This Day in Death

7.11.15: Nintendo Chief Executive Satoru Iwata – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 1:11 pm July 17, 2015

SATORU_IWATAIwata with Luigi, probably snickering about how Birdo turned out to be transgendered. That kind of gossip isn’t cool anymore, you guys. No H8!

 

Satoru Iwata, Chief Executive for Nintendo, has passed away due to a bile duct growth. Doctors described it as being “totally gross,” and claimed the growth made them “barf like a million times.” Kind of an inappropriate response coming from medical professionals but it’s not like we weren’t all wondering anyway.

Known for pushing back against complicated and expensive video games, Mr. Iwata quipped at a 2006 conference that had Tetris been introduced then, it would have required better graphics and a film deal to be feasible. In the same speech, Mr. Iwata gave a sort of coda on his views on gaming: “Video games are meant to be just one thing. Fun. Fun for everyone.”

If you’re under the age of 30, then first of all I highly suggest you begin a regimen of bottling your sparkling, youthful blood and other bodily fluids for future preservation. They are full of sacred minerals that may hold the secret to longevity and eternal sexual potency. But also, you may not be aware that Nintendo, perennial bronze-taker in the video game wars, used to be a juggernaut of the industry. It’s true! Back in the 90s, there were two major systems duking it out for your Josta-soaked dollar, and whichever side you fell on told the entire neighborhood what kind of kid you were. Your parents either got you a Nintendo Entertainment System, or they got you a shoebox with a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog drawn on the inside. Oh yes, I admit I spent many a solitary Friday night staring at that idiot box, dreaming of me and my best/only buddy Sonic getting to that next exciting level… Or any level, I guess. Really, witnessing any kind of movement at all would’ve been amazing. In retrospect it seems like a pretty crude system, but that’s just the way technology makes things look obsolete with time.



Source: NY Times

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7.27.12: Don Perry, Chick-fil-A Vice President of PR – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:18 am July 30, 2012

Perry’s final words were something about how Arby’s Corporate Communications VP John Gray was “a little skunk-dicked bitch.” Dude really took his work home with him, I guess.



Between publicizing their controversial stance on gay marriage, losing their Muppet endorsement (Fozzy is into some shit that can generously be described as “anti-Christian”), lying about said lost endorsement and allegedly creating fake Facebook accounts to defend themselves, few companies can claim to be having the kind of banner year that Chick-fil-A has been experiencing. That banner, of course, reads “throw a lawn dart at my scrotum.”

And now their Public Relations VP, Don Perry, has just up and died. Look, here’s the thing: We don’t get into politics or religion here at the TDiD for the simple reason that the things you, the public, say and believe are totally stupid. If you knew the first thing about anything you wouldn’t have dropped out of community college, you wouldn’t have gotten a calve tattoo of a character from a movie, you wouldn’t refer to baseball caps as “lids,” and you damn sure wouldn’t be reading this dodgy blog.

But, despite all of that, and despite my unwillingness to court easy hits by attacking a company that everyone else is already pigpiling onto for doing the kind of ugly shit that most other companies do every day, it has to be said: Have you Chick-fil-A guys entertained the notion that God maybe thinks you’re kinda dicks? It might not even be the gay thing. Maybe it’s the goofy name that defies all laws of grammar and syntax. Or maybe it’s the creepy way that all of your employees say “my pleasure” every time they do something for you, like some kind of dead-eyed Ned Flanders cabal. Point is, this isn’t normal. The solution will either be a lot of soul-searching and hard work, or, and this is just my personal preference here, petty appeasement to the whims of the id-driven masses. For instance, with Perry gone, you’ll need a new spokesperson. How about hiring a sexy young red-head like Wendy’s did? I swear, that firecracker could dump a vial of anthrax into my Berry Almond Chicken Salad right in front of me and I’d still beg for her number. Hell, if anything that would make me *more* inclined to hit on her. I like ’em feisty.



Source: CBS News

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