This Day in Death

6.11.15: WWE Wrestler Dusty “The American Dream” Rhodes – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:33 pm June 12, 2015

DUSTY_RHODESRhodes’ “American dream” persona was an impassioned testimonial about how a regular working class joe, with perseverance and a rock solid work ethic, might someday get the chance to irreparably shatter his tibia falling twenty feet onto a pressboard table. That was always my favorite verse of America the Beautiful.

 

Look, I don’t understand professional wrestling. I’ve really tried, but I can never seem to figure out if I’m supposed to be disturbed or amused or baffled or a little turned on or what at any given time. One moment I’m watching a couple of greased-up beefcakes settle their differences by clotheslining each other, just as the Founding Fathers intended, and we’re all having a ball. It’s nothing but joy and laugher from the crowd while these guys dramatically shorten their lifespans for our entirely disposable entertainment. It’s absolutely absurd, and I think I get the satire, and I’m 100% on board. Then Brock Lesnar, the most terrifying man on the planet, walks out with a penis tattooed on his chest like he was the first one to fall asleep at the cruelest slumber party of all time, and I’m not supposed to laugh because this shit is serious all of a sudden. Well excuse me, but someone decided to decorate an emotionless monster like he was the Superman of Turkish bathhouses, I’m gonna get a titter out of that.

Or let’s take a look at the recently deceased Virgil Runnels, aka Dusty Rhodes, aka “The American Dream”:

DUSTY_RHODES_2

What the hell is even happening here? Are the polka dots supposed to represent some kind of evolutionary natural defense, like he can trigger your epilepsy as a last resort? Was he supposed to be a bumblebee and the tailor fucked up the pattern? Or is he a reverse leopard, with yellow spots on a black body? That last one would make a lot of sense aesthetically, since a pasty, lumbering biped with that kind of body weight distribution is pretty much the exact opposite of  the regal and lithe leopard, but is that really considered menacing? You know what wrestling uniform would really intimidate your opponent in the ring? A finely-cut Italian suit paired with a bold power tie. It screams, “Don’t mess with me, I’ve got money and privilege and can easily afford some pretty luxurious bedsheets!” Granted, it probably won’t breathe super well, but this is more of a psychological game you’re playing at now so I can’t imagine you’re gonna have to get all sweaty or anything.

 

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