This Day in Death

6.1.14: Ann B. Davis of “The Brady Bunch” – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:27 pm June 4, 2014

ANN_B_DAVISI don’t care how bad the ratings were slipping by the fifth season, I still say recasting Anton LaVey as Bobby was just gimmicky.


Decades before Adam Sandler had begun just daring us to step into a movie theater, The Brady Bunch was flying the flag of offensively dull blended families all by itself. Yes sir, from stories about why you shouldn’t lie to stories about why you should always tell the truth, there was only one rule if you wanted to survive in the cutthroat world of the Brady Bunch writers’ room: “Pretty much all holds barred.”

Sunday marked the death of one of the show’s stars, Ann B. Davis, better know as the Brady’s live-in maid Alice, who maintained and cooked every goddamn thing despite Carol being a stay-at-home mom. Because when your husband is pulling in that sweet architect salary, why should you even bother trying to maintain something as sprawling and unruly as a two-story house? That shit is for poor people, go get yourself a deep-tissue massage.

“I made up a background story. I did have a twin sister, so I used that as a basis. … I cared very much about this family. It was my family. It was as close to my family as Alice would ever get. I would have died for any single one of them at any point,” she said. “You know, they wrote me such gorgeous things to do, as the intermediary between the kids and the adults, and between the boys and the girls. And they gave me funny things to do.”

Fun fact: During the first season, the theme song was preformed by a band called Peppermint Trolley Company. I’m not even making that up! Those guys came up with a name that sounds like something spray-painted on the side of a van that sells crystal meth to neighborhood children and decided to run with it because they were just that innocent. I swear, if the state ever allows me to have kids, I’m never raising them in the 70s.


Source: CNN

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5.13.14: H.R. Giger – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:17 am May 17, 2014

HR_GIGERYep, that’s the legitimate and boundlessly creative work of a beloved cult artist. I suppose that means there’s a certain 9th grade social studies teacher out there who owes the cover of my high school notebook an apology now.

 

 

H.R. Giger, the rare artist who actually was just trying to make everything look like cocks (unlike those half-measure Disney artists), has died due to injuries sustained during a fall. Details are spotty, so it’s currently anyone’s guess if that accident was more along the lines of an endless and terrifying freefall into a twisting vortex of techno-organic female genitalia or just, like, tripping on a crack in a Whole Foods parking lot. You know, if you think about it, that whole “twisting vortex” thing probably counts as gettin’ some.

Giger is best known for designing the schlong-skulled titular creatures of the Alien film franchise. Those monsters were the most successful case of covertly sneaking a giant dick into a film until Mel Gibson gave himself a cameo in The Passion of the Christ. BAM! That is a burn ten years in the making!

The “Alien” movies weren’t Giger’s only foray into cinema. He contributed designs to other science-fiction films such as “Species” and was featured in the recent documentary “Jodorowsky’s Dune,” having contributed designs for the director’s aborted film adaptation of the Frank Herbert novel.

Around the same time Giger was commissioned to design a new batmobile for 1995’s Batman Forever, also known as where Val Kilmer left his career. You would be forgiven for expecting a Giger-designed vehicle intended for a Joel Schumacher Batman movie to be a slam dunk of man junk, but the results were suprisingly non-phallic, proving that even innuendo must have a saturation point. So tread lightly, Queen tribute bands of the world: that ice is looking mighty thin already.

 

Source: LA Times

 

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11.30.13: Actor Paul Walker – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:59 am December 3, 2013

PAUL_WALKERThese movies may be stupid, but at least Walker had the common sense to stand under his own name. Jesus Christ, Rodriguez, is branding just not important to you at all?

