This Day in Death

6.28.13: Matt Osborne, aka Doink the Clown – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:02 am July 4, 2013

DOINK_THE_CLOWNPictured: Wrestling.


I hate writing about professional wrestling. It’s one of those topics that gets a lot of fans up in their Axe Bodysprayed arms if you criticize it, which wouldn’t bother me so much if only they didn’t totally miss the point of the criticism. Yes, we all know that these guys put their bodies through a lot to get into shape, but you know who else does that? Ultraviolent prison inmates. Just because something’s hard to do doesn’t make it an admirable use of your time. It’s like setting a world record for most STDs; You can be proud of the effort if you want, but don’t expect anyone to give you the key to the city for it.

Alright, now that I’ve laid down a foundation that will most definitely keep wrestling fans from emailing me, it’s time to let you know that Matt Osbourne, who wrestled as Doink the Clown in the 1990s, is dead. Osbourne resurrected the Doink character with a new “smeared-makeup psycho killer” approach in 2010, working under the assumption that literally nobody but him had seen The Dark Knight. Solid plan, there. If you’re hoping to get away with copyright infringement maybe just steal something from Green Lantern instead.

“The locker rooms are much different now than they used to be,” he said, stressing it’s not necessarily a lack of respect. Mostly, it’s that the younger wrestlers are “off, into their own thing, not wanting to learn, or just thinking they know. I don’t know, I really don’t know. It’s hard for me to get into these young guys’ minds. I don’t know where they’re coming from. I just know how different it is.

“When I was young, I was always talking to the older guys, listening to them, seeking advice … I don’t see it a lot. There are some guys who are, and I relish that. That’s great. I’m there for them. But I can’t help somebody who doesn’t want it.”

Oh man, that is so Kenny Powers I grew a mullet just reading it. But he’s got a point: How do these young punks expect to get ahead in the world of fake wrestling without taking a knee whenever a 55-year old man in clown makeup who’s doing the indie circuits after nearly 20 years of involuntary quasi-retirement starts giving out advice? Guys like that always have a lot of wisdom to pass on, like where to get the best jean jackets or how to take a shower at a bus stop. And if you’re looking to laugh uncomfortably at some vaguely homophobic jokes, then prepare to perk those ears right the hell up. Plus, people like that usually refer to their girlfriend as their “old lady,” and that’s just something we could all stand to be doing a little more of.

Source: Canoe (It’s like the Canadian Yahoo!, which… ew.)