This Day in Death

5.29.12: ‘Gumby’ Voice Actor Dick Beals – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:44 am June 14, 2012

“Alright, Pokey; Here’s another song about the glorious and imminent rise of the Aryan Nations.”


This one actually goes back a couple of weeks, but since I can’t monitor everything that happens in the world at all times it means that once in a while something slips through the cracks. If you think you can do better then why don’t you just start up your own website and steal all of my traffic and drive me to suicide and then cover my death on your clearly-superior blog? Because that would be an awful lot of effort on your part, and I can’t imagine you’re very ambitious if you’re spending your time here.

Now, if you’ll allow me to move past your disappointing lack of personal drive, I’ll get back to work and inform you that Dick Beals is dead. Beals voiced characters on ‘David and Goliath’, ‘Gumby’, ‘The Flintstones’ and other shows your grandpa assumes are still on the air.

The radio and television voice-over star whose work included the animated characters Gumby and Speedy Alka-Seltzer has died in Southern California. Dick Beals was 85.

A friend, Peter Gorman, tells the Los Angeles Times that Beals died in the northern San Diego County community of Vista.

Due to a glandular disorder, Beals’ voice hadn’t changed since childhood.  He made the most of it by using his childish, high-pitched voice to comfort kids and let them know that hanging out with a bizarrely flexible man of undisclosed background would lead them into a magical land of discovery. Whatever. I didn’t need a tv show to teach me that. I guess you could say I was just much more sophisticated than your average 7-year-old.

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

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6.12.12: ‘Goodfellas’ Mobster Henry Hill – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:29 am June 13, 2012

Sweet sweatshirt, broseph.


Hey, remember the mob? I mean, the mob that actually controlled something beyond third-rate pizzerias and basic cable reality shows? I don’t either, but Henry Hill, who was immortalized by Ray Liotta in “Goodfellas”, probably did. And now he’s dead, so I guess we’ll just continue getting our perception of organized crime from “Mob Wives” as those once-powerful empires continue to devolve into the kind of low-stakes buffoonery that would make Shemp Howard ashamed to be seen in daylight.

TMZ continued their war on proper punctuation with the following baffling lump of characters that they would like you to believe form sentences:

TMZ spoke with Hill’s girlfriend Lisa … who told us Hill passed away in an L.A. hospital Tuesday after a long battle with an undisclosed illness.

Lisa tells us, “He had been sick for a long time … his heart gave out.”

We’re told Hill had focused on mending relationships with estranged family members in recent years … and Lisa tells us he had made tremendous progress before he died.

Good lord, TMZ. Did syntax rape your parents or something? What the hell is that even supposed to be? Isn’t this shit your job? If it was professionally acceptable to just sub in characters that are tangentially related to the ones you’re supposed to be using then Ma$e wouldn’t be mowing lawns in my neighborhood for six bucks an hour. He does a great job, though. I’m not gonna take that away from him.


Source: TMZ

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6.8.12: ‘Green Acres’ Actor Frank Cady – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:03 am June 12, 2012

You don’t have to be a luddite to long for the quaint era of having a friendly local postman arrive on a bright Saturday morn to hand-deliver your Jimmy Johnson boner pills.


I’m really getting sick of all of the emails begging me to increase my coverage of elderly, obscure character actors from shows no one under the age of 40 has ever seen, so today I’m going to satiate all of your passionate and possibly insane desires.

Today, actor Frank Cady is dead at the age of 96. Cady was best known for playing Sam Drucker on Petticoat Junction, which, after a 17-hour TV Land marathon, I can confirm is not nearly as exciting as the title would suggest. Hard to believe it was legally considered hardcore pornography at the time. Cady then successfully Fraiser’d his Drucker character into the Petticoat spin-off Green Acres, where he played second fiddle to a goddamn pig. Seriously, an actual, literal pig. It’s like when John Goodman got second billing on Roseanne.

Reflecting on his TV career, Cady told the Portland Oregonian in 1995, “You get typecast. I’m remembered for those shows and not for some pretty good acting jobs I did other times. I suppose I ought to be grateful for that. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be remembered at all. I’ve got to be one of the luckiest guys in the world.”

