Fun fact: The word ‘harambee’ is Swahili, and essentially means “to pull together in unity, as in a community.” If that makes you feel optimistic about the future of inter-species relations in the world, maybe stop reading here.
It’s another day in P.R. Hell for those giraffe-stranglers in the zoo industry, as a gorilla in the Cincinnati Zoo was put down in a successful effort to rescue a three-year-old boy who had jumped into the pen. Witnesses say Harambe, an endangered western lowland gorilla, actually seemed to be taking care of the child when it first entered. I mean, like, in a paternal sense, not in the way a loan shark “takes care” of gambling debts. It’s a surprisingly gentle response from Harambe, although that kid probably didn’t have much money anyway.
Harambe supposedly only became aggressive when he heard the screams from the crowd, prompting authorities to resort to gunning down the animal. So basically a mother ape let her ape kid jump into the ape house, then a bunch of other apes started howling and freaked out another ape, and then some other apes with guns killed that ape to save the ape kid, and now a whole bunch of internet apes are fighting about it. When you really break it down it kinda just looks like nature doing that whole “circle of life” thing its always going on about.
Officials made the decision to shoot Harambe because the boy was in “imminent danger.” They feared a tranquilizer would take too long to kick in, and the dart may have agitated the gorilla.
“There was nobody getting that baby back from that gorilla — no one was taking him,” [witness Tangi] Hollifield said.
The killing has prompted a debate on whether keepers had to kill Harambe. Some point to past cases at zoos where officials had managed to retrieve people from gorillas without harming the primates.
An online petition seeking “justice for Harambe” through criminal charges has earned more than 162,000 signatures.
Obviously, this is a tragedy all around. No reasonable person wants to see anyone or anything die, but this gorilla needed to be put down. In fact, just to be safe, all gorillas need to be put down. As this horrific incident reminds us, they pose a legitimate threat to humanity’s most precious resource: Bamboo shoots. Did you know that, if left unchecked, the gorilla population will completely eliminate all bamboo by the year 4000? My annual backyard luau is gonna be a laughingstock without those tiki torches. And how is the cybernetic lobster body I will have downloaded my consciousness into supposed to make my kaeng tai pla? It’s, like, the premiere curry dish of southern Thailand! These dumb gorillas can’t even appreciate the subtle intermingling of eggplant and minced saba fish guts, what with their unsophisticated monkey palates and all. It’s like Jungle Jack Hanna always says; Gorillas are practically nature’s primates.
Speaking of intellectually-deficit societies, has anyone considered that maybe that kid was looking for a mercy kill when he realized he lived in Cincinnati? It’s generally accepted that, if you’re not out of Ohio by the time you’re three, pretty much the highest you can aim for is to be mopping up vomit in the diary aisle of the Dayton Piggly Wiggly until your heart explodes in your studio apartment at the end of a pointless and unfulfilling life. At least the gorilla thing would be suitably metal. That’s the kinda death you’re gonna wanna live to tell your grandkids about.
Whelp, that’s another controversial topic successfully skirted by pretending to be an idiot. I really can’t believe nobody’s called me out on this shit yet. A toast to the all-concealing veil of yellow journalism, may it never be torn asunder!