This Day in Death

1.9.13: Balcony Lap Dancer – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:18 am January 11, 2013

CHRISTIES_CABARETCome to Christie’s Cabaret, where drug lords meet to discuss murder plots in movies about dystopian futures!

 

I don’t know much about these things because I’m usually tied up with my Christian praise band on the weekends, but apparently a ‘strip club’ is a place where a group of gentlemen can go to become sexually aroused and then try to withhold release. It’s sorta like a game of Ejaculate Chicken, except that nobody wins. Nobody ever, ever wins.

After spending a week in critical condition at the MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland, exotic dancer Lauren Block succumbed to injuries she sustained after hitting her head in a 15-foot fall from a strip club balcony.

You know what would prevent tragedies like this in the future? Suicide nets. I mean, it could kill that legendary hopeful ambiance that strip clubs are known for, but when those girls finally get that Associate’s Degree in General Studies they’ll thank me.

Alright, look; I’m not gonna make fun of a young woman who was simply trying to do the best job she could. If the stockboys at Target cared half as much as she did about putting her customers at ease then maybe I wouldn’t feel awkward asking them if there’s such a thing as gluten-free Preparation H. I have… highly-specific problems.

At any rate, the cockblockers at OSHA are planning an investigation into the club’s safety measures, or at least that’s the excuse they’ll be using for spending two weeks at a strip club. I can’t really blame them; It’s Cleveland. Your entertainment options are pretty limited. It’s basically go to a strip club, take a crystal meth cooking class, or visit the Krispy Kreme that Drew Carey grew up in. It’s like Disneyland for people who want to kill themselves but just need a little more convincing.



Source: Gawker

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03.08.12: Austin, Texas Street Transvestite Leslie Cochran – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:17 pm March 8, 2012

“Fine, Leslie. You can wear the pastel halter top with matching thong, but I’m putting on the Superman cape and neon orange mukluks. I swear, we go through this shit every Sunday before church.”

 

Austin, Texas weirdo/transvestite/frequent hobo Leslie Cochran is dead, leaving behind only Soy Bomb and Crispin Glover to carry on the proud legacy of being pointlessly weird and getting rewarded for it. Sorry, I’m just bitter because that was my major in college and it’s done jack all for me.

Hey, All Ablog Austin, why don’t you take a moment out of your busy schedule of having a name that doesn’t make any fucking sense and give me a block quote?

Mayor Lee Leffingwell was expected to proclaim Thursday and every March 8 forward Leslie Day in Austin. Friends and fans planned to gather at City Hall at 6 p.m. and parade to Sixth Street beginning at 7:30. Romness encouraged attendees to wear boas and tiaras.

When reached for comment, Leffingwell added, “Because we have absolutely nothing else to do here. Seriously, my ‘desk’ is just a mini-fridge full of PBR. I’m pretty sure this whole town runs on some sort of gypsy curse because I haven’t signed a piece of paperwork in years.”

 

Source: All Ablog Austin

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