This Day in Death

9.26.12: “Sons of Anarchy” Actor Johnny Lewis – DEAD! And a Murderer. This… This is Gonna be Rough.

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:54 pm September 28, 2012

 I felt pretty weird about putting a picture of a murderer up here, so instead here’s the cover of the 1994 Jake Busey/Carla Gugino vehicle Motorcycle Gang. “Let’s capitalize *all* of the words to let people know what a good film it is!” someone must’ve said.

I haven’t watched Sons of Anarchy. It seems like a solid show, but I just can’t take motorcycle gangs seriously since being exposed to that walrus-looking guy from American Chopper. That guy looks like a flesh sack filled with ground beef. Sorry, but if the prospect of bearing witness to both Ron Perlman’s killer caveman brow and Katey Sagal’s shockingly graceful aging in the same show can’t make motorcycles cool again then nothing’s gonna get me on board. But I’m glad you people are enjoying yourselves.

Unfortunately, like sending crudely-drawn nude portraits of Turanga Leela to Katey Sagal’s house, something that was intended to be thoughtful and artistic took an ugly and special investigationy twist on Wednesday when Johnny Lewis, who played Half-Sack in SOA, up and murdered an elderly woman before accidentally killing himself.

Lewis was renting a room from Davis, who owned a sprawling hillside home that she advertised as a “villa” for actors and writers. On Wednesday morning the troubled actor smashed into Davis’ living quarters, ransacking furniture and bludgeoning the elderly woman to death, police said. She was also strangled and her cat dismembered.

Lewis then attacked a neighbor and a house painter — bashing them with a two-by-four and a paint roller — before climbing to the roof and falling to his death.

Look, I’m not gonna try to make any kind of statement about anything here. This whole mess is extremely unpleasant and you shouldn’t be turning to some dumbass blogger to make sense of these kinds of things in the first place. Really, we can only be certain of one thing right now: I would still very much like to engage in activities of a sexual nature with Katey Sagal. That’s sorta a major through-line of this whole post and I didn’t want it to get lost in the shuffle.

Source: NY Daily News

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9.25.12: Andy Williams – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:42 pm September 27, 2012

During the 80s, when both men were experiencing career slumps, Andy Williams and Robert Evans were forced to share a single leathery face.

On Tuesday, “Moon River” crooner Andy Williams died after a year-long battle with bladder cancer. He was 84. For most people Williams was never considered too culturally significant, probably because those idiots at the Olympics still refuse to acknowledge crooning as a legitimate sporting event. Tell that jive to Bing Crosby and the serious groin damage he did during the recording of “Just a Gigolo.”

But if nothing else Williams at least deserved some credit for having the work ethic of a Japanese mule. I’m allowed to say that without it being racist because I used to date an Asian girl.

Eventually growing weary of touring, he decided to settle in Branson.

When he arrived in 1992, the town was dominated by country music performers, but Williams changed that, building the classy, $13 million Andy Williams Moon River Theater in the heart of the city’s entertainment district and performing two shows a night, six days a week, nine months of the year.

In all seriousness, Branson sounds like the most boring place on earth. It’s an entire town dedicated to the kinds of activities nursing homes use to keep old people in constant stasis, gently swaying between overstimulation and death. It’s like if Disneyland added a whole section where all the rides were about abstinence and tort reform.

Source: The Chicago Tribune

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9.17.12: Queen Elizabeth(‘s Hand-Washer) – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:10 am September 26, 2012

Pretty impressive until you realize that most of those jewels are actually Jolly Ranchers.

So I guess Queen Elizabeth had an official hand-washer, because that’s the kind of dry, goofy shit that British royalty find funny and that the rest of us have to pretend is clever. It’s like the time Prince Charles knighted half a bowl of Yorkshire pudding. The whole thing seems pretty stupid to me, but keep in mind: I *do* huff an awful lot of paint thinner.

Peter Houison Craufurd – who held the title Washer of the Sovereign’s Hands – performed the role when the 86-year-old monarch was in residence at the Palace of Holyroodhouse, but he passed away last week aged 82, the Daily Telegraph newspaper reports.

Peter was tasked with being the royal’s hand washer after his ancestors’ vanquished men who were abusing King James V, so the monarch gave his family a farm and promised them they could keep it as long as they had water and towels at the ready to wash his hands.

In appreciation, Craufurd was also granted access to the Queen’s private collection of snuff films. It’s one of those things you don’t necessarily start out looking for, but once you stumble onto it you wonder how you ever did without.


Source: Monsters and Critics

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9.10.12: CIA Operative Edwin P. Wilson – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:49 am September 25, 2012

I don’t care what anyone says, that was the worst Menudo lineup ever.