 

Actor Paul Walker, seen above in part of the 40% of that poster that isn’t Vin Diesel’s schnoz, died on Saturday from a tragic bout of irony. You see, Walker was part of the Fa3t and Fur10us film series and he died while riding in a speeding car, which is both sincerely tragic and recklessly dickish. I felt the need to spell that connection out for you because, if you’re anything like me, you have no idea what these movies are: It turns out my brain is programmed to cross-reference Vin Diesel, Ludacris, and The Rock and mentally trashcan any point at which all three converge. So far it’s only happened for the Fa3t &nd 4ur1ŎU$ movies and a really weird sermon I once heard about the three wise men.

Walker and Roger Rodas, who was believed to be driving, died in the wreck on Hercules Street, a wide business park road, in the community of Valencia inside the city of Santa Clarita, about 30 miles north of Hollywood, according to Walker’s publicist and CNN affiliate KCAL.

In a pretty classy instance of C.R.E.A.M., Universal Pictures wasted no time announcing plans to complete the 5ấ3t &nd 4ur1Ŏü$ installment Walker was working on at the time of his death, most likely by throwing some mountain goats and a typewriter in a cement mixer and hoping that an extensively rewritten script eventually falls out. So how will Walker’s absence be addressed? A mid-film sex change/recast to internet crush Jennifer Lawrence? A harrowing return to his home planet? An endless parade of face-obscuring lens flare after face-obscuring lens flare? Universal Pictures CEO James Schamus responded to the rampant speculation by Instagramming a picture of himself sodomizing a bag with a dollar sign on the side of it. At this point the leading theory is that the bag was filled with money, although this cannot yet be verified.

One thing’s for sure: Your dumbass roommate is still gonna go see this mess, “just to make fun of it,” because he doesn’t understand that Hollywood can cash ironic checks just as easily as sincere ones.

 

Source: CNN

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4.1.13: ‘Buckwild’ Star Shain Gandee – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:41 am April 4, 2013

SHAIN_GANDEEThe cast of Buckwild, and the only known image of a group of West Virginians in a pickup truck that doesn’t involve a noose and a minority. That’s progress, Mountain State!

 

I don’t have the slightest idea what Buckwild is, and if you happen to know where MTV is on your cable box it probably means your literacy level is hovering around sub-Beavis levels, so I really don’t need to impress you, or even be coherent. The rest of this post may as well be lorem ipsum for all the difference it’ll make. But I’ll do you one better and pretend to care about your interests. Your stupid, stupid interests.

Apparently Buckwild is a reality show set in West Virginia centering around let’s just say incest. Alright, that might not be strictly true, but supposedly it’s close enough in spirit that the state has denied the show tax credits due to the negative stereotypes it appeares to be enforcing. So when Shain Gandee, one of the show’s stars, was found dead on Monday the state collectively put down the pig they’d been relentlessly seducing and flew their most solemn “If You Hear the Shot, You Weren’t the Target” t-shirt at half-mast, as is their mourning tradition. It’s quite beautiful, in its way.

Gandee, 21, was found dead in a vehicle along with his uncle, David Dwight Gandee, 48, and Donald Robert Myers, 27, authorities said.

On Monday, the sheriff’s office said they had “received word of a disabled vehicle in a wooded area” near Sissonville, that deputies and Sissonville Volunteer Fire Department personnel used all-terrain vehicles to reach the 1984 Ford Bronco belonging to the Gandee family.

You know, everyone likes to bitch about how much MTV sucks now, but what everyone seems to be forgetting is that it was pretty much always totally unwatchable. The Real World and Road Rules were shamelessly scripting reality back when CBS was still beta testing the cyborg that would eventually become Jeff Probst, and whenever they *did* get around to playing music videos it was usually either Will Smith getting jiggy with a fisheye lens or some shitty Pearl Jam knockoff. Hell, pre-1991 the station’s programming consisted entirely of nothing but the Ghostbusters‘ theme on repeat. And I know we all liked Beavis & Butthead, but most of those episodes were just stitched together from looped bits of previous episodes, forming a sort of content ouroboros that they just hoped we were all too hopped up on Surge to notice (we were). Toss in a solid 25 minutes of commercials per hour and it’s amazing anyone ever thought there was the slightest bit of integrity to the whole scam. I don’t really begrudge MTV selling snake oil to the easily entertained for the last three decades, I just wish aging Gen Xers hadn’t let nostalgia convince them that Kennedy introducing a 7 Year Bitch video was their moon landing. Maybe it’s time to take some baby steps towards transparency. Can we at least admit that we’re all just watching the invasive surgery channel for masturbatory purposes? We all know it, let’s just be mature enough to get it all out in the open already.

