This Day in Death

7.13.12: Sage Moonblood Stallone – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:11 pm July 16, 2012

I like to believe Death was actually looking for Russel Brand. That’s called a silver lining.

 

Sylvester Stallone’s 36-year-old son was found dead on Friday, but I’m only getting around to writing about it now because I spend most of my weekends in a sensory deprivation tank. It’s supposed to calm me down and open my mind to new ideas, which has mostly translated into an almost fanatical appreciation for Jethro Tull flute solos. Money. Well. Spent.

Sage Moonblood Stallone, who surprisingly was not a weapons merchant in World of Warcraft, got his start appearing in “Rocky V” before becoming more invested in smaller film projects later in his life. This has been my way of performing my due diligence before just going back to making comments about his awesome name. Seriously, it sounds like the name you’d give to a 13th century warlock, or the alter ego of a Rob Liefeld superhero. If Sage Moonblood Stallone could’ve had a child with Ferdinand A. Porsche I think the only name that could possibly live up to expectations would be Thor Knifeface Cockenstein. Sigh… Well, aside from the unpleasant business about Stallone’s tragic and untimely death this story has just been a delight for me.

Some reports suggested Sage may have overdosed on prescription drugs. But his friend and lawyer, George Braunstein, said Sage never showed any signs of drug use or addiction, and didn’t even drink.

His final hours are also murky. Some published reports suggest he may have been dead for three days or longer by the time his body was found. But Braunstein believes that couldn’t be true, saying photos of Sage at home were posted to his Facebook page just 17 hours before he was found.

And that’s why it’s a smart idea to post photos of yourself constantly, no matter how generic, unexciting and generally asinine they appear to be. It’s just another example of how 14-year-old girls are setting examples for us all to live by. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go try and figure out what “Dream Out Loud” is supposed to mean. This should be a not at all uncomfortable Google search experience.


Source:  People

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7.10.12: Maria Cole, widow of Nat ‘King’ Cole – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:27 pm July 13, 2012

I know it says “Ebony” but I’m almost certain this is actually an issue of “Black People Mocking White People” monthly.


Singer and pianist Maria Cole, more commonly known as “Funky Cole Medina,” has died at the age of 89. Cole was the widow of famed singer Nat ‘King’ Cole, who died in prison while serving 20 back-to-back life sentences for illegal claims of royalty. Okay, fine, that didn’t happen, but that kind of stuff really smudges my scepter.

After her husband’s death, Maria produced a James Baldwin play, sang on The Ed Sullivan Show, created the Cole Cancer Foundation and was active in charity work.

Not to steal thunder from the Cole Cancer Foundation, but this is a good segway into telling you about James’ Kidz. It’s a charity that’s designed to teach underprivileged kids how to use WordPress and generate humorous posts under the webmaster’s name so that he may take longer, more regenerative midday naps. I’m telling you, these kids are hungry for web traffic. Web traffic and food, but mostly web traffic.



Source: Gospel Connoisseur

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7.11.12: Marvin S. Traub, Bloomingdale’s Impresario – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:33 am July 12, 2012

Damn, sexy mannequin biker chick… how you livin’?



Well, if you had Bloomingdale’s impresario Marvin S. Traub in your deathpool then you’re gonna be a very rich man next week. Also, you’re a goddamn cheater.

Traub is the man responsible for rebranding Bloomingdale’s into a luxurious fashion-conscious shopping destination in the 1970s and 80s. Essentially, Traub and his ilk are the reason that regular ol’ Frankie Feedbags like you and me aren’t allowed into upscale department stores anymore, just because we make our own shoes and prefer to use catheters in public despite no medical requirement to do so. It’s like my “Coexist” bumper sticker doesn’t mean jack to those stuffed shirts over at the Fashion Bug.

Block Quote; kindly escort me out of this paragraph before I cause a scene:

One of the most creative retailers of his era, Mr. Traub made Bloomingdale’s synonymous with luxury, introduced many of the world’s best-known clothing designers and created a national chain that acquired a reputation for status-conscious merchandising and chic interior moods that dazzled the eye.

