This Day in Death

4.30.12: 500,000 Chickens – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:32 am May 2, 2012

I swear to God if this is another story that involves unexpected molestation I’m shutting this blog down.


Chickens: We eat them. But did you know they were once alive? It’s one of those things you never think to look up on Wiki, but it’s totes true.

Roughly half a million chickens perished in a fire at a Weld County egg farm Monday afternoon, authorities said.

The fire at Moark Hatcheries, located at 9575 Weld County Road 73, was reported at about 1:30 p.m.

SkyFOX aerial footage showed several buildings ablaze and a large plume of smoke that was visible from several miles away.

Well that certainly emphasizes the “bummer” aspect of the story. This is exactly why I’ve long suggested that all sad news items should be reported exclusively via Far Side cartoons. Maybe, like, all the chickens are scrambling to escape and one of them is left behind because he’s listening to an audio book about teaching yourself to fly and doesn’t hear the commotion. And the caption could say something about how ironic that is, and the chicken’s name would probably be something silly like “Mortimer” or “Greg” or something. Look, I realize that’s not all that funny but I never went to journalism school.



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02.24.12: Most of the Animals PETA is Responsible For – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:59 pm February 24, 2012

On the one hand I hate that Olivia Munn endorses PETA, and also that she’s made a comfortable living off of pretending to be a nerd, thereby exploiting the insecurities of countless young people. On the other hand: Boobs. You can see the bind I’m in.


Look, I like animals. They have soft fur and their giant paw prints help me find my way around amusement parks and state fairs. But, like any civilized person, I hate PETA for their counterproductive measures that come off more like real-life trolling than actually trying to improve the living conditions of seriously mistreated animals. Thus, I’m always up for tossing a metaphorical rock at them and then hiding behind a dumpster. Unfortunately this story is coming from some right-wing rag and is stuffed with a painfully transparent amount of bias, but this site isn’t about parsing out political rhetoric. I don’t have the hair to pull an Edward Murrow on anybody. No, I’m just a humble man who writes a blog about death because he refuses to get a job that won’t allow him to wear a poncho every day. Where death goes, so goes this blog. So Block Quote, please pull me out of this rambling paragraph:

Documents published online this month show that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, an organization known for its uncompromising animal-rights positions, killed more than 95 percent of the pets in its care in 2011.

Fifteen years’ worth of similar records show that since 1998 PETA has killed more than 27,000 animals at its headquarters in Norfolk, VA.

In a February 16 statement, the Center said PETA killed 1,911 cats and dogs last year, finding homes for only 24 pets.

In fairness, most of those animals were sick or otherwise considered unadoptable. In a way, death was the best option for them. So, uh… all’s well that ends well, I guess!

There’s one thing we can all agree on, though: Nobody cares what happens to the sea lamprey. Man… fuck those guys.

Source: The Daily Caller

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