This Day in Death

2.9.14: Marius the Giraffe – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:24 am February 10, 2014

Marius the giraffeI bet giraffes ask for handmade turtleneck sweaters for their birthdays a lot. It’s probably, like, their big joke.


Not to boast, but I’ve had a lot of hamsters and goldfish die on my watch over the years, which means I know a little bit about mortality in the animal world. So when Marius, a two-year-old giraffe in the Copenhagen Zoo, was deemed a ‘surplus’ animal and subsequently put down, my first thought was, “A giraffe… ? Oh! You must mean a long-necky turtlehorse.” But my second thought was, “Maybe this can serve as a step towards having a reasonable discussion about animal population control.” My third thought was about finding a loophole that would allow me to still qualify for the Toys “R” Us Birthday Club.

Unfortunately, it looks like any chance of that discussion happening can be promptly single-flushed due to the usual batch of chagrining protesters who get all death-threaty in defense of our most adorable animals.

Besides nearly 30,000 online signatures from those who did not want Marius killed, Copenhagen Zoo officials received death threats after they turned down adoption offers from other zoos, as well as a bid of 500,000 euros, or $682,000, from an individual who was willing to take Marius in.

So, since they turned down the money, protestors would have to accept that the decision wasn’t made out of greed, leaving the only remaining motivation they could attribute to the zoo to be… that they just really like killing giraffes. Like, in a borderline aphrodisiacal way. Look, if you wanna protest zoos on principle, fair enough. In fact, I support protesting anything that requires me to go through a turnstile to enter it. That’s how the government tracks you, you know. Plus, I have a very sensitive pelvic region. But this just seems like a particularly public instance of the kind of goosed population control that becomes necessary in a world that’s been thoroughly beaten into submission by the whims of human convenience.

It seems like the biggest boner here was the decision to perform the autopsy publicly, thereby resulting in a bunch of kids watching a giraffe’s ribcage get split open like a fuzzy walnut. It just comes off kinda dickish when you’re already trying to quell a public relations nightmare, but these zoologists don’t think like you and I do. I mean, who can dissect an animal they’ve already named? You’ve gotta be unbelievably left-brained to kill something you’ve ascribed a personality to. That’s why I’ve simply had to learn to coexist with Papa Stingmeister and the rest of the hornet’s nest that sprung up in my living room last year. We have our differences, but I’d be lying if I said I won’t be sad when they move out.

Also, they should’ve let Marius live long enough to grow to his full size. Besides it providing more meat, you just know those lions are gonna omit the part about it not being full-grown when they’re bragging to their friends about how they just ate “literally a whole giraffe.” Yeah, that’s technically true, lions, but you know it doesn’t really count like that.

Source: The NY Times

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