Former CIA operative and business tycoon (the best kind of tycoon) Edwin P. Wilson has died as a result of complications suffered from heart valve replacement surgery. Wilson was convicted of selling arms and explosives to Libya, which is apparently illegal. Look, if you fat cats in Washington don’t want regular joes like me and Edwin here trafficking deadly weapons to the Middle East then maybe you should make a list of which countries we can sell them to and post it somewhere where we all look, like next to the sink or something. We’re not psychic.

His preferred habitat was a hall of mirrors. His business empire existed as a cover for espionage, but it also made him a lot of money. He had the advantage of being able to call the Internal Revenue Service and use national security jargon to get the details on a potential customer. And if the I.R.S. questioned his own tax filings, he terminated the discussion by saying he was a C.I.A. operative on a covert mission.

That’s also a good way to get out of speeding tickets or pot busts. And if that doesn’t work you can always challenge a cop to a best-of-three game of Rock Paper Scissors and he legally has to agree to it. It’s all in my new book, Stuff the High School Students I Hang Out with Swear Totally Works. Those kids are alright.


Source: NY Times

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9.23.12: Week-Old Panda Cub – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:25 am September 24, 2012

The cub’s mother on the pandacam, which is a camera that shows video *of* pandas, and not a camera actually made *from* pandas. Names are confusing.


So a giant panda cub that was born in the National Zoo a week ago died yesterday morning, but I don’t want you sending me your bummed out emails about it. I don’t control who dies. The fact that there’s nothing on this site about Dax Shepard should attest to that. Seriously, his first name is actually Dax and he’s not even an extreme skateboarder or a member of the X-Men or anything.

A necropsy was being conducted to determine the cause of death, and preliminary findings were expected Monday, said Suzan Murray, the zoo’s chief veterinarian. The cub showed no external signs of trauma, she said.

The panda cub did not yet have a name, in keeping with Chinese tradition, and it was too young for its gender to be discerned. It all suggests that the cub could’ve faked its death to remain off the grid. My uncle did the same thing and now he heads up a successful militia cell. I’m just saying it happens, is all.

At the zoo’s panda-themed gift shop, Diana Salguero, 24, of Manassas, Va., was trying on a headband with panda ears when she learned from a reporter about the cub’s death.

“I want to cry right now,” she said. “I’m heartbroken. I’ve been excited all week. That’s why I came out today.”

Yeah, that reporter sounds like an Geraldo-level dick, just roaming the countryside looking for the best way to ruin people’s day. You couldn’t at least wait for her to take off the headband, you fucking ghoul? It’s probably the same guy who told me that Toni Inggs is “probably a tranny anyway.” Fine, I can work around that, just let me believe in love again!

Source: Huffington Post

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9.18.12: NFL Films President Steve Sabol – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:25 pm September 19, 2012

Looks like you won for everything but modesty, S-bolz.

So the president of NFL Films Steve Sabol is dead today, but I’m practicing being coolly aloof to impress a girl I like. Whatever, let’s just go to the block quote, I guess.

In 1962, Steve’s father Ed made the winning bid to shoot the NFL championship game. The longtime amateur cinematographer called his son, then a football player at Colorado College. “I see from your grades that you’ve been doing nothing but playing football and watching movies,” the elder Sabol told his son. “But that makes you uniquely qualified for this new position I have in mind.”

Hey! That’s kinda like how I got this blogging job! Except that I was playing Tetris, and most of the movies I was watching were at least tangentially associated with Joanna Angel, but the meat and potatoes of our stories are shockingly similar. My dad even gave me the money for this site, although I told him it was gonna be about scriptural analysis and just haven’t answered his phone calls ever since. Sigh. Some days it doesn’t seem like Mitch Albom is *ever* gonna write that book about my life.

Within the next few years, the Sabols aligned their professional futures and creative passions with the league as the men behind NFL Films. And through the decades, every possible innovation in football film and video — nearly every possible innovation in sports film and video — came from their fertile minds. Without their vision and hard work, pro football would not be nearly as popular as it is today.

They brought quality narration to sports highlights with the great voices of John Facenda and Harry Kalas. They brought grand, sweeping orchestral music to the form with the great compositions of Sam Spence. They made us laugh at football with the Follies series, which debuted in the late 1960s and was always Films’ most popular product. They turned the Super Bowl into an international sensation with their yearly highlight packages, and elevated sports film to high art with countless documentaries and longer-form projects.

So… is it safe to say that the Sabols can be partially blamed for the transformation of sporting events into this weird quasi-religious cultural orgy of product endorsements and artificially drawn-out postgame programming, and are therefore the reason why we always had to rejoin The Cosby Mysteries when it was already in progress? The payoff at the end of the episode doesn’t have any impact if I didn’t get to see the set-up, dillweeds!

