This Day in Death

4.25.12: Colorado Man Who Wrote His Own Obituary – LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am April 25, 2012

No, Kid’s not dead, but the guy is this story is named “Flathead.” This was the first thing I thought of and I desperately needed something to keep my attention through this post. It’s working nicely.


Sometimes the internet gets ahold of something and, once in a great while, it’s stupid. The internet’s sterling judgement has given us an endless parade of musically-inclined cats, songs about deciding which seat to choose in your friend’s car, and lots and lots of casual racism. But today we got a story about some yokel in Colorado who wrote a funny obituary for himself instead. It’s the kind of thing Tina at work is going to show you two weeks after you’ve already seen it and you’re gonna have to pretend that it’s cute because 1.) you don’t want people to know that you burn through memes the way well-adjusted people go through toilet paper, and 2.) each day is little more than an increasingly desperate effort to avoid hitting the release valve on the barely-contained tank of rage directed at everyone who tries to show you “internet things” in your real life. This post just got… therapeutic.

“He enjoyed booze, guns, cars and younger women until the day he died,” reads the Denver Post obituary for Michael “Flathead” Blanchard.

And his cause of death? The obit attributes his maker-meeting moment to being “stubborn, refusing to follow doctors’ orders and raising hell for more than six decades.”

Fair enough.

The obituary then lists his late cat “Chopper” as his son, says someone named “Baba Yaba” can “kiss his butt” and notes that his childhood friends are predominantly “criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats.”

First off, act like a man and say “ass” or just don’t say anything at all. I don’t read obituaries to see what it would look like if you ran “Scarface” through the ABC Family censor. I read them because my parents gave me no moral guidance whatsoever. Also, don’t you dare lump prostitutes in with criminals and Democrats, and I’m not just saying that because I can’t seem to stop mentioning them in posts. They provide a valuable service to lonely weirdos and bored millionaires with trophy wives alike. It’s pretty much the only thing that unites us as a nation.

While all the hell-raising surely didn’t help, his family told the Post “Flathead” actually died of natural causes. And, no, the obituary is not some cruel final jab by the family. They say the words are mostly Flathead’s.

His brother Steve Blanchard said “Flathead” wrote a draft of the obituary before he died. The family just added the final touches.

“He lived every minute to its fullest and then some,” Blanchard told the Post.

Not only is the obituary blunt, it’s late. The man nicknamed for his love of fixing up cars — including those with flathead engines — died nearly a year ago. The family decided to wait until closer to the one-year anniversary of his death to publish the obituary and hold his memorial service.

Who… what the hell… He died a year ago and you’re just now doing something about it? It’s not a new Stones album, you really don’t need 10 months of lead time to market a funeral. Maybe people in Colorado have time to waste but here in the midwest we’ve got a lot videos of anthropomorphic frogs to watch.


Source: HLN

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