Yeah, well, everyone has to deal with being pigeonholed. People expect one specific thing from you and can’t cope if you stray from it. That’s why the conversion of this blog into an archive for rare Hummel figurines will have to be a delicate and gradual process.

Source: Mercury News

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6.7.12: Fleetwood Mac Guitarist Bob Welch – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:39 am June 11, 2012

Not to be outdone, Rick Nielsen immediately began work on a 200-string guitar. Dozens of Mexican immigrants would perish during its construction.


Bob Welch, former guitarist with Fleetwood Mac, is dead today. I mean, he actually died a few days ago, but I assume it’s still technically true. Someone should maybe do a follow-up report and check in on that. You can never be too sure, I always say.

Although only playing with the band for five years, Welch played a significant part in shaping the sound that Fleetwood Mac would ride to a string of colossal hits almost immediately after his departure. And then he got snubbed when the band was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1998. And then he killed himself. This is like a one-page Encyclopedia Brown mystery.

Welch played guitar with Fleetwood Mac starting in 1971. He left the group in late 1974, just before Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks joined the group.

Nicks said in a statement that Welch’s death was “devastating.”

“I had many great times with him after Lindsey and I joined Fleetwood Mac,” singer Nicks said. “He was an amazing guitar player — he was funny, sweet — and he was smart.

“I am so very sorry for his family and for the family of Fleetwood Mac — so,so sad,” Nicks said.

Thoughtful stuff. I imagine Peter Frampton would’ve just tweeted, “oh no sad 4 u :( :(” and called it a day. By the way, those last characters aren’t gibberish, but rather an electronic representation of a sad face, which supposedly can only be viewed properly from a 90˚ angle. I’m having a vertical monitor installed tomorrow and will get back to you about this. Frankly I’m skeptical.


Source: CNN

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6.5.12: Science Fiction Author Ray Bradbury – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:24 am June 7, 2012

The author, seen here with Bush and one of the emotionless automatons Bradbury tried to warn us about.


From the “It Should’ve Been You, Dan Brown!” file, author Ray Bradbury is dead today. Probably Bradbury’s best-known work was Fehrenheit 451, also known as the book you have listed as one of your favorites on your OK Cupid profile because you haven’t read a damn thing since 10th grade. Seriously, The Perks of Being a Wallflower? You fucking asshole.

Sam Weller, Bradbury’s biographer and friend, said in a posting on his website Wednesday, “I’ll never see you again. I’ll never see you again. I’ll never see you again.

“The problem with death, you once said to me, is that ‘it is so damned permanent,’ ” Weller’s statement said.

Hey, wow. A comment about death! That actually relates pretty well to what I’m doing here for once. Don’t get used to that kind of synchronicity, though. Tomorrow I’ll be going right back to clumsily steering this shit into Home Improvement references.

Anyway, if you’ll allow me to dust off the tweed sportscoat I got with my degree, I’ll break this down for you: Bradbury’s contribution to the science fiction/fantasy genre is significant because he understood that the “science” part doesn’t give an author carte blanche to toss out character development or narrative structure. The story shouldn’t be treated like something to get out of the way before the 20-page sex scene between the space prostitute and the quick-witted hero who’s not at all an avatar for the author and/or his sexually-frustrated readers. Bradbury managed to balance fantasy with a humanistic eye that made his stories easy to relate to no matter how outlandish they became. Hell, even the covers of his books were tasteful and artistic, instead of the autistically-collated projections of hormone-driven teenage fantasies most of Bradbury’s contemporaries seem to favor. Look:

For comparison’s sake, here’s an average modern-day science fiction book cover:



Okay, I originally made that cover as a joke, but if I’m being honest with you guys it’s really starting to look like a pretty awesome book. You know, I dated a green chick once. She was a model, but she lived in Canada, so you never met her, and her parents didn’t want me to take pictures of her so that’s why I don’t have any pictures of her to post but if I did I would post those pictures and you could see how hot she was.


Source: CNN

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6.4.12: Trololo Guy Eduard Khil – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:07 am June 6, 2012

No, he’s not the same as the Enzyte Guy. I can understand the confusion, since both have caused me to develop painful erections for sustained periods of time.


