This Day in Death

8.15.13: Carter Adviser Bert Lance – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:23 am August 19, 2013

LANCE_BERTLOOK, I DON’T GET IT, NEW YORK TIMES, ALRIGHT!? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?! Please, just let me read my Hi and Lois‘ in peace.

 

Well, Bert Lance died last week, and if that name doesn’t ring any bells it’s probably because you stopped collecting those Office of Management and Budget trading cards after George P. Shultz. Mmm, that guy could measure the quality of my agency anyday.

So, for those of you who were too busy talking to girls to memorize 92 years of bureaucratic minutia, I’ve got you covered. Let’s just sit back and relax while the Times tries to see how much they can cram into a single run-on sentence before we all forget what the hell we were reading about in the first place:

Bert Lance, a small-town Georgia banker who became pre-eminent adviser and tennis-playing confidant to Jimmy Carter but was forced to resign after eight months as director of the Office of Management and Budget because of accusations that he had personally traded on his ties with the president, died on Thursday in Georgia.

Oh, NY Times reporter Robert D. Hershey Jr.! You are the Wikipediest! All the info with none of the contextual nuance. Alright, let me try one:

“Jesus of Nazareth, who was believed to have been born in or around Judea, and who allegedly performed fish and wine-based miracles for his bros using supernatural abilities his followers believe were granted to him by his father, Thy Living Lord God, and who spent his years working as a common carpenter despite possessing Silver Age Superman power levels because humility I guess, was killed by the Romans maybe probably and hung on a cross on Friday because it looks like those Romans do *not* fuck around.”

I dunno, man. All the facts are there, but it just doesn’t have the love.

Getting back to B-Lanz, you may know him better as the originator of the phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Unfortunately you don’t hear it much anymore, as all of our most valuable phrases have been YOLO’d away in recent years. That’s right; “Where’s the Beef,” “Sit on It,” even the ever-reliable and sagelike wisdom of “No Fat Chicks,” all gone. I tried to warn you guys, but that bastard has been a linguistic A-bomb from day one.

Source: NY Times

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