In the boom times of the 1980s, Mr. Traub added branches on the East Coast and in Florida, Texas and California. Princess Yasmin Khan, Robert De Niro, Barbra Streisand and Faye Dunaway had charge cards. Long before Old Navy T-shirts, women wore panties marked “Bloomies.”

Wow. That… doesn’t sound appealing in the least. That may just be the reason why nobody had sex in the 80s. I had just assumed it was because of all the BeDazzling. The glamour, she blinds me!



Source: NY Times

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7.9.12: Frogs Co-Founder Dennis Flemion – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:50 am July 11, 2012

“Fuck/Marry/Kill: 90s Alt. Rock Edition” is the hardest game since Contra.

 

Pitchfork is reporting that Dennis Flemion, percussionist and co-founder of influential weirdo rock act The Frogs, is dead. And you know they were influential because the news forced Pitchfork’s editors to break their strict policy of only publishing stories about Frank Ocean. Because eventually you’re gonna love that guy whether you want to or not, America.

Dennis Flemion of cult heroes the Frogs is missing and presumed dead, Matador Records’ Matablog has announced. The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reports that the 57-year-old resident of West Allis, Wisconsin went missing after going for a swim on a lake in Racine County on Saturday. (Thanks to Joseph Kyle for the tip.)

Alright, well, it turns out he *was* dead, but keep in mind the Pitchfork article was posted before that was confirmed, and I maintain that they were jumping to conclusions there. Odd disappearances seem totally in keeping with Flemion’s entire lifestyle. The fact that a guy in a Bee Gees wig and blackface who wrote songs about golden showers went out one night and didn’t come back for a few days is about as much of an unsurprising non-story as my stealing batteries from the display tv remotes at Best Buy; It’s just something that’s gonna happen and generally the smartest thing to do is just let it take its natural course. A guy like Flemion could’ve been busy planting unicorn seeds or building a rocket ship powered by homoeroticism to fly to the planet Zlig14, a magical world of abandoned inhibitions where anything goes. Those things can take up whole months of your time if you’re not careful. Believe me.

By the way, if you’d like to purchase my new children’s book, “Let’s All Go to Planet Zlig14: A Child’s First Homoerotic Space Adventure,” then there’s something fucking wrong with you, man.



Source: Pitchfork (who are totally denying that they ever liked Lana Del Ray. We’ve got six months’ worth of articles to the contrary, motherfuckers!)

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7.8.12: Ernest Borgnine – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:12 pm July 9, 2012

“SATAN IS LOVE.”

 

Actor, terrifying clown, and Simpsons guest star (Ha! Pocket knives.) Ernest Borgnine is dead today at the age of 95. Arguably Borgnine’s most well-known performance was as Quinton McHale in McHale’s Navy, for which he narrowly beat out Werner Klemperer to win the 7th Annual Award for Comedic Portrayal of Militaristic Incompetence in Television. We have… a lot of award shows.

Also, and I haven’t dug into this too much yet, but I think I may have the only humor site that has repeated use for a “renal failure” tag. For that I thank you, Ernest Borgnine and Pastor Chris Oyakhilome. Who knew a decrease in glomerular filtration rate could be such a comedy goldmine?

Unlike most actors of the era who started young, and worked their way up through the system, Borgnine got his start relatively “late,” giving the profession a try in his early 30s, when he came back from serving in the Navy in World War II. After starting on the stage, and landing a few roles on both the big and small screen, Borgnine scored his big break, landing the aforementioned role in “From Here To Eternity,” and it was that gruff turn that became a calling card of sorts. He nabbed a small role in Nicholas Ray‘s “Johnny Guitar,” and bigger parts in Robert Aldrich‘s “Vera Cruz” and John Sturges‘ “Bad Day At Black Rock.”