 

Source: CNN.com

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1.9.13: Balcony Lap Dancer – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:18 am January 11, 2013

CHRISTIES_CABARETCome to Christie’s Cabaret, where drug lords meet to discuss murder plots in movies about dystopian futures!

 

I don’t know much about these things because I’m usually tied up with my Christian praise band on the weekends, but apparently a ‘strip club’ is a place where a group of gentlemen can go to become sexually aroused and then try to withhold release. It’s sorta like a game of Ejaculate Chicken, except that nobody wins. Nobody ever, ever wins.

After spending a week in critical condition at the MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland, exotic dancer Lauren Block succumbed to injuries she sustained after hitting her head in a 15-foot fall from a strip club balcony.

You know what would prevent tragedies like this in the future? Suicide nets. I mean, it could kill that legendary hopeful ambiance that strip clubs are known for, but when those girls finally get that Associate’s Degree in General Studies they’ll thank me.

Alright, look; I’m not gonna make fun of a young woman who was simply trying to do the best job she could. If the stockboys at Target cared half as much as she did about putting her customers at ease then maybe I wouldn’t feel awkward asking them if there’s such a thing as gluten-free Preparation H. I have… highly-specific problems.

At any rate, the cockblockers at OSHA are planning an investigation into the club’s safety measures, or at least that’s the excuse they’ll be using for spending two weeks at a strip club. I can’t really blame them; It’s Cleveland. Your entertainment options are pretty limited. It’s basically go to a strip club, take a crystal meth cooking class, or visit the Krispy Kreme that Drew Carey grew up in. It’s like Disneyland for people who want to kill themselves but just need a little more convincing.



Source: Gawker

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11.28.12: Astrophysicist Steven Rawlings – DEAD AFTER SUFFERING A TOTAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND THEN BEING HEADLOCKED BY A SIKH AND WTF, MAN?!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:45 am December 5, 2012

 There are three things I’m not gonna mock for cheap hahas here: People with mental illnesses, astrophysicists, and Buff Love from the Fat Boys. You’ve earned your peace, big guy.

 

Okay, this one is gonna get real dark real fast, and that actually makes for a surprisingly tough job for me. What can I say, I like my work like I like my women: Easy. And usually Asian.

Professor Steven Rawlings, an eminent astrophysicist, suffered a fatal heart attack after being pinned to the ground in self defence by his oldest friend and fellow Oxford academic Dr Devinderjit Sivia.

He described his friend as confused and agitated and explained how he suddenly walked towards him shouting: “I’m going to kill you.”

“Suddenly he swung around without warning and punched me in the face, his clenched fists hit me in the face.

“He was screaming ‘you’re going to die, you’re going to die’,” Dr Sivia told the inquest.

Okay, in fairness, the odds suggest that Dr. Sivia WILL die at some point. That’s just basic statistics. So you could make the case that Rawlings wasn’t so much mentally disturbed as he was just very foreward-thinking. They wanted to kill Galileo for the same thing, and that guy ended up on the $100 bill.

Giving evidence at the inquest Professor Rawlings’ wife Linda, 50, said he had initially suffered mental health “side effects” 15-years ago after taking the controversial anti-malaria drug Lariam during a holiday to Kenya.

See, this is why I don’t travel. That, and the TSA has a thing about getting on a plane wearing a fully-stocked bandoleer, even though I politely explained to them that it’s strictly for fashion. The only crime that’s been committed here is being TOO style-conscious, Security Inspector Davidson!

