This Day in Death

6.20.12: Ron Phaneuf, Clock Craftsman – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:25 am June 26, 2012

I just spent a long while trying to come up with a recognizable rap lyric involving the word “glock,” which I would then change to “clock” for comical effect. Related: I am white.


Few occupations in 2012 send up the red flag of dangerous psychological imbalance like clock craftsman. If I need to know what time it is I’ll just do what all civilized people do: Request the information via Twitter, then wait for the internet to use its magic fairy juice to figure it out and get back to me. No need to complicate things with Roman numerals and smart-ass wooden birds. Basically, when your career choice can be used as the gimmick for a Batman villain don’t blame me if I cross the street when I see you coming.

Well, an arcane profession just got a little more arcanier now that Ron Phaneuf, Master Clockswain, has died in his sleep. His wife honored her husband’s tireless love of his craft with the following impossible to take out of context statement:

“He would polish all the moving parts, ream all the holes,” his wife said.

What? His wife appreciated his thorough reaming of all necessary holes. Nothing really humorous about that. Someone just died here, you should show some respect. I figured the sickle in the logo up there made it pretty obvious that this is a somber blog. She continues:

“Everything is so, like, digital. People don’t even wear watches because they could get the time off their cellphone now,” she said.

Oh man, I really wanna hang out with this lady now. I’m not really sure why modernizing something that’s completely utilitarian in purpose offends her on such a fundamental level, but it’s so damn charming. Does the old analog clock tell the time “warmer”? And what’s with all of these inoculations I see everyone getting nowadays? Avoiding contraction of life-threatening illnesses may be a nice convenience, but it’s so cold and clinical.

Anyway, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t something kind of pleasantly quaint about Phaneuf’s dedication. It’s a throwback to a time when people were a bit more hands-on. A little bit of that attitude goes a long way, and that’s why I make my own condoms at home. People just don’t take pride in doing things for themselves anymore, that’s the problem.

Oh wait! “Ream all the holes!” Oh, dude, I totally get it now! Alright, that’s pretty good after all. Yeah. *Sigh.* Yeah.


Source: Tampa Bay Times

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