Oh hey there, Wranglin’ Cowboy Monkey! It seems like only yesterday that I clumsily Photoshopped you into existence. Sorry about that. This must be how God felt after making the sea lamprey. Go away, sea lamprey. We don’t want what you’re selling.
There’s nothing wrong with a good hoax. From “War of the Worlds” to the Cottingley Fairies to the guy who keeps telling me that this is HIS apartment and that he’s totally gonna call the cops if I keep breaking in, hoaxes trigger our brains’ H-zone receptors and help in the production of vital amino acids, according to a sentence in this paragraph.
But the emphasis there is “good” hoax. The idea of simply posting that a celebrity has died and then waiting to be effortlessly debunked in the information age is positively Blues Cluesian in its shortsightedness. What’s the goal there, aside from fucking up the whole “living obituary” system I’ve got going here?
That’s why it’s all the more baffling to me that there’s been a recent rash of dead celebrity hoaxes (or hoaxi, if you’re okay with just making words right the fuck up). And so, as the internet’s leading postmortem custodian, allow me to take a minute to throw down some sawdust and mop up the vomit Twitter and Facebook have unceremoniously spewed upon my sacred hallways.
Bill Cosby - Okay, I think this one was just a preemptive effort. Last I checked, Cosby is about a hundred thousand years old and has slowly transformed his body into a round, blob-like consistency, which I can’t imagine is the best way to keep your vital signs up. Unless replacing Cosby’s cellular structure with Jell-O is all part of some exciting new viral marketing campaign from the psychopaths at Kraft, it’s not hard to believe he’d be gone. But no, he’s still around, wearing awesome sweaters and only saying shit in public if it requires him giving ≤ 0 fucks.
UPDATE: Or it was just some dong.)
Rhianna - I dunno, man. Maybe it has something to do with just being awful in general. Or maybe it was just retaliation after we as a society developed the collective Pavlovian response of laughter every time that clip from “Battleship” is on tv and Rhianna tries to look hardcore while saying “boom” as if it’s this generation’s “I’ll be back.”
Eddie Murphy - This one was supposedly the result of a snowboarding accident. I can only assume it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously to begin with because I’m pretty sure no black person has ever gone skiing. Also, why do white people all talk funny? Ha! I’m saying what we’re all thinking!
Bill Nye - This was probably blowback for Nye posting a video begging parents who believe in creationism not to force it onto their kids. Urhm… that, uh… that doesn’t tend to go over too well with the folks you’re directing it at, Nye. Valiant effort, but maybe next time try to aim a little lower. Maybe just see if you can get them to take off those Truck Nutz first.
Source: USA Today. Also, Facebook and Twitter and Gossip Cop and the LA Times and practically every other goddamn site on the internet. See, this is why I mainly stick to pornography and flash games based on 80s sitcoms.