Like most of you, I get the bulk of my news from YouTube commenters. For instance, you know who I just found out is gay? Everyone. Also, the consensus seems to be that my mother can be easily convinced to dispense sexual favors to whomever requests them. It’s gonna be an awkward Thanksgiving, but I think not knowing was the worst part, you know?

But YouTube isn’t all about my mom’s total lack of a moral compass. It turns out they have videos up there now, too. And Eduard Khil, that cheerful fellow up there, racked up millions of views based on nothing but a wordless song, a commanding baritone, and a smile that claims legal residency in the Uncanny Valley. The whole package was positively Steve Harveyian in its ability to raise your spirits and make you momentarily forget about the constant din of Skrillex songs and parole officers that make life barely worth absent-mindedly trudging through until you inevitably hang yourself with a fanbelt in an Amaco bathroom. The preceding sentence also applies to heroin.

Eduard Khil, known to most Western audiences as Internet star “Mr. Trololo,” died early Monday in St. Petersburg after suffering a stroke in April. He was 77.

Khil, a baritone who was popular in the 1960s and ’70s in what was then the Soviet Union, received a number of awards during his career, including the People’s Artist of Russia honor, but it wasn’t until a 1976 TV performance surfaced online in late 2009 and hit big in early 2010 that he enjoyed international fame.

“The death of the exceptional singer, Eduard Khil, is an irretrievable loss to Russian culture,” Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev said Monday in a statement expressing his condolences. “He was truly a people’s artist. Several generations of people loved his songs not only in this country but also abroad.”

If you check out the source link they’ve actually got a recent picture of Khil, but seeing him outside of that gauzy, gaudy video we’ve all been watching for so long is just jarring to me. In my mind he’s so locked into that one very specific scenario that anything different brings on some extreme cognitive dissonance. It’s like when I saw that porno Mr. Rogers did. I mean, the production values were wonderful, I just wasn’t prepared. God, this post has been filthy.


Source: The Los Angeles Times

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6.2.12: Actress Kathryn Joosten – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 11:05 am June 5, 2012

So was she, like, a sassy teacher in an 80s sitcom or something? Dude, I’m really trying here.


Alright, I’m not gonna lie to you guys, I have no idea who this person is. Normally I can fake it when that happens, but I’m trying a new “no research” approach to journalism. I expect big results. In the meantime, give me something to work with, Block Quote:

Kathryn Joosten, a character actress best known as the crotchety, yet lovable, Karen McCluskey on “Desperate Housewives”…

Urhm… no. No, not at all. That’s one of those shows that could run for a thousand years and I’ll never meet a single human being who’s ever seen it. The whole thing could just be a front for an Al Qaeda recruitment video and I would absolutely never get wise to it. What else you got?

…and the president’s secretary on “The West Wing,”

What was the first thing again?

Karen McCluskey on “Desperate Housewives”

Oh, right. Right. That thing… Listen, it’s pretty clear at this point that I have zero emotional attachment to this one, so let’s just throw in another block quote, then I’ll come back and say something snarky, and then we can all go home to our loved ones/housecats.

Joosten, who had battled lung cancer for 11 years, died Saturday at her home in Los Angeles, her publicist Nadine Jolson said.

Joosten “was surrounded by love and humor ’til the end,” her family said in a statement. “We are laughing through our tears.”

Joosten won two Emmy awards for her portrayal of Mrs. McCluskey, who kept a close eye on her Wisteria Lane neighbors on “Desperate Housewives.” The hit show ended its eight-year run on ABC last month with a series finale in which Joosten’s character passed away. Her character’s battle with cancer was a story line in the show.

So this seems like as good a time as any to mention that I hate the term “actress.” The word “actor” isn’t gender specific, so developing an explicitly female variation is stupid. You’ve never gotten sick and gone to see a doctress, have you? I mean, this is assuming women were allowed to become doctors, but as long as I continue my grassroots efforts to squash Prop. 14 this November we should be able to dodge that bullet.



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6.3.12: Family Feud Host Richard Dawson – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:08 am June 4, 2012

This is what happens when the 100 random people you survey all happen to be me.


