This Day in Death

4.5.14: Comedian John Pinette – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:14 pm April 21, 2014

JOHN_PINETTEWho still wears a wristwatch? What are you, a bank robber in an 80s heist movie?

 

Being able to make someone laugh is an admirable skill, and someday I hope to give it a try myself. The most immediate route to getting that sweet rush of artistic validation is to try stand-up comedy, but unfortunately that game can be really intimidating until you develop your own unique lowbrow gimmick. Luckily all you really need is one easily digestible physical characteristic that the flyover states can feel good about, and then you just wring the holy living hell out of it on your personal rocket ride to Yuktown (Yuktown is in outer space). You could be a cute woman who says outrageous and unexpectedly sexual things, like Sarah Silverman. Or you could be a cute woman who says outrageous and unexpectedly sexual things, like Whitney Cummings. Or what about being a cute woman who says outrageous and unexpectedly sexual things, like Natasha Leggero? Perhaps you could blaze a brave new trail by being a cute woman who says outrageous and unexpectedly sexual things, like Amy Schumer. Or you could just have severe brain trauma, like Russel Brand. Pioneers, one and all.

Of course, if you have a functioning frontal lobe and a penis, then congratulations! Just in general it’s pretty great, not to mention that it really raises your dating stock. But it also means that your comedic path is even clearer: Get wild-ass, no regrets fat. Gabriel Iglesias, Ralphie May, Artie Lange… these are guys who “got” it. Just treat your body like it’s storing up supplies for nuclear winter and before you know it the jokes will practically be running through your veins. And they’ll have plenty of room to move, since your heart will have already decided not to bother trying to pump blood anymore.

Such was the career arc of longtime fat-centric comic John Pinette, who’s died at the age of 50. Oh. Well then, maybe don’t listen to my advice after all. Sorry for not reading ahead, now all the hate mail seems pretty justified.

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