This Day in Death

1.7.13: David R. Ellis, Director of ‘Snakes on a Plane’ and ‘Final Destination’ – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:29 pm January 8, 2013

DAVID_R_ELLISEllis, seen here during his brief tenure as a G.I. Joe villain.


David R. Ellis, the director of Final Destination and Snakes on a Plane, is dead today at the age of 60. This is mostly notable because it turns out that Final Destination and Snakes on a Plane did, in fact, have a director and were not simply the result of strapping some Go Pros onto the backs of a couple of receis monkeys and lettings things sort themselves out. Alright, sorry. I’m just bitter because Ellis torpedoed Kenan Thompson’s budding film career. Dammit, after Good Burger that kid has paid his dues! At some point doing “What’s Up with That?” every week is just gonna get sad.

Ellis’ directing credits include Shark Night 3D, The Final Destination, Cellular and Final Destination 2. He also worked on such films as Misery, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and Waterworld. Ellis began his Hollywood career as an actor in the 1970s before moving into stunts and directing.

Well, if you were playing Six Degrees of Waterworld, there’s your in. And I haven’t seen Shark Night 3D yet, but it scoring 16% on the Tomatometer can mean only one thing: We, as Americans, still have not gotten over our prejudices against sharks. Honestly, I thought we were a little more progressive than that. Hell, the fact that only 2% of Hollywood is openly Selachimorphic is frankly kinda sickening. They’re just people, like you and me.


Source: USA Today

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12.28.12: Shiesty Comic Book Convention Promoter Rick Olney – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:34 pm January 4, 2013

RICK_OLNEYComic Book Podcaster Pro Tip: Discarded jizz socks make excellent windscreens!


If there’s one thing I know, and conservative estimates suggest there is, it’s that there is no danker corner of the pop culture dungeon than the comic book convention circuit. It’s mostly just Frank Miller calling people rapists in-between trying on fedoras and not doing anything decent for the past 25 years. That, and She-Hulks whom I have a sneaking suspicion are only wearing green makeup.

Despite already being a cellar of lies and body odor, controversial convention promoter Rick Olney made few friends in the industry. Olney was allegedly guilty of a litany of offenses, including copyright infringement, unpaid talent fees, and constantly having to leave to go to his second job as Larry the Cable Guy’s Delta Farce stunt double.

Oh, and he’s dead, by the way. If I didn’t mention that this post wouldn’t make a lot of sense, really. Journalism!

My own dealings with Olney were cordial, if bizarre, and his account of my attendance at one of his cons was not accurate in the least, but he didn’t rip me off the way he did others.

Seriously, this was the nicest first-hand account I could find. I tried to be fair here and that’s the best I could do. So there you go, epitaph makers of America: “Rick Olney: He Never Punched Me in the Balls or Nuthin’, So There’s That.”

Source: Comicsbeat

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1.1.13: Singer Patti Page – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:24 pm January 3, 2013

 PATTI_PAGELook, I don’t have time to read the whole thing, is there a chapter on covering up boners or isn’t there?!


Singer Patti Page, known as the “Singing Rage,” is dead today at the age of 85. Unfortunately her nickname isn’t referencing an uncontrollable anger problem, which is too bad because I’m really into that. If I wanted to meet well-adjusted women I wouldn’t be trolling Marilyn Manson fan forums for dates with aging goth chicks.

You may know Page best from her song “(How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window,” a bit of treacle that capitalized on the brief post-war period when Americans would buy literally anything at all. Spotify it if you want, but I can save you the trouble by just telling you that it’s the sonic equivalent of putting water in your cereal because milk is “potentially too ethnic.” Seriously, if any non-white people ever find out about that one they’ll never talk to us again. It’s the most shameful thing in white American history. Yes, I know what I said.

With a husky, often alluring voice, Ms. Page was a superstar of the post-World War II era. It was a time when American celebrities still resembled girls and boys next door and when chart-toppers were manufactured to appeal to listeners of all ages.

Innocuous as her music was, Page did play a key role in one major technological advancement. It’s pretty interesting, if you’re a goddamn nerd:

Ms. Page was said to have been the first pop vocalist to use overdubbing – a technology still new in the late 1940s that allowed Ms. Page to be her own backup singer. She first employed the technique in her single “Confess,” which featured jazz guitarist George Barnes.

Over a decade later, the Beatles would push the concept of overdubbing to new extremes, creating their most layered and experimental work despite just the four of them performing on most tracks. This idea would reach saturation point when Eddie Murphy played eight roles in Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, the negative response to which bankrupted the fatsuit industry and led to the economic crisis that we’re still working our way out of today. Thus concludes the major arc of the Theory of Western Civilization course that I designed for Harvard University.


Source: The Washington Post


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12.27.12: General “Stormin’ Norman” Schwarzkopf – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:33 pm January 1, 2013

NORMAN_SCHWARZKOPFGrenadian resistance forces were stunned when, during the US’s 1983 invasion, Gen. Schwarzkopf successfully managed to discharge several live rounds from his finger gun. No, I made that up. It’s just silly.


Retired military general and Chris Farley job creator “Stormin’ Norman” Schwarzkopf died last week, due to complications related to pneumonia. A key figure of the Persian Gulf War in the early 90s, Schwarzkopf found himself in the public eye as the first military figure to be part of the then-emerging 24-hour news cycle. And by “news cycle,” I of course mean 2 hours of actual reporting, 4 hours of getting screamed at by an ideological zealot, 4 hours of getting passive-aggressively screamed at by the other kind of ideological zealot, 6 hours dedicated to finding out which celeb might be sporting a baby bump, and 8 hours of a live feed from that channel that just shows aquariums.

Virtually unknown to the public before the Persian Gulf War, Schwarzkopf became a household name while he oversaw the buildup of 700,000 coalition troops, including more than 540,000 U.S. forces, after Iraq invaded Kuwait in 1990.

The war began on January 17, 1991, with the start of the nearly six-week air campaign against Iraq that was followed by a 100-hour ground offensive that pushed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein’s forces out of Kuwait.

Schwarzkopf also challenged the notion of the violence-obsessed military leader, saying to Larry King in 1992 “I never wanted a war” and “absolutely, I hate war.” Convincing Americans of that must’ve been a bit of a tough hurdle, considering how deeply ingrained that stereotype had been in people’s minds. Plus, you know, he had “war” right there in his last name. That’s why I had to change my last name from Von Sexjaguar. My mom still hasn’t forgiven me for that but I’m sick of being pigeonholed.

Source: CNN

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