As the pair struggled, Dr Sivia managed to restrain him in a headlock, holding him for around 20 minutes until eventually he uttered the phrase “goodbye cruel world” and went limp.

Dr Sivia told the inquest he initially thought Professor Rawlings was playing dead and believed “goodbye cruel world” was a reference to a Pink Floyd song they had been listening to earlier in the day.

“I thought this might be a ploy to get me to release him because it was so melodramatic,” he told the inquest.

Absolutely nothing about this makes sense and it’s really starting to feel like one of those Saved By the Bell episodes where the gang breaks a vase and keep making their situation exponentially worse by lying about it and eventually they learn the value of honesty. Except, in this case, they murdered a guy. I mean, maybe that happened at some point, I never really got into that College Years bullshit. It’s time to stop scheming, Zack! This is your future! GodDAMMIT.

But when he realised he was not getting up he then emailed the professor’s wife to apologise for killing him.

Mrs Rawlings said: “At 2230 I got an email from Devinder saying, ‘I’m terribly sorry but I’ve killed him, sorry Devinder’.

Dude! An email! That was the level of urgency the evening’s events had merited. Apparently accidental murder isn’t Skype-worthy. Why does nobody involved in this thing act like a human being? This whole debacle is one precocious teenage conspiracy theorist away from being a Don DeLillo short story.

 

Source: The Telegraph

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10.26.12: Blaque’s Natina Reed – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:15 am November 6, 2012

Pfft. That’s not even a real chastity belt. I am so sick of black people co-opting overtly-Christian European Renaissance culture. Get your own thing!

 

I obviously don’t need to tell you guys this, but I’m a big fan of 90s female R&B music. From that one crazy chick who burned down her house to that lady in the plane who was in that movie, I’ve always treated the genre with the respect and dignity that it commands. Or at least a few minutes of doing the Butterfly.

And solemnly Butterfly we shall, as we mourn the passing of Natina Reed of Blaque fame. MTV probably has something to say about it, but I suggest sticking to their blog unless you’re willing to wade through an 18-hour Inbetweeners marathon in the hopes that they’ll eventually take Kurt Loder out of cryogenic sleep to derisively break the news to you.

Reed was struck and killed late Friday while walking across Lawrenceville Highway near Hamilton Road, which is just north of Lilburn, a Georgia suburb north of Atlanta. The driver of the vehicle contacted police to report the accident. Rescue response performed CPR on the artist/songwriter at the scene before she was taken to Gwinnett Medical Center, where she was pronounced dead at 10:59 p.m.

“The driver who hit her is not being charged,” Ritter told MTV News. “It was an accident, that’s all it is. It was not a hit and run.”

See? It was just an accident. It happens, people make mistakes. The best thing we can do is try to learn from them and just move on. It’s how I learned that the Holocaust Museum doesn’t make a great first date destination. In my defense, I had assumed the name was ironic.


Source: MTV News

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9.2.12: Rapper Jew’elz – DEAD (After Ironically Tweeting “YOLO”)!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:03 am September 17, 2012

I couldn’t find/didn’t look for an image of Jew’elz, but PaRappa used to ride dirty as fuck.

 

Look, I don’t know who Erwin McKiness, aka Jew’elz is, you don’t know who he is, but I’m a big fan of ironic deaths, so here we are. It’s just like the time I wrote about Teddy Roosevelt being shot by a bear. Lord knows how he got his furry paws on that trigger, but credit where it’s due: He definitely had an agenda.

The San Bernardino Sun reports that Erwin McKiness, 21, Tweeted the ironic and foreshadowing phrase “YOLO” — or “You Only Live Once,” popularized by Canadian rapper Drake — just before he and his friends died in what police believe to be an alcohol-related accident on Sunday, September 2.

