This Day in Death

6.19.13: James Gandolfini – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:09 am June 20, 2013

kinopoisk.ruJust for the record, the fact that Tough Guy Actors Playing with Farm Animals still isn’t a show on Animal Planet is the reason I’m disappointed in America. James Gandolfini counting baby ducks! Vin Diesel helping a momma sheep give birth! We could be watching an alpaca getting a bath from The Rock right NOW, what is wrong with you people!?


James Gandolfini, whose name I have no reason not to assume means “son of Gandolf” in Elvish, died suddenly yesterday of a possible heart attack at the age of 51. For six seasons Gandolfini starred in HBO’s The Sopranos, which, for those of you who never watched, predates Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and Arrested Development as one of the first ever television shows to make your coworkers get all uppity with you for not watching. Get off my back, Linda! I’m not watching some stupid show about a bunch of dumbass opera singers, I’m a goddamn man.

Mr. Gandolfini, who had studied the Meisner technique of acting for two years, said that he used it to focus his anger and incorporate it into his performances. In an interview for the television series “Inside the Actors Studio,” Mr. Gandolfini said he would deliberately hit himself on the head or stay up all night to evoke the desired reaction.

If you are tired, every single thing that somebody does makes you mad, Mr. Gandolfini said in the interview. “Drink six cups of coffee. Or just walk around with a rock in your shoe. It’s silly, but it works.”

Or try writing a deathblog that nobody reads unless they want to bitch at you for being insensitive about the sax player from Men at Work dying under objectively bizarre circumstances. That shit feels like having splinters in your bloodstream 24 hours a day. Or so I’m told. By my less successful deathblogger friends. At our meetings. That we have. Regularly.

Source: The NY Times

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6.9.13: Author Iain M. Banks – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:00 am June 18, 2013

IAIN_BANKSSeriously, man? The *same* gloves? Just throw your clothes away after wearing them once, like a normal person. This looks like some sort of Howie Mandel-esque OCD issue, and if there’s one thing me and my inexplicably skyrocketing wardrobe budget know, it’s dangerous sociological habits.


Sad news for people who own books that aren’t just hollowed-out decoys used to hide drug paraphernalia, as Scottish author Iain Banks died last week of gall bladder cancer. In 1987, after publishing several mainstream fiction books, Banks began writing darkly comedic sci-fi novels under the name Iain M. Banks. The decision was made after his publisher told him that Not Terry Pratchett wasn’t a viable pseudonym. Alright, sorry, I guess I shouldn’t mock him. Dude could afford a superfluous ‘I’ in his first name, he must’ve been doing *something* right.

Banks announced his illness on his website on 3 April, writing “I am officially Very Poorly” . With trademark black humour, he said he had asked his partner Adele “if she will do me the honour of becoming my widow”.

Man, European writers sure love their clever wordplay. It always comes off so haughty and judgmental. I bet a guy like Banks wouldn’t even be interested in hearing about all of the Limp Bizkit songs that I ghostwrote, but if you put the third verse of “Nookie” up against any random passage from Catch-22 you’d have your work cut out for you trying to figure out which was which.


Source: The Guardian

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6.7.13: Night Stalker Richard Ramirez – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:50 pm June 11, 2013


RICHARD_RAMIREZThere sure is a lot of clothing with this guy’s stupid face on it. What happened to good old fashioned t-shirts about sailors’ butts and whether or not they happen to drive the wearer nuts?

Richard Ramirez, the satanic serial killer whom the media dubbed the Night Stalker, died on Friday of an exceptionally unsatantic case of liver failure. I don’t know what was in the water in America from the 60s through the 80s, but for whatever reason we figured it was a good time to go ahead and create real-life supervillains with fucked up gimmicks like the Night Stalker and the Manson Family. It was so much like a Batman comic that we even had John Wayne Gacy dressing up like the goddamn Joker. But unfortunately we never got a Bruce Wayne in the real world. Hell, we never even got a Moon Knight. The closest thing to a superhero we ended up with was Phoenix Jones punching loiterers in the neck and then recuperating at a 24-hour Starbucks. Oh, and Bill Gates giving away billions of dollars and spending the rest of his life in a mud hut in the African savanna attempting to cure every disease ever, but where’s the pizazz in that? He doesn’t even wear a costume! What a dork!

