This Day in Death

10.10.13: Astronaut Scott Carpenter – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:30 am October 17, 2013

SCOTT_CARPENTERHey! I took the same yearbook photo! The nurple purpling was totally worth it.


Scott Carpenter, one of America’s original seven astronauts, died on Thursday at the age of 88. Carpenter was considered a relatively minor figure, but he still led a pretty sweet life, largely due to the NASA fun package all astronauts get upon reentry. I actually have one right here that I picked up from Neil Armstrong’s estate sale. Turns out he got in pretty deep with some sharks once the Tang residuals went dry so I picked this baby up for a song. Let’s see, there’s this “Astronauts Do it at Mach 30” bumper sticker, which seems a little braggy, but whatever. There’s a certificate good for having one U.S. state renamed (Armstrong’s rejected bid for “Assachusetts” poses more questions than it answers), a VHS copy of Apollo 13 signed by Clint Howard, and a tasteful nude photo of former NASA administrator James E. Webb. The whole thing is rounded out with some pretty great ‘Buy 1, Get 1’ pizza coupons, and that’s a savings that really adds up if you host a lot of casual parties. Just because you’ve been outside of Earth’s gravitational field doesn’t mean you have to pay sky-high prices.

Some NASA officials found fault with his performance.

“He was completely ignoring our request to check his instruments,” Christopher Kraft, the flight director, wrote in his memoir “Flight: My Life in Mission Control” (2001). “I swore an oath that Scott Carpenter would never again fly in space. He didn’t.”

Yeah, regardless of what those Van Damme movies had you believing, playing by your own rules in the real world just ends up getting your ass put on latrine duty, forgotten by history until some blogger with questionable social skills takes your life’s achievements out of context for a few cheap laughs. Just fly right and listen to authority already. Speaking of which, I found out you guys are wearing those “I <3 Cops” shirts ironically, so let’s go ahead and just knock that off, too, please.

Source: NY Times

Tags: , ,

8.25.12: Neil Armstrong – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:22 am August 27, 2012

FINE, YOU WENT TO THE MOON. THAT’S AWESOME. Have you ever been to Tampa? Well, I guess we’ve both done some pretty cool things then.


Neil Armstrong, the first man to both walk *and* c-walk (probably) on the moon died on Saturday at the age of 82. I mean, that’s all assuming you buy into this whole “landing on the moon” thing. I’ve got some interesting typo-filled literature I printed off from a Geocities site that I think will really open your eyes. Then, when you’re ready, I’ll explain how the US government isn’t actually allowed to make you pay an income tax. It has a lot to do with the completely undeniable FACT! that the Constitution was in reality just written 23 years ago by then-“President” H.W. Bush and his Skull & Bones cronies. IT’S EXACTLY LIKE IN 1984, SHEEPLE.

[Current NASA administrator Charles] Bolden also noted that in the years after the moonwalk, Mr. Armstrong “carried himself with a grace and humility that was an example to us all.” The historian Douglas Brinkley, who interviewed Mr. Armstrong for a NASA oral history, described him as “our nation’s most bashful Galahad.” His family called him “a reluctant hero who always believed he was just doing his job.”

Indeed, some space officials have cited these characteristics, as well as his engineering skills and experience piloting X-15 rocket planes, as reasons that Mr. Armstrong stood out in the astronaut corps. After the post-flight parades and a world tour for the three Apollo 11 astronauts, Mr. Armstrong gradually withdrew from the public eye. He was not reclusive, but as much as possible he sought to lead a private life, first as an associate administrator in the space program, then as a university professor and director of a number of corporations.

In retrospect it’s kinda stunning to think about Armstrong being allowed to lead such a dignified life. Ever since Pepsi purchased the moon in 2004, that kind of thing would be in flagrant breach of contract. Nowadays Armstrong would be required to shoot four seasons of a reality show with Ruben Studdard and one of the Menendez brothers.

Armstrong’s death comes only a month after fellow astronaut, and first American woman in space, Sally Ride passed away. Meanwhile William Shatner is still waddling around the convention circuit despite having reached what appeared to be critical mass some decades ago, and all he had to do was whiff a couple of right hooks at some unlucky extra in a lizard costume. Jesus, Death is more ironic than an LMFAO fan.

Source: The New York Times

Tags: , ,

7.23.12: Sally Ride, the First American Woman in Space – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:57 pm July 24, 2012

Ride, seen here hanging out with Oscar the Grouch’s girlfriend Grundgetta shortly before what must’ve been the freakiest threesome ever.


You know, ever since the beginning of this paragraph, I’ve wanted to be an astronaut. Unfortunately I failed the written exam, because apparently NASA is only interested in the kind of intellectual elitists who own bookshelves that aren’t just painted onto the wall. The kind of freaks who actually read the informational plaques at the zoo. Stop trying to show off, Einstein. I just came here to assert my dominance by throwing rocks at caged animals, not get my zoology master’s.

Sally Ride, the first American woman to fly in space, died on Monday at her home in San Diego. She was 61.

The cause was pancreatic cancer, her company, Sally Ride Science, announced on its Web site.

Dr. Ride, a physicist who was accepted into the space program in 1978 after she answered a newspaper ad for astronauts, flew on the shuttle Challenger on June 18, 1983, and on a second mission in 1984.

Hang on, what was that?

…after she answered a newspaper ad for astronauts…

1978 must have been a very VERY different time, because if I saw that ad today I would be 10,000% certain that it had something to do with covertly recruiting people to run a meth lab. I like that NASA in the 70s pretty much took the same approach to sending people into outer space that I used for selling my futon.

Anyway, it’s worth noting that Ride was not only the first American woman in space, but, at 32, also the youngest. She was not, however, the first woman in space. That honor goes to Valentina Tereshkova. Also, contrary to some misinformation floating around out there, she was not the first breakdancer in space. That was, of course, Carlos “Laser Legs” Lopez. That may seem trivial, but keep in mind: Space is fucking boring. In fact, some history books claim that Lopez’s anti-gravity pop and lock was the only thing that kept our brave men and women from dying of space ennui.


Source: New York Times

Tags: , ,