This Day in Death

8.12.12: Legendary Comic Book Artist Joe Kubert – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 11:02 am August 14, 2012

“For fuck’s sake, I’m not gonna draw anyone humping, what is wrong with you people?”


Legendary comic book artist Joe Kubert is dead today. Mourning has led America’s dweebs to declare a temporary ceasefire in their never-ending feud with the nerdlingers, an across the aisle gesture we haven’t seen since 1996, when both factions signed an accord declaring that Rob Liefeld should “suck a duffel bag full of dicks.” No love lost between those guys, is what I’m saying. Let’s just go to the block quote from those dinguses at SuperHero Hype.

Kubert began drawing comics at DC Comics way back in 1943, including an extended run on Hawkman during the Golden Age of comics that made him one of that character’s signature artists, as well as drawing some of the most influential war comics of the ’50s and ’60s most notably G.I. Combat, which featured Sgt. Rock (his other signature character), Enemy Ace and the Haunted Tank.

The Haunted Tank! And it’s not even like it’s a metaphoric tank or any kinda misleading bullshit like that. It’s an actual tank that’s haunted and goes around tanking the shit out of things that get in its way. If it hadn’t been created before I was born I would be certain someone just stole the sketchbook I kept when I was twelve. Thankfully nobody’s ripped off my other flagship character, “Machine-Gun Woman with Like a Hundred Boobs.” She’s one third machine gun, one third woman, and one third unrealistically depicted.



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8.6.12: Kavna, the Whale that Inspired “Baby Beluga” – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:17 am August 13, 2012

“So that’s how, in a way, I think we’re all whales.”


Hey! A whale just died! Not just any whale, though, because who gives a shit about some dumbass, run of the mill, plebeian sea mammal, right? No no no, *this* was a tangentially famous whale! Specifically, it was Kavna, the beluga whale that inspired the hit Raffi song “Baby Beluga”! And now she’s dead. Dead and gone, forever. It’s all part of my “Fuck Your Childhood” series of posts. This may or may not be representative of why people have stopped answering my phone calls.

“She had a profound impact on me,” [Raffi] told Canadian radio station News 1130. “[Kavna] came out of the water and placed a gentle, graceful kiss on my cheek and I couldn’t stop talking about it for a couple of weeks! That encounter inspired the song “Baby Beluga,” and as I like to say, the song set the whale free.”

Except for the part where she wasn’t set free at all. Sorry, but “Hurricane” couldn’t get Rubin Carter out of prison and that song was eight and a half minutes long with a badass gypsy fiddle in it. And a lot of swearing. I doubt that Michelle Tanner’s favorite lullaby is gonna raise the gate at the aquarium. That’s right, somebody’s finally taking Raffi down a couple pegs! Your soothing ballads extolling environmental responsibility have been allowed to thrive unchecked just long enough!

(P.S. Here’s a video of Raffi singing new lyrics to “Baby Beluga” urging people to vote in the 2011 Canadian election. I know a lot of people make fun of Canada, and say things like, “Oh, Canada sucks” or “Canada is just a culturally vacant expanse of milquetoast nobodies who will inevitably be crushed under China’s bootheel the second anyone remembers they even exist” or “I’d live in the impact crater left behind after a plane drops all of its solid human waste from the sky before I’d so much as look in the direction of that SARS-addled moose farm of a country,” but at least they don’t have P. Diddy and 50 Cent trying to scare their citizens into voting. Also, they have Wolverine. Point: Canada.)

Source: People

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8.6.12: Composer Marvin Hamlisch – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:36 am August 10, 2012

So… no one else is gonna say it, huh? Fine, I’ll do it: Lesbian Colonel Sanders. Great, now I just feel bad about myself.

Composer Marvin Hamlisch is dead, and that’s kind of important because apparently people still listen to this music stuff. Pfft. What was wrong with sitting alone in a quiet room waiting to die of scurvy? We did that for ages and it worked out perfectly fine in the imaginary reality I just thought up.

