This Day in Death

5.14.13: Con Artist/General Dick Billie Sol Estes – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:18 pm May 24, 2013

BILLIE_SOL_ESTESOften forgotten amongst his other crimes was the time in 1994 when Estes stole the entire set from a Fancy Feast commercial. What a monster!


Billie Sol Estes, 60’s con artist and conspirator, died last week at the age of 88. AARP, who described Estes as a “wheeler-dealer” because using a term that anyone has heard in the past 60 years would just be stupid, issued the following summary from beneath their funny-smelling afghans. Ha! They’re old and I’m not!

He concocted a scheme that enabled him to steal $24 million from finance companies by getting them to write mortgages on nonexistent fertilizer tanks on farms, and a second cabal to swindle farmers out of federal cotton subsidies. Eventually, in 1965, he was convicted on federal mail fraud and conspiracy charges and sentenced to prison, but not before the Kennedy administration was scandalized by his connections with Agriculture Department officials and then-Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson, to whom he claimed to have slipped vast amounts of cash — though the allegation was never proven.

Fascinating. Of course, this being the internet and all, even a story that involves presidential bribery and actual bullshit can’t outshine literally anything involving cats:

His case caused a feline exhumation. The federal government believed Estes had stashed millions of dollars in ill-gotten gains, though they never were able to put their hands on the money. But it wasn’t for lack of trying. After learning that Estes had buried a friend’s cat in the early 1970s, government agents dug it up, in hopes that he had concealed money in the grave[.]

That… is dark. But, as usual, I think I have an elegant solution to prevent this kind of embarrassment in the future. You see, surprisingly, this blog has only paid out approximately $0.00 to date, so until those internet checks stop getting lost in the mail I’ve been earning some extra scratch by renting out my lawn as a pet cemetery. So if you’re looking for assurance that you beloved companion will be allowed to rest in undisturbed eternal peace then you can trust in the solemn dignity afforded by a guy who runs a deathblog, because I personally promise that if I ever exhume your pet it will NOT be because of government intervention, some weird sex thing, or to use their corpse to stage a little playlet about cats exploring outer space. And that guarantee is IRONCLAD, period!


Source: AARP

Tags: , ,