For the uninitiated (read: people with jobs), YOLO is the hot new phrase that all the young idiots are saying. It’s like Keep on Truckin’ mixed with Fuck the Police and a little twist of Dream Out Loud, minus the stuffiness of Live Your Best Life.

 “Drunk af going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO” wrote McKiness, just 20 minutes before the fiery 1:40 a.m. crash.

I’ve read this story a hundreds time and it never dawned on me that “af” wasn’t supposed to be “and” but instead stood for “as fuck.” And people knew this. It’s just a thing that people are aware of. Seriously, what Learning Annex course are you guys taking to know this kind of thing?


Source: LA Weekly

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7.16.12: “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People” Author Stephen R. Covey – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am July 17, 2012

Contrary to my initial skimming, Habit #4 is not “Start a novelty blog.”

 

Author Stephen R. Covey is dead today as a result of complications suffered from a bicycle accident last year. No word yet on whether or not it was one of those joke bikes with an ejector seat, but it was totally one of those.

Covey is best known as the man behind the self-help book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” And now he’s dead, so you see where that gets you. You buy this book and 50 years later you still end up dead, like Covey or Hitler or that dog from the Taco Bell commercials. That’s the big secret those fat cats at Simon & Schuster are trying to hide. I’ve cracked your sleazy little game, riding high on the hog from all of those “Alice in Blunderland” royalties and selling us false hope from your diamond-encrusted mansions with not one but *two* functional bathrooms and few to no silverfish infestations. You’ve strayed from your roots, malevolent publishing executive I just imagined!

Covey was “one of the world’s foremost leadership authorities, organizational experts and thought leaders,” according to a biography posted on the website of his 2011 book, “The 3rd Alternative.”

Other best-sellers by Covey include “First Things First,” “Principle-Centered Leadership,” and “The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness,” according to the biography.

In a slightly creepy bit of cross-pollination, Covey’s son authored a spin-off entitled, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens,” which is basically just filled with subtle variations of “Get two chicks to mash their boobs together in front of you.” Man, that’d be so hot.



Source: CNN

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4.1.12: Guy Whose 14-Year-Old Cousin Got Him in a “Rear Naked Choke Hold” – DEAD! Wait, What?

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:36 am April 13, 2012

Yes, “rear naked choke hold” was already in my Google Images search history. Why do you ask?

 

If you’re going to attempt something you watched a WWE star do you should limit yourself to relatively low-risk things, like wearing neon bicep tassels or marrying Brooke Hogan.  Or, at the very least, avoid anything that involves more than two of the words found in the phrase “rear naked choke hold.” Louisiana man Stephan Arceneaux never read that pamphlet at the community college, I guess.

According to St. Charles Parish Sheriff Greg Champagne, Arceneaux had gathered with friends at a home on Murray Hill Drive to watch the pay-per-view event “Wrestlemania 28” on television when he and a 14-year-old cousin began to wrestle on an inflated mattress on the floor. The juvenile, who is 5 feet, 6 inches tall and weighs 110 pounds, placed his arm around the neck of Arceneaux, who was 5 feet, 10 inches tall and weighed 220 pounds, in a move commonly known as a “rear naked choke hold” for 30 to 40 seconds.

Witnesses reported that Arceneaux said he would not give up or “tap out.”

FUCK NO HE DIDN’T. It would’ve made his Tapout shirt painfully ironic, and that’s the kinda East Coast elitist literary device that don’t fly in the bayou. No, down there allegory and synecdoche rule the day, motherfucker!

But at some point, someone noticed that Arceneaux was turning blue and told the youngster to release the hold. When he did, witnesses realized that Arceneaux had stopped breathing and dialed 911, shortly after 10 p.m.

Well, we’ve all learned a lesson here: It’s never a good idea to try to imitate professional wrestling moves. Except for the Bushwacker Walk. That’s just classy. It’s how my father walked down the aisle, you know.

 

Source: Nola.com

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