This Day in Death

12.3.15: Scott Weiland – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:25 pm December 5, 2015

SCOTT_WEILANDWeiland, seen here performing for what I have to assume is a crowd made up of 50% Hell’s Angels and 50% sassy airline stewards. You gotta know your audience, I always say.


Musician Scott Weiland, best known as frontman for 90s bar trivia answer Stone Temple Pilots, was found dead in his tour bus on Thursday. No official cause of death has been released, but cocaine was found on the scene and Weiland’s struggles with addiction were widely-known. Of course, there’s nothing funny about addiction, at least not with the current slate of drugs that are available. Maybe if someone invented one that gradually made you look like a circus clown, or made you pass gas super loud during fancy dinner parties. Let the world have a laugh already, black market pharmacology!

The Stone Temple Pilots came on the scene at the height of the grunge movement, releasing its first album, “Core,” in 1992. Critics were unkind, accusing them of being poseurs riding the coattails of Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

But it didn’t matter. “Core” and its 1994 follow-up, “Purple,” sold more than 10 million copies. STP won a Grammy in 1994 for the song “Plush” and had monster hits with “Vasoline” and “Interstate Love Song.”

After being ousted from STP, Weiland joined Velvet Revolver, a rock outfit made up of former members of Guns N’ Roses who were sick of Axl Rose’s bullshit and yearned to get back to focusing on music by signing on with a slightly different flavor of hopelessly abusive frontman. It’d be like divorcing Ike Turner to go marry Chris Brown. Eventually you start to wonder how likely it is that Slash, Duff McKagan, Matt Sorum, and Dave Kushner really all fell down a staircase at the same time.

It’s weird seeing the 90s grunge guys like Weiland start dying, though. It seemed like we totally skipped over a huge wave of 80s musician deaths. The only thing that really comes to mind is the time that all the members of Survivor died from asphyxiation while doing their hair in an unventilated building. I know it’s a tragedy, but they were tempting fate with that name to begin with.


Source: CNN

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2.2.13: Philip Seymour Hoffman – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:28 am February 3, 2014

PHILIP_SEYMOUR_HOFFMANSigh. Someday I’ll win a real award, too. Until then, stealing spelling bee participation ribbons from fourth-graders will just have to do.


Philip Seymour Hoffman, considered one of the most talented actors of his generation, was found dead in his apartment yesterday after a suspected drug overdose.

Hoffman was a legit actor whose presence had an actual, measurable effect on the quality of the final product, and that’s entirely too rare. It’s downright bizarre how much credit and attention we give to actors considering how little they tend to contribute to Hollywood films beyond name recognition and Us Weekly Smoochability ratings. Excluding your Michael Caines and your Meryl Streepses and your Daniel Day-Lewi, most actors are pretty much just expected to not fall asleep on camera and they’re rewarded with riches on par with gifts brought to Egyptian gods. There are dozens of people who put more sweat and blood into any given production than your stars ever will; there are screenwriters to write the dialogue, directors to explain how to deliver it, and cue cards stapled to some poor stagehand’s face if Jennifer Aniston is too consumed with her acai berry cleanse to bother learning her lines. Costume, make-up, lighting, and audio departments take care of the rest on set. Editors will cut it together. Marketing will find a way to convince the public that they haven’t already seen this same claptrap a thousand times before. And, hell, you can probably just tie an actor’s torso to a wooden stake like you’re trying to keep a tomato plant from sagging if they can’t even grasp that “don’t fall asleep” thing. If Megan Fox somehow becomes self-aware and decides she can no longer in good conscience appear in a movie about ninja turtles from outer space, positively none of the film’s already-shaky integrity is compromised. Michael Bay just cracks open the clamshell packing on another Blandly Attractive Lady, plugs her into the circuit board, America collectively eats another Choco Taco for lunch, and exactly nothing changes.

But, uh, yeah. Hoffman kept it proper.

[…] he won in the best actor category for “Capote” (2005). As the eccentrically sociable, brilliantly probing and unflappably gay author of “In Cold Blood,“ Mr. Hoffman flawlessly affected the real-life Truman Capote’s distinctly nasal, high-pitched voice and the naturally fey drama of his presence. Writing in The Times, A. O. Scott described the film as being about a writer’s relationship with his work.