If you’re having trouble mentally placing Richard Dawson in the pantheon of Family Feud hosts, he was the one that wasn’t fat, black, from Seinfeld, crazy, or Al Borland. Which just leaves creepy: Dawson’s deal was making out with every female contestant, which is all you’re going to see written about him since it’s the only thing anyone remembers about this stupid show. Goddammit, Family Feud was never supposed to be about sex. Louie Anderson proved that. It was supposed to be about the subtle feeling of shame when you realize you’re kinda hoping that the white family wins. Come on, let’s just admit it already. Everybody already knows we do that shit all the time anyway.

Dawson died Saturday at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center from complications related to esophageal cancer. The actor, who had been living in Beverly Hills, was diagnosed with the disease about three weeks ago, said his son Gary.

“The way he was on the game show was the way he was in real life,” Gary Dawson said Sunday. “He was always rooting for people — he not only wanted people to win, but to have a comfortable, great experience.”

“And tits. He wanted them to have tits as well,” he probably continued.

Also, I realize that I haven’t shown a picture of Dawson yet, but I’m not going to because I’d much rather post literally any picture ever taken of Steve Harvey. Watch this:

Seriously. Try to tell me you wouldn’t want this put into a syringe and injected between your toes every morning and I will kindly request you take the necessary steps towards fucking yourself, sir or madam. I don’t know exactly how you’re going to make that happen, but it’s really your problem now, not mine.


Source: Times Herald Record

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6.1.12: Guy Who’s Roommate Ate His Brains and Heart – OH SWEET CHRIST NO!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:55 am June 1, 2012

One quarter of a second. That’s for those of you with over/under bets on how long I can image search for “cannibal” before frantically closing tabs in horror.


So it looks like the new thing for young people to do is to kill and eat people. Remember when Rainbow Parties were supposed to have been a thing?

In yet another horrifying incident of human flesh-eating this week, a student in Maryland allegedly admitted to devouring his roommate’s brain and heart.

Alexander Kinyua, a 21-year-old Morgan State University student, admitted to murdering his roommate Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, who was reported missing last Friday, cops told the Baltimore Sun.

Goddammit. Ugh. Let’s just keep reading. There’s gotta be something funny in here somewhere. Hell, I once managed to spin a dirty limerick out of a Times article about tort reform, I can do this.

Kinyua’s father called police late Tuesday night when Kinyua’s brother reportedly found human remains — a head and two hands — in a metal tin in the basement. The brother and father left the room for a short time, but when they came back, the body parts had been moved and Kinyua was washing out the tin, the paper reported.

Officers searched the house and arrested Kinyua. The man allegedly confessed a shocking revelation: not only had he killed Agyei-Kodie by cutting him up with a knife and then dismembered him, he ingested parts of the victim’s brain and all of his heart. He then allegedly dropped most of the remains in a Dumpster behind a church in Joppatowne.

You know what? Fuck this shit. I didn’t spend three months at Blog Camp just so I could try to wring jokes out of some jackass Hannibaling his roommate. I may not have much, but I *do* have standards. Standards, and $95,000 in crippling debt from Blog Camp. Also, extensive research suggests that there probably isn’t any such place as Blog Camp, so I’ve already got a lot of things to get to the bottom of here. Point is, I’m invoking the rare TDiD Midstream Horse Change, an esteemed tactic that dates all the way back to the middle of this sentence. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

5.30.12: NBA Star Jack Twyman – LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!

That’s right! White people used to play basketball! And it was adorable!


Hey, you know what else happened this week? NBA star Jack Twyman died of cancer. Yup, plain old boring cancer. Nobody ate him, or pushed him down an open elevator shaft, or drove him to suicide by making him watch movies based on board games, or anything else cruel and unfunny. He just up and died. People were sad, and a lot of them said nice things about him, and I assume a funeral is being organized, where people will pay their respects and then go home and watch a couple of the Burn Notice episodes they have built up on their DVR, because that show isn’t good enough to watch immediately nor bad enough to stop recording. Because that’s how normal people die and that’s how people who aren’t Big Lurch deal with it.

Source: Huffington Post and

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