This Day in Death

9.19.13: Former President of Nintendo Hiroshi Yamauchi – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:22 pm September 23, 2013

HIROSHI_YAMAUCHIAh, the ’90s: Truly the height of barrel roll-based gaming.

 

Former President and CEO of Nintendo Hiroshi Yamauchi has died at the age of 85. He slipped off of an ice-covered platform inexplicably located next to a bottomless abyss. That’s just shoddy city planning, why are there not fences around those things? I told you guys not to elect King Toadstool, but all you people seem to base your vote on is how hot the candidate’s daughter is. You brought this on yourselves as far as I’m concerned.

So what exactly did Yamauchi contribute to the world of Personal Recreational Home-Based Video Amusement Gaming (©)? Plenty, I’m sure, but apparently not nearly enough for the folks at Digital Trends, who opted to deliver bizarrely-inflated accolades via some sort of linguistic Rube Goldberg machine. Alright, motherfuckers! LET’S! GET! TENUOUS!

Try this one: If there is no Hiroshi Yamauchi, he’s not there to hire his family friend’s son, Shigeru Miyamoto. Thus there’s no Super Mario Bros. If there’s no Super Mario Bros., then a teenage programmer named John Carmack will never build the groundbreaking engine for his PC that emulates the background scrolling in Super Mario Bros. 3. If he doesn’t make that engine, he doesn’t make Wolfenstein 3D and Doom with his friends. If he doesn’t make those games, the first-person shooter boom never happens.

Oh, come on. If you’re gonna backtrack like that you can’t just pick your inception point of choice and claim everything radiated out from there. You’d have to take this particular thread at least as far back as Thomas Edison, and that guy didn’t know dick about video games. Seriously, what a loser: Over a thousand patents and not a one of them involved strategically jumping over crates or energy packs that restore failing health on contact. Why’d we even bother making that asshole Emperor of America anyway?


Source: Digital Trends

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9.12.13: Audio Pioneer Ray Dolby – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:19 pm September 17, 2013

RAY_DOLBYMan, it sure takes a lot of skill and equipment to faithfully reproduce the sound of Bruce Willis pretending to act in 7.1 surround. But, you know, doing the Lord’s work is its own reward.

 

Ray Dolby, the audio pioneer who founded Dolby Laboratories and definitely had about a million girlfriends in high school, died last week at the age of 80. Cause of death is being reported as leukemia, but it was probably mixed with a little psychological stress brought on by his failure to develop and commodify the brown note. What the hell is wrong with this country when I have to manually control my own bowels instead of blasting my coccyx with an ultra-powerful sonic gun like a civilized human being?

Blind me with science, Block Quote! Wait, sorry, that was the other guy. You know what, screw it, just do the thing anyway.

In the 1960s, when magnetic tape was coming to prominence as a recording medium, “tape hiss” seemed to be an inevitable part of the listening experience. It was a problem that plagued all types of magnetic tape formats, from open-reel to audiocassette.

Dolby and his team invented a recording (and playback) process that greatly diminished the unwanted noise.

Dolby’s breakthrough would later be applied to feature films and soon become an industry standard until digital production made the noise-reduction process unnecessary, gradually eroding Dolby’s significance in modern technology. The same thing happened with the internet and porn, and now clammy-handed old men in drug stores buying multiple polybagged copies of Screw just look weird. There was a time when parents would proudly point those men out to their children, promising that they, too, could grow up to do the same if they stayed in school and never moved out of the attic. Damn you, technology! Will nothing stop the cursed deathmarch you call “progress”?!

 

Source: Time

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9.8.13: Car Salesman Cal Worthington – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:54 am September 12, 2013

CAL_WORTHINGTON“Hello, we’re a man in a cowboy hat and a tiger. So… how would you like to give me your money today? Nuthin’ doin’, huh? Oh man, you are a tough sell, my friend. Alright, did I mention the tiger is wearing roller skates? Haw, I thought that might change your tune. 1961 Dodge Lancer it is!”

 

Cal Worthington, the most likely insane West Coast car salesmen who risked life and limb filming ads with everything from gorillas to elephants to aging, once-relevant rappers, died on Sunday. Worthington’s commercials were incessant, filming and airing up to 40 different ads a week despite pleas from Californians to just them them watch their Three’s Company in peace already. But no relief was in sight, because, in America, you can only annoy us so much before we can’t resist making whatever huge purchase you’ve asked of us. It’s how they got me to buy 3,000 crates of HeadOn. I don’t even get headaches! Ha! I’ll be in debt for the rest of my life!

In relentless campaigns that treated television viewers to as many as 100 commercials a day, Mr. Worthington proclaimed the virtues of the latest gem on the lot while, for example, strapped to the wing of a soaring biplane or standing on his head on the hood of a car — a visible demonstration of his motto, “I will stand upon my head until my ears are turning red to make a deal.”

Ah, that’s gooood crazy. Even if you never saw Worthington’s ads you’ve most likely seen the ripple effect throughout the decades, like those commercials in the ’80s where Ronald McDonald promised to “put a Jew in space” if it would sell you a Quarter Pounder. Nobody was quite sure why that was supposed to be a selling point, but damned if his enthusiasm didn’t end up moving a lot of burgers.