Mr. Hamlisch had a long association with Barbra Streisand that began when, at 19, he became a rehearsal pianist for her show “Funny Girl.” Yet he told Current Biography in 1976 that Ms. Streisand was reluctant to record what became the pair’s greatest collaboration, “The Way We Were,” the theme from the 1973 movie of the same name in which Ms. Streisand starred with Robert Redford.

Mr. Hamlisch had his second-biggest pop hit with “Nobody Does It Better,” the theme from the James Bond film “The Spy Who Loved Me,” written with the lyricist Carole Bayer Sager. Carly Simon’s recording of the song reached No. 2 in 1977. Thom Yorke, the lead singer of the band Radiohead, which has performed the song in concert more recently, called it “the sexiest song ever written.”

“Uh, I’m standing right here,” said “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Boy, this just got really awkward.

Hamlisch also composed “Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows,” which was specifically designed to be the song that your brain would blare inside your head to let you know when you’ve finally lost your mind. I’m all for that, personally. I was really getting sick of the guesswork.

Source: The New York Times

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8.7.12: Film Critic Judith Crist – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:54 am August 9, 2012

It may be too soon to ask, but does this mean we can sneak a Hancock sequel out the backdoor now? GODDAMMIT I NEED CLOSURE!


Film critic Judith Crist is dead today, which means I have one less person judging me for buying that Carnosaur box set. Look, the first one is actually pretty good and I only like the rest ironically anyway. Whatever, you guys are assholes.

The critic really poured it on for Cleopatra, the budget-busting historical epic that starred Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton and was overwhelmed by the actors’ off-screen love affair. “At best a major disappointment, at worst an extravagant exercise in tedium,”

It’s like you’ve been reading the exit surveys I give to the girls I sleep with. Ha! THAT’S A SELF-BURN! Did you know that I haven’t won a single award for this blog yet? Moving on.

…dismissing Taylor as “an entirely physical creature, no depth of emotion apparent in her kohl-laden eyes, no modulation in her voice, which too often rises to fishwife levels.”

Her conclusion: “The mountain of notoriety has produced a mouse.”

…uh, meow, I guess. I have next to no idea what the hell any of that is supposed to mean. How does a mountain produce a mouse? Was there a fire sale at the Metaphor Components store? And is a fishwife, like, a mermaid? Also, how could Taylor’s voice rise in level if it shows no modulation? Did Crist ever write for TMZ? Did I just start reviewing a review? You guys, I think this post just got me super high.


Source: Entertainment Weekly

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8.1.12: De’Andre McCullough, Inspiration Behind “The Corner” and “The Wire” – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:27 am August 8, 2012

Gold teeth? Well obviously life couldn’t have been treating him *that* badly…

At this point I haven’t watched “The Wire” simply out of spite. Oh, it redefined serialized drama, huh? The best series on television, you say? Well I’ll never know about all that, since your impotent rage at my ignorance is way more rewarding than the actual product could ever hope to be. How’s that feel, every coworker I’ve had in the last four years?

Anyway, the guy who partially inspired the show, De’Andre McCullough, has died. Surprisingly, he did not die of a brain hemorrhage while trying to remember how to capitalize his name. Seriously, my shift key looks like it was in a meteor shower.

The man whose life was the focus of ‘The Corner,’ a book about a year on a drug-plagued Baltimore street corner,

Also known as “every Baltimore street corner.” Carry on.

has died of a suspected drug overdose.

De’Andre McCullough, 35, was found dead by his girlfriend at a home in the Baltimore suburb of Woodlawn just before 6.30pm on Wednesday, according to police.

The 1997 book was written by former police officer Edward Burns and reporter David Simon, who went on to create the HBO series ‘The Wire.’ ‘The Corner’ was also made into an HBO mini-series.

De’Andre was very special and very talented, but he could get in his own way quicker than his shadow,’ Donnie Andrews, who inspired the ‘Omar’ character on ‘The Wire’ and married McCullough’s mother, told The Baltimore Sun.

