This Day in Death

2.13.16: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:33 pm February 15, 2016
Politics aside, I simply won’t trust a man who wears a hat he clearly stole from a French philosophy student.


Big news in the law world (which is still Earth, I guess), as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has passed away over the weekend. Let’s get the minimum required amount of backstory out of the way, Block Quote!

In 1986, after Chief Justice Warren Burger announced his intention to retire, Mr. Reagan nominated Judge Scalia to the Supreme Court. Though his conservative views were well known, he was confirmed by the Senate by a vote of 98 to 0.

By the way, “conservative” pretty much means “Christian” in these contexts. That coded language is annoying, just say Christian. It’s kinda like when someone says “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual” when they’re actually trying to say “I’m just lazy.”

For a lot of Americans, Scalia’s most infamous moment was tipping the scales in favor of George W. Bush during the code red clusterfucking that was the 2000 election. Scalia halted a recount in Florida and, for the fourth goddamn time, a candidate won the popular vote but lost the election due to trailing in electoral votes. The controversy led to many citizens calling to do away with the electoral college altogether, a cause they doggedly pursued for a solid 6 weeks until new episodes of Will & Grace started airing again. In their defense, that Debra Messing is a treasure.

Obviously, the death of a Supreme Court Justice is a big deal, and will inevitably lead to a lot of heated emotions and complex discussion. Most of that discussion, of course, will be about the Court itself. Not as a judicial body, but rather the physical court. Just look at this snorefest:

SUPREME_COURT[via Bloomberg]

I know I’m supposed to stay impartial, but this is the sorriest thing I’ve ever seen. Ionic pilasters? Are you shitting me? I literally just threw up in my mouth, it’s disgusting. This is America, if you can’t spring for Corinthian capitals you might as well go back to deadlifting lintels onto trabeated systems in Croatia like an animal. And what’s with the two morose flags that appear to be on suicide watch? Shameful. Every surface should be flag, and every flag as proud and erect as a peacock’s spinal column. We’re talking about a Supreme Court, not some trailer trash appellate noise. Judge Joe Brown wouldn’t even air out his dirty robes in this place, and that guy got his law degree from one of those county fair games where you throw a ring around a water jug.

No, a truly Supreme Court should look like the second act of Total Recall mated with a Rubic’s Cube: Just an unrelenting visual assault of lights and colors and hydraulic arms and a mess of hanging tubes carrying unspecified glowing liquids to undisclosed locations for purposes that will never be made clear. Also, the bench should be a minimum of 20 feet above the ground, both to emphasize the Justices’ superior standing and to ensure visibility of the bald spots of anyone on the floor. I just don’t like people thinking they can Friar Tuck that mess without the world finding out.

And just to keep the mood light, how about if every session opens with the Justices banging their gavels to the drum solo from “In the Air Tonight”? Oh! And maybe a jumbotron to replay especially sick injunctions with cool 3D animations that speak to my youthful sensibilities. Basically anything to make the room feel more like a bowling alley in 1993 would be pretty sharp.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “James, you’re clearly a visionary for troubled times, but who’s gonna pay for all of this bombastery?” Well, for starters, I’m almost certain that’s not a real word. Secondly, don’t you worry, because a few tasteful sponsored LED banners should go a long way towards footing the bill. But before you start moaning about integrity and ethics understand that I’m talking really classy stuff, like, “Declare a writ of habeas delicious with Mountain Dew’s new Energizing Midnight Grape Kickstart!” Or has anyone considered renaming it the Taco Bell Taco Supreme Court? I’ve really been coming up with a lot of good ideas since I started wearing this “Make America Great Again” hat.


Source: The NY Times

Tags: , ,

2.1.13: Former New York Mayor Ed Koch – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:40 am February 4, 2013

ED_KOCHDid you know you can purchase your own grave before you die? It all but negates the need to fake your own death to secure a good spot, making my recent actions look kinda foolish. I should really call my mom and bring her up to speed about the whole thing one of these days.


Alright, well, Ed Koch is dead, but I’m gonna turn this over to the Times. So let’s all grit our teeth and try not to roll our eyes while they turn this into an insufferable stroke-job for New York.

Edward I. Koch, the master showman of City Hall, who parlayed shrewd political instincts and plenty of chutzpah into three tumultuous terms as mayor of New York with all the tenacity, zest and combativeness that personified his city of golden dreams, died Friday morning at age 88.

Liiiiittle more, please…

But out among the people or facing a news media circus in the Blue Room at City Hall, he was a feisty, slippery egoist who could not be pinned down by questioners and who could outtalk anybody in the authentic voice of New York: as opinionated as a Flatbush cabby, as loud as the scrums on 42nd Street, as pugnacious as a West Side reform Democrat mother.

Mmmmm yeah, that’s the stuff. New York City: Where even the obituaries are relentlessly self-important. I hear reporters at the Times are paid in airtight jars of their own farts.

Anyway, at several points in his career, Koch’s political opponents attempted to damage his reputation by spreading speculation that he might be gay, because apparently that’s a thing that matters somehow. I’m not really sure how that’s even a smear campaign, gay people probably make solid political leaders. They have such a great sense of community, always rehabbing shitty studio apartments and walking around holding hands with each other to make sure nobody gets lost. I guess that just means homosexuals tend to have a poor sense of direction, but that’s hardly a reason to keep them out of office. They’re not mayoring the Appalachian Trail, motherfuckers, vote ’em in.

Source: The New York Times

Tags: , , , ,

12.19.12: Rejected Supreme Court Nominee Robert Bork – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:58 pm December 26, 2012

ROBERT_BORK164527306Robert Bork was, of course, named by the Swedish Chef. And that’s what happens when I hold onto a joke I found funny 20 years ago.

Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork is dead today, and I’d like to say that I’m late reporting it because I’ve been busy feeding the hungry this holiday season but the truth is a lot less altruistic and a lot more Airwolf marathony. *cough*… Moving on.

Bork has become notable for being the rare example of a Presidential Supreme Court nomination being rejected when, in 1987, the Senate voiced concerns that his conservative personal views would overtly color his judicial decisions. It’s pretty similar to that time I was totally next in line to be promoted to shift manager at Panera Bread, but then that bitch Jenny had to go and tell Mr. Spinoza that I was pocketing quarters from the til. She just wants to destroy me because she’s jealous, that’s all!

It is rare for the Senate in its constitutional “advice and consent” role to turn down a president’s Supreme Court nominee, and rarer still for that rejection to be based not on qualifications but on judicial philosophy and temperament. That turned Judge Bork’s defeat into a watershed event and his name into a verb: getting “borked” is what happens to a nominee rejected for what supporters consider political motives.

The success of the anti-Bork campaign is widely seen to have shifted the tone and emphasis of Supreme Court nominations since then, giving them an often strong political cast and making it hard, many argue, for a nominee with firmly held views ever to be confirmed.

Call me a filthy centrist (“filthy centrist” being one of the more challenging sexual positions I suggest you futilely try before giving up on your obviously loveless marriage, by the way), but that kind of political divisiveness can’t be good for a country. It’s time we get back to the core principles this country was founded on: Wearing hats with buckles on them and alienating black people. Or just do whatever the hell you want. What do I care, it’s not like I can even vote. I’ve been living under an assumed name for the past eight years. James O. may owe 30 grand to various bookies and brothel owners, but Juan Alvarado Sanchez is little more than a dirty pair of Wranglers and a bitchin’ fake mustache.

Source: The New York Times

Tags: , , , ,