Well, it’s time to do what we always do when I’m too squeamish to make fun of a respected figure who died tragically; make fun of celebrities who barely understand computers *or* grammar by checking out some insincere tweets:


Jim Carrey and the Pure Moods album cover he inexplicably uses as his avatar start things out on a pretty classy note, actually. Then he realizes he’s gone 11 words without referencing himself and proceeds to throw some vague existential tortured artist bullshit out there to make sure people realize that he only did Mr. Popper’s Penguins to draw attention to the very real threat of interspecies choreography mishaps. He wraps everything up with an emoticon of… I’m guessing a snooty French waiter with a stye in his right eye.


I have no idea why Whoopi Goldberg thinks that putting dashes between words turns them into links, but it’s kinda adorable. Still, nobody hits random keys with less linguistic cohesion than Cher:


Holy God, Cher. What alien language am I even looking at? How does a person survive the kind of seismic muscle spasm that produced this gibberish without severe nerve damage? This one has the works; sentence fragments! Lack of proper spacing! Letters and numbers replacing words! Random capitalization! Pointless emoticons! Missing apostrophes! Arbitrary line breaks like she thinks she’s E.E. goddamn Cummings! And for some reason a picture of a birthday cake following the kind of meaningless and irrelevant faux-profound simile that makes Jim Carrey’s new age pablum look like the Tao of Hank Hill. I’m tappin’ out, Cher. You done broke my brainbits.


Source: The NY Times (Tweets collected by E Online)

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5.1.13: Kris Kross’ Chris Kelly – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 11:16 pm May 2, 2013

CHRIS_KELLYWait, so… who’s supposed to be destroying whose credibility here?


You know, ever since five minutes ago when I figured out that Kris Kross were the backwards clothes guys and not the House Party guys, I’ve been a big fan of their work. It’s hard not to be; Before Snoop came along and scared all the well-meaning white people away by braiding his hair, we were all enjoying a golden era of hip hopketeering. The Fat Boys were giving us hardcore raps about how much fun it was to eat pizza with your friends while A Tribe Called Quest made us all briefly curious as to who A Tribe Called Quest was. And, of course, Kris Kross convinced us all to wear our clothes backwards despite my mom explicitly telling me that there was no point in wearing custom slacks with shin guards if I was just gonna turn them around anyway. Look, you can either be cool for three months in 1992 or you can spend the rest of your life not having to cope with agonizing shin splints. I made my choice, but, as usual, parents just don’t understand.


Chris Kelly, half of the 1990s kid rap duo Kris Kross who made one of the decade’s most memorable songs with the frenetic “Jump,” died at an Atlanta hospital on Wednesday of an apparent drug overdose at his home, authorities said. He was 34.

Wow. He basically hadn’t worked since he was 16 but still had enough walking around money for overdose levels of drugs? Somebody must’ve made some smart investments in the late 90s. Maybe he put a lot into a high-yield mutual fund, or a sensible Roth IRA, both of which would really start paying out dividends for him right about now. It makes for a good story to help explain to youngsters about how saving for a financially stable future is what’s really “fresh” on the “streets.” I mean, up until the overdose part. If you’re putting together a motivational speech you should probably leave stuff like that out.


Source: USA Today

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9.29.12: Woman Who Won the Lottery and Continued to Collect Welfare – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:04 am October 3, 2012

Clayton later tweeted that “it was the most awesome September 11th ever lol!” That’s just kinda acting like a dick.


Periodically, Michigan is forced to give away large sums of money to keep people from leaving once they realize the state hasn’t done anything of substance since they gerrymandered Detroit’s districts into the shape of a penis. They’ve dubbed the sham “the lottery” and it’s actually kinda pointless, considering that it’s damn near impossible to get out of Michigan anyway since I-75 is always backed up to fucking Grayling. You might as well just try to move to Ohio via telekinesis.

Proving that this whole lottery thing is totally a great idea, last year Detroit-area citizen Amanda Clayton won a cool million and decided that, fuck it, she was still a few Gs short, so she decided to continue receiving welfare checks. Man. If there’s one thing I have a real issue with, it’s financial malfeasance. And if there are two things I have real issues with, it’s financial malfeasance and rap songs that keep telling me to put my hands in the air. I have weak triceps, jerks!

