty studio apartments and walking around holding hands with each other to make sure nobody gets lost. I guess that just means homosexuals tend to have a poor sense of direction, but that’s hardly a reason to keep them out of office. They’re not mayoring the Appalachian Trail, motherfuckers, vote ’em in.

Source: The New York Times

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12.19.12: Rejected Supreme Court Nominee Robert Bork – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:58 pm December 26, 2012

ROBERT_BORK164527306Robert Bork was, of course, named by the Swedish Chef. And that’s what happens when I hold onto a joke I found funny 20 years ago.

Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork is dead today, and I’d like to say that I’m late reporting it because I’ve been busy feeding the hungry this holiday season but the truth is a lot less altruistic and a lot more Airwolf marathony. *cough*… Moving on.

Bork has become notable for being the rare example of a Presidential Supreme Court nomination being rejected when, in 1987, the Senate voiced concerns that his conservative personal views would overtly color his judicial decisions. It’s pretty similar to that time I was totally next in line to be promoted to shift manager at Panera Bread, but then that bitch Jenny had to go and tell Mr. Spinoza that I was pocketing quarters from the til. She just wants to destroy me because she’s jealous, that’s all!

It is rare for the Senate in its constitutional “advice and consent” role to turn down a president’s Supreme Court nominee, and rarer still for that rejection to be based not on qualifications but on judicial philosophy and temperament. That turned Judge Bork’s defeat into a watershed event and his name into a verb: getting “borked” is what happens to a nominee rejected for what supporters consider political motives.

The success of the anti-Bork campaign is widely seen to have shifted the tone and emphasis of Supreme Court nominations since then, giving them an often strong political cast and making it hard, many argue, for a nominee with firmly held views ever to be confirmed.

Call me a filthy centrist (“filthy centrist” being one of the more challenging sexual positions I suggest you futilely try before giving up on your obviously loveless marriage, by the way), but that kind of political divisiveness can’t be good for a country. It’s time we get back to the core principles this country was founded on: Wearing hats with buckles on them and alienating black people. Or just do whatever the hell you want. What do I care, it’s not like I can even vote. I’ve been living under an assumed name for the past eight years. James O. may owe 30 grand to various bookies and brothel owners, but Juan Alvarado Sanchez is little more than a dirty pair of Wranglers and a bitchin’ fake mustache.

Source: The New York Times

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12.17.12: Hawaii Senator Daniel Inouye – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:05 pm December 21, 2012

DANIEL_INOUYEThe constraints of a 12-letter alphabet means Hawaiian culture never got exposed to Zubaz *or* the music of Sisqó. I mean, if you can even still call that a culture.


Assuming that you acknowledge Hawaii’s statehood and don’t just believe it’s an elaborate hoax to trick impressionable retirees into buying condos, Daniel Inouye represented the state as either a Representative or a Senator since its inception in 1959, never losing an election in his entire political career. Among Inouye’s accomplishments were sitting on the House Appropriations Committee, his aggressive investigation into the Watergate scandal, and instituting mandated prison sentences for anyone who still thinks that putting a wreath around your neck and then saying “you just got lei’d!” is funny. It’s not funny.

Democrat Daniel Inouye, the U.S. Senate’s most senior member and a Medal of Honor recipient for his bravery during World War II, has died. He was 88.

He died of respiratory complications and had been at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center since earlier this month. His office said his last word was “Aloha,” the traditional Hawaiian word for “hello” and “goodbye.”

Inouye served as President pro tempore during the final two years of his life, putting him as third in the line of succession for the Presidency and therefore making him the highest ranking Asian American in U.S. politics to date. The second highest, of course, would be Lucy Lui, followed closely by the ghost of Brandon Lee and about 30% of Lou Diamond Phillips. That ghost has a lot of bold ideas about gerrymandering.

Source: USA Today

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