This Day in Death

3.27.12: Cancer – DEAD! Kind of! Maybe Eventually. Not Really.

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:31 am March 28, 2012

For those of you who feel my jokes lack subtlety, please note that this is a colon cancer cell. See? That’s why you read the captions, too.


Few diseases have ruled the block as thoroughly or for as long as cancer, although its got a bit of an edge on everything else seeing as how it can attack, you know… any goddamn part of your body at any goddamn time. Take your pick; skin, bones, heart, lungs… If you get any enjoyment out of it, Death can find a way to sprinkle some cancer on it. It’s like the Creole seasoning of diseases.

But cancer’s day in the sun may be coming to a close, according to some nerds at Gizmodo. Take it away, poindexters:

An article in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science explains that a new treatment—based on an antibody that blocks a “do not eat” signal normally displayed on tumor cells—helps persuade the immune system to destroy the cancer cells. To date, it’s been shown to shrink or cure human breast, ovary, colon, bladder, brain, liver, and prostate tumors that have been transplanted into mice.

Well, awesome. This all seems pretty conclusive. So when can I expect to be able to run down to CVS and bitch that they only have the grape-flavored chewable cancer pills, when everybody knows that tasting grape is only slightly better than having cancer to begin with? A year? Year and a half?

Sadly, it will be some time before such a drug makes it to clinical practice. But with the researchers having just received a $20 million grant to move the findings from mouse studies to human safety tests, you can expect progress to be as quick as possible.

So, yeah, this is never happening. Throw it on the pile of amazing breakthroughs science has come up with that rich people will make absolutely certain we never see, like solar cars or robot servants or a toaster that can toast both sides of the bread evenly JUST FUCKING ONCE. Seriously, that is bullshit. I pay my taxes, at least those owed to bodies whose authority I recognize. Stop shooting my breakfast in the foot, America. Really, you could make a pretty solid case that I’m the only actual victim in all of this cancer stuff.


Source: Gizmodo