Source: Yahoo!

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9.2.12: Rapper Jew’elz – DEAD (After Ironically Tweeting “YOLO”)!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:03 am September 17, 2012

I couldn’t find/didn’t look for an image of Jew’elz, but PaRappa used to ride dirty as fuck.


Look, I don’t know who Erwin McKiness, aka Jew’elz is, you don’t know who he is, but I’m a big fan of ironic deaths, so here we are. It’s just like the time I wrote about Teddy Roosevelt being shot by a bear. Lord knows how he got his furry paws on that trigger, but credit where it’s due: He definitely had an agenda.

The San Bernardino Sun reports that Erwin McKiness, 21, Tweeted the ironic and foreshadowing phrase “YOLO” — or “You Only Live Once,” popularized by Canadian rapper Drake — just before he and his friends died in what police believe to be an alcohol-related accident on Sunday, September 2.

For the uninitiated (read: people with jobs), YOLO is the hot new phrase that all the young idiots are saying. It’s like Keep on Truckin’ mixed with Fuck the Police and a little twist of Dream Out Loud, minus the stuffiness of Live Your Best Life.

 “Drunk af going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO” wrote McKiness, just 20 minutes before the fiery 1:40 a.m. crash.

I’ve read this story a hundreds time and it never dawned on me that “af” wasn’t supposed to be “and” but instead stood for “as fuck.” And people knew this. It’s just a thing that people are aware of. Seriously, what Learning Annex course are you guys taking to know this kind of thing?

Source: LA Weekly

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9.12.12: Catholic News Service Film Reviewer Henry Herx – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:53 pm September 13, 2012

Howzabout putting that combover up for review, Herx? SLAM! Wait, he’s dead. That was kinda mean.


Henry Herx, film reviewer for the Catholic News Service and the closest thing we had to a real-life Ned Flanders, died yesterday at the age of 79. That is, if you think you can honestly call yourself a film reviewer despite completely ignoring the cinematic oeuvre of Max Hardcore. Look, I’ve only got one fistful of quarters, Herx; Am I seeing Max World 7: Tube Steak Boogie or am I seeing Girls from Butthole Ridge? This has been a fun post to research.

“It’s time to get a little more serious about the art of what they’re doing instead of the self-indulgent twaddle that comes out,” he said in an interview upon his retirement.

This does not bode well for my new film, Self-Indulgent Twaddle. It’s about ex-cop Frankie “Hogwash” Twaddle, coming out of retirement to solve the one case he could never crack: His own murder!!! You try looking McG in his sad puppy eyes and telling him he doesn’t get to direct that.


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9.7.12: Dorothy McGuire of the McGuire Sisters – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:39 pm September 12, 2012

And people said that sewing three women together and calling it a vocal act would never work. It’s a human centipede… of talent!


Dorothy McGuire of the McGuire Sisters, seen above in what I have to assume was a performance from Macbeth (that’s right, it’s an intelligent reference, crack a book sometime), is dead today from Parkinson’s disease and dementia. So I’m once again forced to learn about someone I’ve never heard of before. Which is hard for me, because I have the cognitive retention of a guinea pig. The doctors say it’s a medical marvel, “but not in the good kind of way.”

The McGuire Sisters were as well known for their matching outfits and hairdos as for their vocal harmonies, which helped them earn six gold records between 1952-68.

And they even talk in unison! At all times! It’s not creepy at all!

Source: Rolling Stone

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Death Hoax II: Morgan Freeman – HANGING ON!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 2:07 pm September 10, 2012

Freeman, seen here winning the award for Most Morgan Freeman. I guess he just wanted it more than you, Morgan J. Freeman.


Oh Christ, again? Are you really gonna make me start the week out like this? Have you people really lowered the bar to the point that “notable person continues to live” is what I have to lead off with? Oh, no, don’t worry about it, that’s huge for traffic. Why, who can forget the time I ran that story about how Ellen Cleghorne enjoyed a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast and proceeded to not get food poisoning even a little tiny bit? It’s really what put this blog on the map. Fuck. FUCK!

Anyway, Morgan Freeman isn’t dead. I mean, I’m sure he’s kinda dead on the inside from Evan Almighty, but nobody involved could escape that vortex. Steve Carell actually lost his eternal soul to the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl as a result. But no, Freeman is physically still with us. Although it’s worth acknowledging that he won’t be around forever. I hope Google’s already finished recording and digitizing Freeman’s voice so that I can someday hear my search results read in his warm, buttery tones. It should really re-energize the stagnant process of finding and categorizing the best Russian tranny porn.

Supposedly there was also a 50 Cent death hoax, but nobody heard about that because it hasn’t been 2004 for eight goddamn years.

Source: Gossip Cop

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