Ugh. Between the real life relationships and the fictional analogs this story just got way too tangled for me. It’s the same reason I refuse to date girls with hyphenated names. You mean your name is Ann and Marie? And I have to remember both? So, what, do you celebrate two birthdays or something? Baby, I don’t think this is gonna work out.

Source: The Daily Mail

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7.29.12: The Olympic Flame – TEMPORARILY DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:34 am August 6, 2012

The speed with which NBC forces me to remove this image is directly proportional to how popular this blog is. We’re, uh… we’re still waiting. But I know that Cease & Desist is on the way. I can *feel* it, you know?


So I guess the Olympic flame went out last week, but I haven’t been paying attention to the Olympics since I have access to the internet and, therefore, literally millions of things that are way more exciting and intellectually stimulating. Like these videos of people prank calling C-Span. Or, failing that, I could go look for rocks that resemble celebrities, try to induce sex dreams by falling asleep with porno on in the background, or shave off my hair and attempt to make a smoothie out of it. All of these things would be a much better use of my time than sitting through 40 minutes of cell phone commercials to see some Nigerian run for 14 seconds. And why isn’t NBC even covering the Puppy Olympics? Don’t try to tell me it’s because there’s no such thing as the Puppy Olympics. There’s also no such thing as a human being who finds “Whitney” entertaining but it doesn’t stop them from hiring methadone patients to keep writing it.

According to millenary tradition, the flame has to burn inside its cauldron for the duration of the game. It went out this Sunday, 11:14pm London time.

Thankfully, it was not accidentally extinguished by London’s perpetual rain. It had to be extinguished for security reasons before the cauldron was moved to a new location. Before unceremoniously turning off the gas, they lit up the torch that was used by Mr. Playfoot [editor’s note – Tee hee!] to relight the cauldron this morning.

I guess the Olympics just doesn’t command the same solemn gravitas that it used to. I blame the unusually high standards set by Leni Riefenstahl’s groundbreaking directorial techniques, mainly because I took a film class once and I’ve been waiting to get that reference out there for years.

By the way, this is probably the last time I’ll be linking to a story about a topical event. They tend to make me look bad, largely due to being repeatedly conned by those Onion articles. If they didn’t expect people to believe they’re real then they should really state that every couple of lines. How the hell am I just supposed to *know* that Reagan hasn’t come back from the dead to lead the GOP? I’m not a goddamn political analyst here.


Source: Gizmodo

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7.31.12: No Use for a Name’s Tony Sly – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:55 pm August 3, 2012

Sly graduated from the Faith + 1 school of Not Looking at the Camera While Your Picture is Being Taken. Whatever he’s thinkin’ about must be deep as SHIT. (EDIT: Looks like this is actually bandmate Joey Cape. Literally the only physical difference is the sideburns.)


Tony Sly, former frontman of punk group No Use for a Name, has died at the age of 41. No specifics on his death were given. I could probably make some phone calls and maybe turn up some more info, but frankly I don’t care much for this blog. I find it to be in poor taste. Why can’t it be positive *and* funny, with good values for today’s young people, I always wonder.

Sly joined the San Jose, Calif.-based No Use for a Name in 1989. The group achieved minor mainstream success with the song “Soulmate,” from their 1995 album Leche Con Carne. Band members came and went, and Sly focused more on his solo acoustic career in later years, but the group had been working on a new studio album since 2010.

Obviously Sly’s most revered work will always be his time with No Use for a Name, but it’s admirable that he was willing to move on rather than risk becoming an old man comically out of his age bracket. If Ice Cube or the Sex Pistols were any less intimidating nowadays they’d be co-headlining a stage show with the Wiggles. Maybe Johnny Rotten could play an angry shopkeeper who comes to realize the value of friendship. Oh, that would just be darling!


Source: NY Daily News

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7.31.12: Author Gore Vidal – DEAD!

Filed under: Uncategorized —James @ 9:07 am August 2, 2012

In the mid-80s, Vidal embarked on a brief career as a cartoon supervillain.

