This Day in Death

9.3.12: Michael Clarke Duncan – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:59 am September 4, 2012

My biggest regret is that we never got to witness a cage match between Duncan and Aaron Neville for title of Most Gigantic Black Guy with a Surprisingly Tender Personality. I don’t have a lot of regrets.


Actor and sentient mountain of flesh Michael Clark Duncan died yesterday at the age of 54, the result of a heart attack he suffered in July. Nonetheless, his heart will be repurposed in 2013 as a cost-efficient replacement for the Hoover Dam’s hydropower plant generators. The guy was big as shit, if hyperbole and repetition hasn’t made that clear yet.

Duncan seemed like a good guy, and I’m not just saying that because I legitimately fear his ghost returning to beat me up in my sleep if I say otherwise, but I have to admit I was never terribly impressed by his range as an actor. Did you ever notice that he played a large black man in, like, every movie he was in? I mean, come on, shake it up a bit. Daniel Day Lewis once underwent extensive surgery that enabled him to spend months as an eight-year old Hispanic girl, all as preparation for a non-speaking background role in one scene of “Rain Man.” He won every single Oscar that year, including the shitty ones for sound mixing that they don’t air.

However, if there’s a silver lining here it’s that I get to add to my collection of insincere tweets from celebrities:

His co-star Mercedes Masohn tweeted: “Today is a sad day. Michael Clark Duncan passed away this morning. Known for his moving performance in The Green Mile. RIP MCD. You’ll b missed.”

Interesting creative decisions here. She’s got the “b” instead of “be,” but opted to spell “you’ll” correctly. All in all a pretty lopsided effort. Honestly, I expected more from a woman named after a luxury automobile.

One of his co-stars in [“In the Hive”] was Vivica A. Fox.

“My heart is shocked and saddened!! RIP Micheal Clark Duncan. U were the most gentle giant and the most gracious of a man! U wont b 4gotten! ” she tweeted.

Annnnd Fox shows us how it’s done. Really well-crafted delivery here. You’ve got the poor syntax with that whole “most gracious of a man” wreck, total lack of apostrophes, not one but THREE instances of a single letter standing in for a not much longer word, and even the controversial use of a number replacing a series of letters. That last move can come off a little showy, but she makes it work. Was mentioning her own heart tastelessly ironic or just borderline retarded? We’ll be debating it for ages, which is the hallmark of great art. Mmm! I will be kissing my fingers to this one for the rest of the week.

I kinda think it would be a good idea if, when an actor tries to buy a computer or a smart phone, we just sell them a Lite-Brite instead. Most would never be able to tell the difference anyway and then they wouldn’t be out there roaming the internet unsupervised, substituting numbers for letters and posting videos about how hard their unbelievably amazing lives are. Sigh. Seeing that video just makes me regret not saving the money I made during my tenure in Menudo. Turns out it doesn’t matter how young your spirit is, they kick you out at 20 anyway.

Source: CNN

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