 

Source: The NY Times

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9.5.13: Rochus Misch, Hitler’s Last Surviving Bodyguard – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:47 pm September 11, 2013

ROCHUS_MISCHIt’s pretty well accepted that Hitler destroyed the popularity of the toothbrush mustache, but few ever comment on how the Führer also ruined the then-thriving jodhpurs industry as well. Third Reich? More like the First Reich… of Style!

 

Hitler’s last surviving bodyguard, Rochus Misch, has died at the age of 96. You know what this means: You done got yourself fucked now, Adolf! Call the Allies and let’s get that circus-loving son of a bitch yesterday! Jesus, why are the newsreels not all over this? Typical liberal media, with their dictator-protecting and their Arts & Leisure sections and their hybrid vehicles. If God wanted us driving around in electric cars he wouldn’t have hid all of that oil in those dinosaur bones. Waugh!

The former SS man had operated the telephones in the bunker and had proudly reminisced about his wartime duties for the “boss”.

He had called Hitler “a very normal man… he was no brute, he was no monster”, according to the Associated Press news agency.

[Misch’s Jewish daughter Brigitta Jacob-Engelken] added she could not understand why her father, who remained loyal to Hitler to the end, was not more critical in his reflections of Nazi history.

Dude, I dunno. Old people, they hang onto things. My grandpa’s watch stopped one evening in 1987 and to this day he still insists it’s 6:45 PM. The doctors call it dementia, but if you ask me he’s just being stubborn.

 

Source: BBC

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9.1.13: Boxer Tommy Morrison – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:30 am September 6, 2013

TOMMY_MORRISONHOLY CAT BALLS WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING HERE?! *That’s* boxing?! I always assumed it was, like, you know… aggressive hugging. Did… did they just knock each other’s facial features off? Is that how Foreman lost his hair?

 

As my regular readers (aka Viagra spambots) know, I don’t do sports posts too often. That’s mainly because it brings up too many painful memories of the scandal that ended my promising dressage career. In my defense, nowhere in the rulebook is it clearly stated that you’re *not* supposed to throw away your horse after each use.

Regardless, we’re covering the death of boxer Tommy Morrison today, and definitely not just because I got confused and thought Toni Morrison had died. Uh. That is to say, who’s Toni Morrison? If her work happens to be that of some master storyteller who illuminates the human condition with equal parts glorious wonder and devastating, jet black sorrow, all set against a backdrop of the tarnished American dream, well, that’s simply not something you’d ever find in my mancave, I can tell you that much. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s high time I tune my widescreen television unit to the ESPN. If I have to go one more minute without checking the score results of my favorite local sport groups I’m totally gonna spill my alcoholic beverage all over my sporting jersey blouse.

Morrison won his first 28 professional fights, beating faded champions such as Pinklon Thomas along the way. His career reached its apex in the summer of 1993 with the unanimous decision over Foreman, then in the midst of a comeback, to claim a vacant title.

Morrison claimed to be a grandnephew of John Wayne, which is how he got the nickname “The Duke.” If I were a boxer I’d probably go with a nickname that’s not so much intimidating as it is completely inexplicable, like “Ruby Sandwich” or “The Outdated Courtship Ritual” or something. That way, while my opponent is trying to figure out what my name might mean, I could throw some dirt in his eyes, which should cause enough chaos to allow me to steal some sweat towels and beat a hasty retreat. That’s why they call boxing “the Sweet Science.”

 

Source: ESPN

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8.31.13: Sir David Frost – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:42 am September 4, 2013

DAVID_FROSTHey, guess who I never knew had been knighted: Bill Gates. Of course, it was rescinded following the release of Windows Vista, but for three glorious months that man got free luxury shampooing at any car wash in the greater Yorkshire area.

 

Journalist, comedian and author Sir David Frost is dead this week after suffering a heart attack while on a cruise ship, proving what I’ve always said: Shuffleboard is entirely too stimulating. All those disks sliding every which way, who wouldn’t get a bit of a contact high?

Frost is perhaps best known for his 1977 series of interviews with former President Richard Nixon, which became increasingly contentious and, on the final day of taping, actually devolved into a hand-tied knife fight, a la the “Beat It” music video. Unfortunately television stations in the UK chose not to air that part and instead opted for a marathon of British comedy series A Right Cracking Dobber. It was no What’s All This, Then?, but it had its moments.

There are plenty of talk show hosts today who are quick witted and convivial, and there are still a few who do long, serious interviews about world affairs with statesmen, not just starlets.

Mr. Frost did it all, on both sides of the ocean, and made it seem effortless.

A true talent and a sad loss. But this does, however, bump me up the list of most esteemed living journalists who also tell jokes (or at least manufacture a joke-like paste in blog form). You’re next in my sights, Stewart, Colbert, and whoever’s currently hosting Weekend Update! Wait, it’s not Bobby Moynihan, is it? I really don’t know what to do about that guy’s face anymore. Stop making me think I saw John Belushi out of my periphery, kid!

 

Source: The NY Times

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