He also got divorced four times, because that’s just something people in Old Hollywood used to do to pass the time until we invented technology. It was either that or play that game with the hoop you push around with a wand. Ugh. The past was the shittiest time period *ever.*

Source: IndieWire
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7.4.12: Comedic Actor Eric Sykes – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:28 am July 6, 2012

Cause of death has not yet been released, but I’m willing to bet that having his skin surgically replaced with a sun-dried tomato didn’t help matters much.

 

Oh, British humor! Where getting a turkey stuck on your head is instantly made sophisticated because you’re wearing a suit, and comedy troupes can get 45 episodes out of walking in an exaggerated fashion. Now that I’ve thoroughly exhausted my knowledge of European culture, it’s my duty to inform you that comedic actor, author, and sentient hipster glasses display rack Eric Sykes is dead today.

Block Quote, explain why I just don’t “get” it:

Sykes, who has died at the age of 89 after a short illness, is probably best remembered for the acclaimed Sykes And A… television series with Hattie Jacques.

Sykes wrote the scripts for the programme in conjunction with Johnny Speight, the man who created Alf Garnett.

In his heyday, he was also writing scripts for stars including Peter Sellers, and Frankie Howerd.

He co-wrote 24 episodes of radio comedy The Goon Show with Spike Milligan.

His humour was always gentle and warm-hearted. He invariably steered away from smut and had little to say in favour of modern comedians, whose bawdy repertoire entirely failed to appeal to him.

I would assume that’s why the article describes Sykes as the “gentleman of comedy,” which comes across waaay too soft. Comedy, like life, is supposed to be about throwing out the rules and challenging the status quo for some vaguely rebellious reason. Take me, for example: I just put croutons in this bowl of rotini despite the fact that the picture on the bag clearly indicates that they’re intended for use on salads. But I don’t care, because I’m not some conformist slave being whipped into submission by the oppressive corporate arm of Big Salad Topping. LENNY BRUCE 2012, MOTHERFUCKERS!


Source: Irish Examiner (I always assumed an Irish Examiner was a gynecologist who got paid in Guinness.)

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6.30.12: Former Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir – DEAD! The TDiD 100th Post Blognniversary!

Filed under: Uncategorized —James @ 9:21 am July 5, 2012

Well, thanks for the enthusiasm, but now I just feel bad for not being able to get through your Wiki entry.

 

Today’s cheap excuse for me to just say whatever the hell I was gonna say anyway is former Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir. But we don’t have time to get bummed out today, because this marks the TDiD’s landmark 100th post, not counting the four times I erroneously reported on the passing of Hugh Downs. What can I say; We’re long overdue for someone to get shot in the dick with a harpoon and then immediately be devoured by a pack of hyenas, so I took an educated guess.

Point is, everyone who said I’d never stick with this thing past the first week can report to the backside of my pimp hand, toot suite. How’s that feel, parents, members of local clergy, and back-talking house pets? Who’s the morbid, antisocial loner trying desperately to mask his clinical depression and self-loathing by mocking the suffering of others now? No, YOU forgot to take YOUR Wellbutrin this morning!

Anyway, since the 100th is the novelty feature anniversary, I got you a “Random Post” button. It’s on the sidebar there, and it’s just one of the many tools you can use to try and pinpoint the exact post where I stopped caring. Hint: His name rhymes with Click Dark.

 

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7.3.12: Andy Griffith – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:11 am July 4, 2012

“Holy shit this is boring. Does the internet still not exist yet?”


Andy Griffith, who portrayed two iconic television characters in Andy Taylor and Ben Matlock, died yesterday at the age of 86. If you don’t know why the man’s work was significant, it should be noted that the act of whistling was invented solely for The Andy Griffith Show. Sure, you hear it all the time now, but no one had ever thought to do that before.

And if you wanted to attend Griffith’s funeral you’ll have to be content with writing it into your bizarre fan fiction because he was buried less than five hours after dying:

…Griffith died Tuesday after an unspecified illness and “has been laid to rest on his beloved Roanoke Island,” the family said in a statement.

