This Day in Death

7.13.13: ‘Glee’ Star Cory Monteith – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:45 am July 17, 2013

CORY_MONTEITHThis thing has been on the air for four years, yet FOX still has zero interest in picking up my spinoff about high school bullies working tirelessly to keep the hallways clear of the combined menace of dweebs, nerds, poindexters and spazoids. I swear, if it takes the rest of my life I’m getting Wedgie Patrol greenlit.

 

Alright folks; I’m in way over my head here, so pardon me while I copy and paste together something marginally coherent for you:

Glee star Cory Monteith, whose character Finn Hudson evolved all the way from being a jock who doesn’t sing to being a jock who *does* sing, was found dead over the weekend.

Look, I’m not gonna pretend I understand what any of that means. My internet went down for 20 minutes once in 2009 and the next thing I knew everyone was singing their way through high school and kids were Snapchatting pictures of their buttholes to each other, so I’m still kinda playing catchup on youth culture. All I can seem to figure out for certain is that it’s cool to be uncool now, so I’m finally taking my Coogi sweater collection out of its 15-year retirement. I bet those teenagers at the mall are gonna think I’m pretty “dope” now and will probably ask me to teach them some of my moves at the skate park or whatever. Everyone says kids are difficult, but you really just gotta be able to relate to them.

“Glee” star Cory Monteith died as a result of “mixed drug toxicity” involving heroin and alcohol, the British Columbia Coroners Service reported Tuesday.

Monteith, 31, was found dead in his room at the Fairmont Pacific Rim hotel in downtown Vancouver, B.C. on July 13.

“At this point, there is no evidence to suggest Mr. Monteith’s death was anything other than a most tragic accident,” the Coroners Service said.

And so now here’s the part where I have to be the bad guy and mention that the jury’s pretty much in on the effects of heroin, so it’s kinda weird to classify an OD strictly under “accident.” You pretty much know what you’re getting into nowadays. Hey, I get it; You’re a 31-year old man playing a high school student for some inexplicable reason. You need to take the edge off, and all of your bros are gonna call you out if you’re the only one in the group without *any* type of hepatitis. But if you think drugs are the answer, just try telling that to my Halls Mentho-Lyptus addiction. On the street they call it the Tangy Dragon, you know.

 

Source: FOX News

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02.11.12: Whitney Houston – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 1:41 am February 11, 2012

You are fucking kidding me.

 

Annnnnnnnd the site begins in earnest with the death of an old, soiled dishrag that a sick doberman slept on for a few years. Wait, Whitney Houston? Seriously? Holy Christ. Cause of death has not yet been determined but if I had to hazard a guess I’d go with everything. Every last possible thing that a human being could die from. While we wait for the autopsy I’m gonna go reverse image search that picture. There’s no way a real person has ever looked like that. It’s like someone left a wax statue of a transvestite out in the sun.

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