This Day in Death

4.30.12: 500,000 Chickens – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:32 am May 2, 2012

I swear to God if this is another story that involves unexpected molestation I’m shutting this blog down.


Chickens: We eat them. But did you know they were once alive? It’s one of those things you never think to look up on Wiki, but it’s totes true.

Roughly half a million chickens perished in a fire at a Weld County egg farm Monday afternoon, authorities said.

The fire at Moark Hatcheries, located at 9575 Weld County Road 73, was reported at about 1:30 p.m.

SkyFOX aerial footage showed several buildings ablaze and a large plume of smoke that was visible from several miles away.

Well that certainly emphasizes the “bummer” aspect of the story. This is exactly why I’ve long suggested that all sad news items should be reported exclusively via Far Side cartoons. Maybe, like, all the chickens are scrambling to escape and one of them is left behind because he’s listening to an audio book about teaching yourself to fly and doesn’t hear the commotion. And the caption could say something about how ironic that is, and the chicken’s name would probably be something silly like “Mortimer” or “Greg” or something. Look, I realize that’s not all that funny but I never went to journalism school.



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3.13.12: Three Television Horses – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:49 am March 17, 2012

Nobody’s proud of this.


In the wake of a horse being injured on set, HBO has ended production of Luck, a show which must only be viewable to those who successfully solve a series of ancient television riddles because this is the first I’ve heard of it. The horse suffered a head injury and was subsequently euthanized.

The American Humane Association and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had called for an inquiry into “Luck” after a horse flipped and struck its head on Tuesday and was euthanized at the determination of an veterinarian.

So all PETA did was call for an inquiry? You mean to tell me their involvement didn’t necessitate dumping buckets of baby blood on exhumed corpses or mailing eyeballs to the president or some other pointless nonsense? You’ve changed, PETA. It used to be about the half-assed shock tactics.

Alright, back on track: I admit this is sad, but it was just one horse. Is that really enough to shut down an entire tv show? It’s like the old Chinese proverb: “Sometimes you murder a horse.” It becomes truer every year.


Two horses were also euthanized during the production of the first season of “Luck.”

Wait, so this was the third horse to die on set? Yeesh. Okay. Uh. Well, what do you expect from a long-running show like this? Hell, I bet The Simpsons has killed hundreds of horses, and that shit is animated.


The show survived it’s [sic, because I’m pedantic] season 1 run but was cancelled in the last two shows, cancelling season 2.

It didn’t even make it to two seasons without three dead horses?! Are you shitting me!? Has anybody ever even seen this show? Are we positive it even existed? I’m starting to think this whole production was just an elaborate scam to avoid paying taxes on running a glue factory. It happens all the time. You don’t wanna know why they really made Roots.


Sources: The New York Times and Z6Mag

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02.24.12: Most of the Animals PETA is Responsible For – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:59 pm February 24, 2012

On the one hand I hate that Olivia Munn endorses PETA, and also that she’s made a comfortable living off of pretending to be a nerd, thereby exploiting the insecurities of countless young people. On the other hand: Boobs. You can see the bind I’m in.


Look, I like animals. They have soft fur and their giant paw prints help me find my way around amusement parks and state fairs. But, like any civilized person, I hate PETA for their counterproductive measures that come off more like real-life trolling than actually trying to improve the living conditions of seriously mistreated animals. Thus, I’m always up for tossing a metaphorical rock at them and then hiding behind a dumpster. Unfortunately this story is coming from some right-wing rag and is stuffed with a painfully transparent amount of bias, but this site isn’t about parsing out political rhetoric. I don’t have the hair to pull an Edward Murrow on anybody. No, I’m just a humble man who writes a blog about death because he refuses to get a job that won’t allow him to wear a poncho every day. Where death goes, so goes this blog. So Block Quote, please pull me out of this rambling paragraph:

Documents published online this month show that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, an organization known for its uncompromising animal-rights positions, killed more than 95 percent of the pets in its care in 2011.

Fifteen years’ worth of similar records show that since 1998 PETA has killed more than 27,000 animals at its headquarters in Norfolk, VA.

In a February 16 statement, the Center said PETA killed 1,911 cats and dogs last year, finding homes for only 24 pets.

In fairness, most of those animals were sick or otherwise considered unadoptable. In a way, death was the best option for them. So, uh… all’s well that ends well, I guess!

There’s one thing we can all agree on, though: Nobody cares what happens to the sea lamprey. Man… fuck those guys.

Source: The Daily Caller

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02.18.12: Yellow Cedar Trees – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:49 am February 18, 2012

Look, tree deaths count as deaths. Deal.


Alright, I realize this story is kinda on the outer fringe of the premise here but I’m posting it mainly because I seriously didn’t believe Alaska was a real place. Up until twenty minutes ago I would’ve guessed it was where Puff the Magic Dragon was from or something. So people are actually living up there, spittin’ chaw  from their herped-out lips as they ride out on mooseback to the bi-monthly log cabin gangbang? Please at least tell me the National Guard has a 24-hour quarantine to keep those freaks from escaping. Give me something else to think about, Block Quote:

Climate warming is killing off yellow cedar. The mighty trees can live more than 1,000 years, resisting bugs and rot and even defending themselves against injury, but their shallow roots are vulnerable to freezing if soil is not insulated by snow. And for more than a century, with less snow on the ground, frozen roots have killed yellow cedar on nearly a half-million acres in southeast Alaska, plus another 123,000 acres in adjacent British Columbia.

Granted it’s pretty embarrassing that these trees are dying out because of global warming (in terms of bad-ass deaths, it’s basically the geological equivalent of accidentally swallowing a Bazooka Joe wrapper), but they still took way less shit than that Giving Tree pussy. The only thing a yellow cedar would let that mooching kid make out of his trunk is a coffin to shove his freeloading ass into.

Source: The News Tribune

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