This Day in Death

6.4.14: Don Zimmer – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 11:28 pm June 7, 2014

DON_ZIMMERYou’d better hope that if you Google “Don Zimmer + 3rd Base” you only get back sports-related results.


I don’t do a lot of sports posts around here. When you’ve lost as many loved ones to jock itch as I have, it just takes all of the comedy out of athleticism. Seriously, parents: Talk to your kids about not sharing towels.

But despite that, we’re gonna go ahead and do this Don Zimmer post. Why? Because baseball is America’s pastime, along with co-ed toga parties and putting desserts inside of other desserts. Read your Constitution, you heathens, it’s all in there.

Zimmer, nicknamed “Popeye” (which was probably the “Diddy” of the 50s), remained a figure in professional baseball right up until his death, marking an amazing 66-year career in the game. Let me try and put that into a context we can all relate to: In that same span of time Tolstoy’s landmark work of realist fiction Anna Karenina could’ve been reprinted in its original serialized format sixteen and a half times over. Of course, I don’t have to tell you that’s a prospect the Russian Orthodox Church most certainly wouldn’t be too excited about, considering their harsh criticisms of the man whom they believed helped the Bolsheviks rise to power during the Russian Revolution of 1917. Wow. I guess sports are pretty interesting. You know what? I’m gonna apply for that job at ESPN after all.

 “He was a great, fiery ambassador for the game,” said Zimmer’s former Dodgers teammate Roger Craig, who also hired him as a coach when he managed the Padres and Giants. “That’s why he worked for so many teams and with so many good baseball people. He loved the races and he loved baseball. He was a great human being.”

Also, if you say his name the way it appears in a phone book, it sounds like a Rastafarian telling someone to “simmer down.”

Source: The Chicago Tribune

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7.2.13: Douglas Engelbart, Inventor of the Computer Mouse – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:30 am July 8, 2013

DOUGLAS_ENGELBARTFinally a clit that gamers can actually find, am I right?! Don’t leave me hanging, brosef!


In the 1960s, computing visionary Douglas Engelbart and his (presumably bespectacled) peers had a dream. A dream that one day moms across the country would accidentally give their social security numbers to a banner ad disguised as a flash game where you swat anthropomorphized flies with a cartoon newspaper. A dream that locally-stored pornographic content could be easily accessed without having to tab around like a goddamn mongoloid. Lo was born the computer mouse, forever replacing the archaic technology of poking a nerd with a stick and telling him to “do computer stuff.” People make fun of them now, but in 1982 if your new Commodore 64 came with a nerdstick you were the coolest kid in the neighborhood.

Englebart had said that he did not, however, come up with the name “mouse.” When asked in an interview with Stanford about the name in December 1986, Engelbart said, “No one can remember [who came up with the name]. In the lab, the very first one we built had the cord coming out the back. It wasn’t long before we realized that it would get in the way, and then we changed it to the front. But when it was trailing out the back like that, sitting there, just its funny little shape.”

Additionally, Wikipedia points out that “mouse” is *not* an acronym for “Manually Operated User Selection Equipment,” as is sometimes claimed. It should be pretty obvious that that’s just another one of those instances where someone’s tried to reverse engineer the name into an acrostic that seems more meaningful, like S.H.I.E.L.D., or cinematic classic F.A.R.T.: The Movie. I’d also like to take this opportunity to dispel the hurtful rumors that my name is actually an acronym for “Jews are mighty evil, Sam.” It’s totally out of line, I don’t even know anybody named Sam!

Source: ABC News

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2.25.13: Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:25 pm February 27, 2013

C_EVERETT_KOOPWait, that’s not the Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper guy. That’s it; Starting tomorrow, I read the *entire* headline every time, no exceptions.

C. Everett Koop, former Surgeon General/owl-themed Bond villain, died this week after a recent bout of kidney failure. King Koopa (it is absolutely not too late to start calling him that) had a reputation for bucking his own personal beliefs in the interest of public health, such as when he forced a public discussion of the under-reported AIDS epidemic during the 1980s. For his trouble, Koop got accused by the religious right of pushing a “gay agenda.” For not wanting gay people to all just quietly die in a pit somewhere, I guess. Was that whole decade just a post-apocalyptic dystopia of old white men in shadowy rooms rubbing their hands together and coming up with new ways to be total dicks to everybody? Because the evidence really seems to be mounting. I mean, sure, the way VH1 Classic tells it, it was ten uninterrupted years of Hall & Oates music videos, but that’s the cable propaganda machine for you.

