This Day in Death

2.9.14: Marius the Giraffe – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:24 am February 10, 2014

Marius the giraffeI bet giraffes ask for handmade turtleneck sweaters for their birthdays a lot. It’s probably, like, their big joke.


Not to boast, but I’ve had a lot of hamsters and goldfish die on my watch over the years, which means I know a little bit about mortality in the animal world. So when Marius, a two-year-old giraffe in the Copenhagen Zoo, was deemed a ‘surplus’ animal and subsequently put down, my first thought was, “A giraffe… ? Oh! You must mean a long-necky turtlehorse.” But my second thought was, “Maybe this can serve as a step towards having a reasonable discussion about animal population control.” My third thought was about finding a loophole that would allow me to still qualify for the Toys “R” Us Birthday Club.

Unfortunately, it looks like any chance of that discussion happening can be promptly single-flushed due to the usual batch of chagrining protesters who get all death-threaty in defense of our most adorable animals.

Besides nearly 30,000 online signatures from those who did not want Marius killed, Copenhagen Zoo officials received death threats after they turned down adoption offers from other zoos, as well as a bid of 500,000 euros, or $682,000, from an individual who was willing to take Marius in.

So, since they turned down the money, protestors would have to accept that the decision wasn’t made out of greed, leaving the only remaining motivation they could attribute to the zoo to be… that they just really like killing giraffes. Like, in a borderline aphrodisiacal way. Look, if you wanna protest zoos on principle, fair enough. In fact, I support protesting anything that requires me to go through a turnstile to enter it. That’s how the government tracks you, you know. Plus, I have a very sensitive pelvic region. But this just seems like a particularly public instance of the kind of goosed population control that becomes necessary in a world that’s been thoroughly beaten into submission by the whims of human convenience.

It seems like the biggest boner here was the decision to perform the autopsy publicly, thereby resulting in a bunch of kids watching a giraffe’s ribcage get split open like a fuzzy walnut. It just comes off kinda dickish when you’re already trying to quell a public relations nightmare, but these zoologists don’t think like you and I do. I mean, who can dissect an animal they’ve already named? You’ve gotta be unbelievably left-brained to kill something you’ve ascribed a personality to. That’s why I’ve simply had to learn to coexist with Papa Stingmeister and the rest of the hornet’s nest that sprung up in my living room last year. We have our differences, but I’d be lying if I said I won’t be sad when they move out.

Also, they should’ve let Marius live long enough to grow to his full size. Besides it providing more meat, you just know those lions are gonna omit the part about it not being full-grown when they’re bragging to their friends about how they just ate “literally a whole giraffe.” Yeah, that’s technically true, lions, but you know it doesn’t really count like that.

Source: The NY Times

Tags: , , ,

3.13.12: Three Television Horses – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:49 am March 17, 2012

Nobody’s proud of this.


In the wake of a horse being injured on set, HBO has ended production of Luck, a show which must only be viewable to those who successfully solve a series of ancient television riddles because this is the first I’ve heard of it. The horse suffered a head injury and was subsequently euthanized.

The American Humane Association and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had called for an inquiry into “Luck” after a horse flipped and struck its head on Tuesday and was euthanized at the determination of an veterinarian.

So all PETA did was call for an inquiry? You mean to tell me their involvement didn’t necessitate dumping buckets of baby blood on exhumed corpses or mailing eyeballs to the president or some other pointless nonsense? You’ve changed, PETA. It used to be about the half-assed shock tactics.

Alright, back on track: I admit this is sad, but it was just one horse. Is that really enough to shut down an entire tv show? It’s like the old Chinese proverb: “Sometimes you murder a horse.” It becomes truer every year.


Two horses were also euthanized during the production of the first season of “Luck.”

Wait, so this was the third horse to die on set? Yeesh. Okay. Uh. Well, what do you expect from a long-running show like this? Hell, I bet The Simpsons has killed hundreds of horses, and that shit is animated.


The show survived it’s [sic, because I’m pedantic] season 1 run but was cancelled in the last two shows, cancelling season 2.

It didn’t even make it to two seasons without three dead horses?! Are you shitting me!? Has anybody ever even seen this show? Are we positive it even existed? I’m starting to think this whole production was just an elaborate scam to avoid paying taxes on running a glue factory. It happens all the time. You don’t wanna know why they really made Roots.


Sources: The New York Times and Z6Mag

Tags: , , , , , ,

02.24.12: Most of the Animals PETA is Responsible For – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:59 pm February 24, 2012

On the one hand I hate that Olivia Munn endorses PETA, and also that she’s made a comfortable living off of pretending to be a nerd, thereby exploiting the insecurities of countless young people. On the other hand: Boobs. You can see the bind I’m in.


Look, I like animals. They have soft fur and their giant paw prints help me find my way around amusement parks and state fairs. But, like any civilized person, I hate PETA for their counterproductive measures that come off more like real-life trolling than actually trying to improve the living conditions of seriously mistreated animals. Thus, I’m always up for tossing a metaphorical rock at them and then hiding behind a dumpster. Unfortunately this story is coming from some right-wing rag and is stuffed with a painfully transparent amount of bias, but this site isn’t about parsing out political rhetoric. I don’t have the hair to pull an Edward Murrow on anybody. No, I’m just a humble man who writes a blog about death because he refuses to get a job that won’t allow him to wear a poncho every day. Where death goes, so goes this blog. So Block Quote, please pull me out of this rambling paragraph:

Documents published online this month show that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, an organization known for its uncompromising animal-rights positions, killed more than 95 percent of the pets in its care in 2011.

Fifteen years’ worth of similar records show that since 1998 PETA has killed more than 27,000 animals at its headquarters in Norfolk, VA.

In a February 16 statement, the Center said PETA killed 1,911 cats and dogs last year, finding homes for only 24 pets.

In fairness, most of those animals were sick or otherwise considered unadoptable. In a way, death was the best option for them. So, uh… all’s well that ends well, I guess!

There’s one thing we can all agree on, though: Nobody cares what happens to the sea lamprey. Man… fuck those guys.

Source: The Daily Caller

Tags: , , ,