This Day in Death

4.22.12: Guy Who was Beaten with an Electric Guitar – UNSURPRISINGLY DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am April 30, 2012

Eyewitness statements have confirmed early reports that the attack was “metal as shit.”

 

If you’re one of the few remaining Americans who haven’t spent your waking hours meticulously memorizing the contents of this blog in order to be one step ahead when it’s finally admitted into future pressings of most major religious texts, it may have escaped your notice how cartoonishly insane Austin, Texas is. So here’s a story about a guy in Austin who was beaten to death. With a guitar. Man. Living in that town must be exhAUSTINg. HA! You see how that worked there? Fuck you, you probably didn’t even get it anyway.

Police have made an arrest in Austin’s ninth homicide of the year. Police say a man was beaten to death with an electric guitar.

Peter Andrew Levay, 42, is in jail charged with murder. He’s accused of killing 64-year-old Maurice Leray Eckert.

Right now is a good time to mention that all Austin citizens are required to go by three names, otherwise the ghost of Jonathan Taylor Thomas will come to your house at night and beat you with the rusty shovel his grave was dug with.

And now here comes Levay’s roommate to ruin that last joke.

Levay told his roommate, Lavern Fisher, he thought he killed the man who lived upstairs. Fisher says Levay called his sister, who called the Austin Police Department, to check on the man who lived upstairs. When officers arrived, no one answered the door, so they forced their way inside.

According to an arrest affidavit, right after the homicide Levay didn’t know what to do, so his roommate told him to “lay down and go to sleep.”

Well maybe if she would’ve told him to lie down and go to sleep she wouldn’t have come across like someone who spent 8th grade English making bongs out of milk cartons instead of learning the basic rules of language usage. Remember the proper approach to handling a tragedy: Stay calm, assess the situation, and don’t neglect syntax minutia during your deposition. It could save your life (it will never save your life).

Besides that blunder, Lavern’s got the right idea: Most dead people will come back to life within 6-8 hours if you just leave them be. If you accidentally kill someone, just get some rest, freshen up, maybe eat a nice, carb-heavy meal. You’re really gonna need some me time, and tomorrow you’ll see just how silly you were to have ever panicked in the first place.

Fisher says police found the victim’s bloody clothes in Levay’s closet, along with a wallet in the downstairs apartment.

Fisher says his roommate had been drinking with the man upstairs, and he thinks he knows what led to the murder.

“He started making sexual advances toward me and him, and they became violent,” said Fisher.

There’s nothing strange about this. Happens all the time. A couple of A-list, top dawg broheims just chillaxin’, having a few brews and trading off some killer Dave Matthews licks… It’s hard not to get a little turned on. That kind of barely restrained sexual tension is the perfect spark to set off a studio apartment full of testosterone, and the next thing you know someone’s getting a headstock through the cerebellum. The key to avoiding these tragedies is to stick with ZZ Top-style furry guitars when things become heated, and steer clear of more aggresive designs, such as your Flying Vees, or the kind of Rick Neilsen monstrosity that played such a key role in the tragic death of television’s Jonathan Taylor Thomas. We miss you, JTT!

 

Source: KHOU

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03.08.12: Austin, Texas Street Transvestite Leslie Cochran – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:17 pm March 8, 2012

“Fine, Leslie. You can wear the pastel halter top with matching thong, but I’m putting on the Superman cape and neon orange mukluks. I swear, we go through this shit every Sunday before church.”

 

Austin, Texas weirdo/transvestite/frequent hobo Leslie Cochran is dead, leaving behind only Soy Bomb and Crispin Glover to carry on the proud legacy of being pointlessly weird and getting rewarded for it. Sorry, I’m just bitter because that was my major in college and it’s done jack all for me.

Hey, All Ablog Austin, why don’t you take a moment out of your busy schedule of having a name that doesn’t make any fucking sense and give me a block quote?

Mayor Lee Leffingwell was expected to proclaim Thursday and every March 8 forward Leslie Day in Austin. Friends and fans planned to gather at City Hall at 6 p.m. and parade to Sixth Street beginning at 7:30. Romness encouraged attendees to wear boas and tiaras.

When reached for comment, Leffingwell added, “Because we have absolutely nothing else to do here. Seriously, my ‘desk’ is just a mini-fridge full of PBR. I’m pretty sure this whole town runs on some sort of gypsy curse because I haven’t signed a piece of paperwork in years.”

 

Source: All Ablog Austin

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