In February 1982, Koop released a scathing report on smoking, proclaiming it “the most important public health issue of our time.” He cited the health risks of smoking and called for the U.S. to become a “smoke-free nation.”

He followed up in 1988 with the landmark report “The Health Consequences of Smoking-Nicotine Addiction,” which equated nicotine addiction with addiction to cocaine and heroin. The report cited the links between smoking and a variety of cancers, highlighted the dangers of second-hand smoke to the non-smoker and called for warning labels on tobacco packages.

Calling out the dangers of smoking was a controversial move, and is largely believed to have cost then-candidate George H.W. Bush the ‘1950s Greasers in White T-Shirts and Leather Jackets’ vote. You wouldn’t think those guys would be following politics so closely, but if you’d ever seen them caucus you’d know their official stance on political ignorance is a firm “sit on it.”


Source: The LA Times

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2.18.13: Lakers’ Owner Jerry Buss – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:10 am February 21, 2013

JERRY_BUSSPictured: Cocaine.


As I’ve tried to make clear to you guys on numerous occasions, I don’t do a lot of sports posts around here. Sorry, but if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys in matching uniforms march around in front of mindlessly adoring crowds I can Netflix Schindler’s List. But maybe that’s your thing; Sports/Nazism. Hey, I’m not here to judge. My function is merely to unfairly frame things so that others may more easily judge in the future. It’s noble, sure, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself a ‘hero,’ per se.

Anyway, if you really insist on talking about someone other than me, here’s a little something about Lakers’ owner Jerry Buss dying. Hey, did you know that Jay-Z owns barely a tenth of a percent of the Nets, even though he acts like he’s purchased the entire borough of Brooklyn? Basically, if Jay-Z’s money wasn’t involved with the Nets then Andray Blatche might have to switch to a slightly less absorbent sweatband.

The death of the Lakers’ owner Jerry Buss Monday at age 80 brought out all the usual remembrances, which included the proper credit for creating the Lakers phenomenon out of almost nothing, for spawning much of what we recognize as the modern N.B.A. out of so much magic dust. The tales of the man behind all that, though, were so colorful and so unlikely, it is worth taking a second to realize that if Jerry Buss had not been real, Hollywood would have had to make him up.

Look, you can dress it up all you want, but I still think it’s silly that they based an entire sport off of a Will Ferrell movie. If that’s gonna be the template I’d much rather they make a phoney sport out of that one he did about the rednecks who drive around in circles for no good reason and wear jumpsuits with corporate logos all over them like a bunch of shameless goddamn whores. Man, that shit would be hilarious to watch in real life!


Source: The New York Times

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2.29.12: Comic Book Artist Sheldon Moldoff – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:51 am March 15, 2012

I can recite entire lines of dialogue from this story, yet have no idea who my congressman is. I’m gonna classify that as a wash.


Sheldon Moldoff died of kidney failure late last month but I didn’t hear about it until now because apparently 91-year-old comic book artists aren’t quite front page news right now. At least not ones who worked on Hawkman. Poor Hawkman.

Mr. Moldoff drew covers for the first appearances of the characters Flash and Green Lantern in 1940 and some of the earliest renderings of Hawkman. He also contributed to the first issue of Action Comics, in which Superman was introduced (though he did not draw the Man of Steel).

Moldoff is actually the last surviving artist who worked on said issue of Action Comics, which is pretty much considered the most important comic book ever printed and the origin of the superhero genre, establishing the template for 70-plus years of the medium and its influence on pop culture. So, if you were trying to discover the root of why I don’t have a girlfriend, that’s about as exact as you’re gonna get.


Source: The New York Times

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02.26.12: Ian Abercrombie (Seinfeld’s Mr. Pitt) – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:06 am February 26, 2012

“So what picture should I use for the post aboutOH SHIT YES!” -Me, five minutes ago.


Wow. It is not a good year to be the boss of a Seinfeld character. First the threat of amputation drove Daniel Von Bargen to an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and now kidney failure has taken Mr. Pitt himself, Ian Abercrombie, at the tender age of 77. Sleep with one eye open, J. Patrick McCormack!

It must suck to be an actor who’s most well-known role is that of a completely unlikable manchild like Mr. Pitt. Thankfully most people know me best from my turn as Rizzo, the beloved leader of the Pink Ladies, in my high school’s production of Grease. A lot of people said that a boy shouldn’t have been cast in the role to begin with, but when that curtain rose my angelic falsetto and baby-smooth gams made those parents’ groups look foolish.

Source: iVillage

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