“This person hurt many people, and our thoughts should be with the next of kin and survivors of these senseless attacks,” said L.A. Deputy Dist. Atty. Alan Yochelson, who prosecuted Ramirez. Yochelson said that although the state did not execute Ramirez, who was still pursuing appeals, “some measure of justice has been achieved” because he had to live out his life behind bars.

I try to keep things marginally respectful here, which is why I always wear spats while writing these posts, but this is the rare occasion where I can say whatever I want about the recently deceased.  No one outside of suburban teenage goth girls with A Nightmare Before Christmas tattoos is gonna come to this turd’s defense, so I’m free to openly mock that stupid Jim Morrison haircut that makes him look like the kind of guy who hangs out at flea markets airbrushing pythons and bikini babes onto ’77 Camaros. But I just can’t. After so many years of writing this site (one, I guess), I’ve just gotten used to a gentler approach. I’ve failed you and gotten soft, like when that Blue’s Clues guy first got out of prison and went into television. He left the Colombian prostitute smuggling community in a real lurch.

Source: The LA Times

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6.3.13: New Jersey Senator Frank Launtenberg – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:18 pm June 5, 2013

 FRANK_LAUTENBERGIt’s posts like this that make me regret committing to this whole ‘funny caption’ thing. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? I may as well have been looking up pictures of actual white bread.

Frank Launtenberg, senator from New Jersey (the only state where you can major in Body Odor), died on Monday of viral pneumonia. No word yet on what will happen to Launtenberg’s proposed “Alla Them Stukachs in Newark Should Get Beat the Fuck Down in a Fuckin Hurry” bill. I’m really not sure that was even within his jurisdiction, but the legislative process will sort it out, I guess.

Let’s see what those jamooks over at The New York Slimes have to say about this.

[Lautenberg] pushed through a provision to establish a national drinking age of 21, a measure that threatened to cut 10 percent of a state’s federal highway money if it did not comply. He argued that the change would save lives by ending “a crazy quilt of drinking ages in neighboring states” and prevent those under 21 from driving over “blood borders” to get drunk and then try to drive home.

And yet Lautenberg sat on his hands when it came to kids crossing borders to attempt the infamous Michigan Bottle Deposit Scam. Godammit, the Great Lakes State could be hemorrhaging untold dimes in revenue even as we speak! I should watch, like, a lot less tv.


Source: The New York Times

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5.31.13: Jean Stapleton, Star of “All in the Family” – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:42 am June 3, 2013


JEAN_STAPLETONStapleton, seen here signing away her power of attorney to a half-eaten egg salad sandwich. Wherever you find your happiness, lady.


Jean Stapleton, best known for portraying hot grandma Edith Bunker on All in the Family, died of natural causes over the weekend. Like many of you, my parents claimed Stapleton’s image on television as my legal guardian so as to allow them ample enough time to secure the finest ethers that state-issued welfare checks could buy. Together we learned a lot of great lessons about loving your fellow man and knowing the proper time to stifle oneself. Stapleton also served as inspiration for my pee-wee football team, The Doting Dingbats. Oh, what’s that? Your parents didn’t leave you with a good-natured fictional stand-in? Well, I guess some of us just grew up in more caring homes than others. That’s probably why there are so many socially maladjusted weirdos out there nowadays.

“All in the Family” was one of television’s most popular shows as it broke ground while tackling a host of social issues such as racism, sexuality, life and death. Edith Bunker, played by Stapleton, for instance revealed that she had breast cancer on the show, a rare occurrence at the time.

All in the Family also introduced the world to everyone’s favorite air force piloting, jazz keyboard playing, high school out-dropping, unmarried loner Sherman Hemsley. There’s really not anything I didn’t love about that show. Well, the pilot episode where Archie was originally a Grand Wizard for the Ku Klux Klan might’ve been a little excessive, but you gotta give the writers some time to fine tune these things.

Source: CNN