This Day in Death

2.13.16: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:33 pm February 15, 2016
Politics aside, I simply won’t trust a man who wears a hat he clearly stole from a French philosophy student.


Big news in the law world (which is still Earth, I guess), as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has passed away over the weekend. Let’s get the minimum required amount of backstory out of the way, Block Quote!

In 1986, after Chief Justice Warren Burger announced his intention to retire, Mr. Reagan nominated Judge Scalia to the Supreme Court. Though his conservative views were well known, he was confirmed by the Senate by a vote of 98 to 0.

By the way, “conservative” pretty much means “Christian” in these contexts. That coded language is annoying, just say Christian. It’s kinda like when someone says “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual” when they’re actually trying to say “I’m just lazy.”

For a lot of Americans, Scalia’s most infamous moment was tipping the scales in favor of George W. Bush during the code red clusterfucking that was the 2000 election. Scalia halted a recount in Florida and, for the fourth goddamn time, a candidate won the popular vote but lost the election due to trailing in electoral votes. The controversy led to many citizens calling to do away with the electoral college altogether, a cause they doggedly pursued for a solid 6 weeks until new episodes of Will & Grace started airing again. In their defense, that Debra Messing is a treasure.

Obviously, the death of a Supreme Court Justice is a big deal, and will inevitably lead to a lot of heated emotions and complex discussion. Most of that discussion, of course, will be about the Court itself. Not as a judicial body, but rather the physical court. Just look at this snorefest:

SUPREME_COURT[via Bloomberg]

I know I’m supposed to stay impartial, but this is the sorriest thing I’ve ever seen. Ionic pilasters? Are you shitting me? I literally just threw up in my mouth, it’s disgusting. This is America, if you can’t spring for Corinthian capitals you might as well go back to deadlifting lintels onto trabeated systems in Croatia like an animal. And what’s with the two morose flags that appear to be on suicide watch? Shameful. Every surface should be flag, and every flag as proud and erect as a peacock’s spinal column. We’re talking about a Supreme Court, not some trailer trash appellate noise. Judge Joe Brown wouldn’t even air out his dirty robes in this place, and that guy got his law degree from one of those county fair games where you throw a ring around a water jug.

No, a truly Supreme Court should look like the second act of Total Recall mated with a Rubic’s Cube: Just an unrelenting visual assault of lights and colors and hydraulic arms and a mess of hanging tubes carrying unspecified glowing liquids to undisclosed locations for purposes that will never be made clear. Also, the bench should be a minimum of 20 feet above the ground, both to emphasize the Justices’ superior standing and to ensure visibility of the bald spots of anyone on the floor. I just don’t like people thinking they can Friar Tuck that mess without the world finding out.

And just to keep the mood light, how about if every session opens with the Justices banging their gavels to the drum solo from “In the Air Tonight”? Oh! And maybe a jumbotron to replay especially sick injunctions with cool 3D animations that speak to my youthful sensibilities. Basically anything to make the room feel more like a bowling alley in 1993 would be pretty sharp.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “James, you’re clearly a visionary for troubled times, but who’s gonna pay for all of this bombastery?” Well, for starters, I’m almost certain that’s not a real word. Secondly, don’t you worry, because a few tasteful sponsored LED banners should go a long way towards footing the bill. But before you start moaning about integrity and ethics understand that I’m talking really classy stuff, like, “Declare a writ of habeas delicious with Mountain Dew’s new Energizing Midnight Grape Kickstart!” Or has anyone considered renaming it the Taco Bell Taco Supreme Court? I’ve really been coming up with a lot of good ideas since I started wearing this “Make America Great Again” hat.


Source: The NY Times

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