But the speed with which the public learned of his death and was informed of his burial seemed especially fast, according to some observers.

“It’s not very common,” said Larry F. Stegall, executive director of the state’s Funeral Directors Association. “I don’t recall having heard of it, and I’ve been here 32 years.”

Mmkay, that’s a little weird, I guess. It’s like his family was in a hurry to say their last goodbyes for some reason. Hang on, lemme check something…

Yup. Don Knotts died a few years ago, George Lindsey went in May, and now Andy Griffith is gone. That means the Aztec Prophecy of the Triad is complete and we should all get ready for a billion years of pestilence, massive tectonic shifts, and all bodies of water spontaneously turning into pig’s blood. I actually started this blog to try and give you guys a heads up about that, but then I saw two squirrels fighting outside my window and got pretty caught up in how that was gonna shake out. By the time I came back inside I’d kinda forgotten about all that, but now that I’ve explained myself I see no need to place blame on anyone.


Source: CNN

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6.27.12: “My Three Sons” Star Don Grady – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:51 am July 3, 2012

Photo source: A very confusing recurrent dream I used to have.

 

Actor and composer Don Grady is dead today, because cancer pretty much gets to spend all of its time calling us pussies and nobody seems to do anything about it. Grady starred in the long-running sitcom My Three Sons, which, nearest I can tell, was a show about white people discussing different ways to part their hair. BET still airs it on Friday nights, under the title Honky Patrol. In the 60s and early 70s ABC and CBS managed to milk that motherfucker for a baffling 380 episodes. 380 episodes! How do you sustain the concept of “white people doing white people shit” for that long without grasping at some seriously desperate plot twists? I guarantee by the last season most of those episodes were about capturing magic pixies or blasting off to alien planets in a spaceship powered by subtle racism.

Born Don Louis Agrati in in 1944, Grady was best known for his role as the middle son on the long-running series, which co-starred Fred MacMurray and William Demarest. Grady wrote some of the episodes and performed some of his own songs.

He appeared in a number of TV series, including “The Ann Southern Show,” “Zane Grey Theater,” “The Rifleman,” “The Lucy Show” and “Simon and Simon.”

Grady, who was signed to a composing, writing and singing contract by Capitol Records when he was 19, went on to a career as a composer following his TV career.

Grady also composed the smooth jazz opening theme for the Phil Donahue show in the 90s, a decade when an alto sax solo was considered legal tender. For instance, in 1992 a three-bedroom house cost the intro to Night Court. It was a simpler time. A simpler, economically incomprehensible time.

 

Source: MSN.com

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6.11.12: Thriller, Michael Jackson’s Pet Tiger – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:09 am July 2, 2012

I couldn’t find a picture that I could confirm was Thriller, so instead here’s a black velvet painting of a tiger attacking Roy Horn. 

 

Hey, did you know that Michael Jackson owned a tiger named Thriller? Well, it doesn’t really matter either way, because he’s dead now. I hear Huey Lewis has a box turtle named Sports that’s doing okay, though.

[Actress Tippi] Hedren tells the Associated Press that an autopsy revealed that Thriller died of lung cancer on June 11. She says that Thriller and his brother Sabu were born in 1998 and lived with Jackson until 2006, when he left his Neverland Ranch.

I dunno, man. You know what pet *really* screams “pretentious weirdo”? Pygmy hippo. It’s this year’s sugar glider! Continuing…

Hedren took the two tigers in at her Shambala Preserve near Los Angeles at the insistence of Jackson’s veterinarian. However, Hedren says Jackson, who died in 2009, never called to check on the tigers or provide any money for their care after that.

Oh give the guy a break. Between not recording a new album and making ill-fated plans to build a giant robot version of himself to wander the deserts of Las Vegas it’s tough to find time to put in a phone call about your novelty pet’s well-being. I can’t even keep a houseplant alive and all I’ve got on my plate is donating plasma under assumed names. I don’t do it for the money, I do it for the challenge.



Source: USA Today. Sassy tiger image via Art by Jared.

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