Author and social activist Gore Vidal has passed away due to complications from pneumonia. His death marks what I am declaring the most significant passing of a guy named Vidal in 2012. So you can cram it in sideways, Sassoon. It was a close race, but in the end I made my decision the way I make all of my important decisions: By picking the guy whose name most makes him sound like a member of GWAR. It’s how the Founding Fathers decided who got to sign the Constitution, you know.

Annnnd I am officially out of name jokes. I guess it’s time to look at… *sigh*… the facts. Block Quote, try not to bore me too much:

His works included hundreds of essays, the best-selling novels “Lincoln” and “Myra Breckenridge” and the Tony-nominated play “The Best Man,” a melodrama about a presidential convention revived on Broadway in 2012. Vidal appeared cold and cynical on the surface, dispassionately predicting the fall of democracy, the American empire’s decline or the destruction of the environment. But he bore a melancholy regard for lost worlds, for reason and the primacy of the written word, for “the ancient American sense that whatever is wrong with human society can be put right by human action.”

How poignant. And now, as we do at the end of every post, let’s take a look at the actual bestsellers list from the New York Times, confident that the results will fully mirror the depth of Vidal’s thoughtful and passionate work.


How’s that feel, Literate America? This is what you’ve allowed to represent you. Where’s your snobbish pride now? And how about this little gem:

God. Reading is just awful. The next time someone tries to pull out that fallacious “books > television” lecture on you just print out this list, staple it to their pretentious forehead, and settle in for that Parking Wars marathon. Sure it’s garbage, but at least there’s no chance of anyone finding it on your coffee table.

Source: The Washington Post

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7.27.12: Norman Alden, Allegedly Notable Person – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:06 am August 1, 2012

Pictured: A man who existed [citation needed].


Let’s just… let’s just get right to this.

Norman Alden, an instantly recognizable character actor who recurred on TV series including “My Three Sons” and “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman” and sported more than 200 credits in film and television, died of natural causes in Los Angeles on July 27. He was 87.

Admittedly, that’s quite prolific, but I’m still not putting anything together here. Either this guy was the goddamn invisible ninja master of film or I’ve been huffing too much Rustoleum. Keep ’em coming, Block Quote…

Alden guested on a vast array of series, including “The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show,” “The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin,” “Perry Mason,” “The Untouchables,” “Bonanza,” “The Smothers Brothers Show,” “The Mod Squad,” “Kung Fu,” “Gunsmoke,” “Alice,” “Dallas,” “The Rockford Files,” “The Dukes of Hazzard,” “Love Boat,” “Fantasy Island,” “Falcon Crest” and “Murder, She Wrote.”

His other appearances on the bigscreen included roles in Jerry Lewis films “The Nutty Professor” and “The Patsy,” Sonny and Cher starrer “Good Times,” “Tora! Tora! Tora!,” “Kansas City Bomber” (he had once skated in roller derby), “Semi-Tough” (he was the football coach), “Back to the Future,” “Ed Wood” (he played Woods’ cameraman), “Patch Adams” and “K-PAX.” In “Back to the Future,” he played Lou Carruthers, owner of a diner in 1955 and of an aerobics center in 1985.

Well, okay. The Back to the Future thing, maybe… I’ll be honest, that entire resume looks like stuff I *should* recognize but absolutely do not. I feel like I pissed off an elderly indian shaman and woke up in some parallel universe where everything is mostly the same but just a bit off. I half expect to see fish flying through the sky and then learn that our holiest tradition is getting together with our families to watch Bicentennial Man every Christmas. Is there something, anything at all that I can definitively place this man in?

A celebration of the life of Norman Alden, voice of Aquaman, will be held in Los Angeles in August and another in Fort Worth, Texas in September.


A celebration of the life of Norman Alden, voice of Aquaman


voice of Aquaman



Oh thank God. Thus concludes the least notable entry I’ve ever written. No offense to Skippy Jeffers or whatever his name was, I’m sure he was the perfect blank template for “ruggedly handsome actor,” but I’d probably get more hits from writing about that horse at the fair that plays Tic Tac Toe. Believe you me, that horse is gonna be HUGE one day.

Sources: Variety and The Inquisitr

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