Anyway, that lady is dead now. Sorry it took so long for me to get to that bit of info, but in fairness I had a lot of shitty things to say about Michigan and that kinda took priority.

Police say a Detroit-area woman who collected welfare benefits despite winning a $735,000 lottery prize has died of a possible drug overdose.

Oh! Well, her staying on welfare makes a lot more sense now… you can burn through a million dollars in no time if you’re an experienced meth freak. What the hell do you want, Michigan? For her to just *steal* her drugs? That’s super dangerous. No wonder bloggers keep saying such awful things about you.

Source: The Huffington Post

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8.1.12: De’Andre McCullough, Inspiration Behind “The Corner” and “The Wire” – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:27 am August 8, 2012

Gold teeth? Well obviously life couldn’t have been treating him *that* badly…

At this point I haven’t watched “The Wire” simply out of spite. Oh, it redefined serialized drama, huh? The best series on television, you say? Well I’ll never know about all that, since your impotent rage at my ignorance is way more rewarding than the actual product could ever hope to be. How’s that feel, every coworker I’ve had in the last four years?

Anyway, the guy who partially inspired the show, De’Andre McCullough, has died. Surprisingly, he did not die of a brain hemorrhage while trying to remember how to capitalize his name. Seriously, my shift key looks like it was in a meteor shower.

The man whose life was the focus of ‘The Corner,’ a book about a year on a drug-plagued Baltimore street corner,

Also known as “every Baltimore street corner.” Carry on.

has died of a suspected drug overdose.

De’Andre McCullough, 35, was found dead by his girlfriend at a home in the Baltimore suburb of Woodlawn just before 6.30pm on Wednesday, according to police.

The 1997 book was written by former police officer Edward Burns and reporter David Simon, who went on to create the HBO series ‘The Wire.’ ‘The Corner’ was also made into an HBO mini-series.

De’Andre was very special and very talented, but he could get in his own way quicker than his shadow,’ Donnie Andrews, who inspired the ‘Omar’ character on ‘The Wire’ and married McCullough’s mother, told The Baltimore Sun.

Ugh. Between the real life relationships and the fictional analogs this story just got way too tangled for me. It’s the same reason I refuse to date girls with hyphenated names. You mean your name is Ann and Marie? And I have to remember both? So, what, do you celebrate two birthdays or something? Baby, I don’t think this is gonna work out.

Source: The Daily Mail

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5.7.12: Heroin-Addled Swiss Raver Dolphins – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:30 am May 8, 2012

I made this before reading the article. If it turns out to be inaccurate I should still be able to make some tweaks and use it for when Andy Dick ODs on Clorox this summer.

So it looks like some filthy Swiss ravers got high and fed heroin to some dolphins who happened to be in the immediate vicinity. Because in Switzerland you can apparently just party with dolphins whenever you want. The whole country behaves like its in an 80s Bud Light commercial.

Hey, Block Quote: Can we try some Block Quotes within Block Quotes, like some kind of grammatical Inception?

A toxicology report has surfaced that says two dolphins who died last year after a zoo rave in Switzerland that says heroin was found in the mammals’ urine. reports:

About a year ago, dolphins Shadow and Chelmers died agonizing deaths in Connyland, Switzerland, after the zoo allowed a rave (attended by thousands) to be held near their training pool. For animals with sonar hearing, a possibly dubstep-heavy event was already considered a strain.

Now a toxicology report has emerged that shows a heroin substitute was found in the animal’s urine. This would seem to confirm initial suspicions that whacked-out ravers fed the dolphins drugs while possibly on some kind of weird acid trip.

AOL UK reports that it was originally believed that the techno music pumping out from the club just yards from the dolphins’ pool had caused their deaths:

But toxicology tests carried out by the forensics institute in St Gallen show that the heroin substitute Buprenorphin was present in the dolphins’ urine.

According to The Sun, Dutch marine biologist and dolphin expert Cornelis van Elk said: “Opiates are extremely dangerous for underwater mammals and would never be used in any legitimate treatment.

Yikes. What a sad story. Between this and Aphex Twin Junior Skrillex I’m kinda surprised dubstep is still legal. You don’t hear about mammals dying at Sugarland concerts. Wait, seriously? Oh man. That is the worst musical atrocity since Gwen Stefani murdered Adam Yauch.


Source: Seattle PI

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