It’s a well-documented fact that I can’t feel love. I had most of that part of my brain removed in the mid 90s to make room for more Sega Genesis codes. Then, a 15-year parade of heartaches violently and traumatically remove any lingering concept of tenderness that was still left in my psyche, and the very next day I started this blog. It’s kinda one of those stories Hollywood always likes to turn into movies.
But for those of you who still retain that magical sensation of your eyeballs getting warmer, or whatever love feels like, you may be sad to find out that soul singer and sonic aphrodisiac Percy Sledge has died. Aging women across the country are expected to lower their undergarments to half-mast as a sign of mourning. Sexy, sexy mourning.
Sledge is best known for his 1966 hit, “When a Man Loves a Woman,” a timeless ode to being a complete doormat for any woman who doesn’t make fun of your tooth gap. Maybe you never noticed the meaning tucked away in the verses, since after Michael Bolten covered the song in 1991 it’s been impossible to listen past the opening chorus. Serious aside: the Boltification of music is a real issue. That man could make Slayer sound like Sesame Street before we’d even know it, it’s like a superpower.
But anyway, look at this:
When a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime
Tryin’ to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comforts, sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way it ought to be
I guess someone must find that kind of sentiment romantic, but I prefer my love songs to be about two people exerting mathematically identical amounts of energies for each other’s benefit within controlled and agreed-upon parameters. Sure, that doesn’t always fit so well into a rhyme scheme, but if I know anything about people it’s that the first thing they listen for is logical executions of pragmatic concepts. If you don’t believe me, just check out what the critics had to say about that musical revue Ayn Rand and Commander Spock put on. Do pull quotes like “A sensible evening of emotion-related entertainment,” and “Ended at a reasonable time” mean anything to you?