This Day in Death

5.30.12 – Martin Short’s Wife – STILL DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:32 am May 31, 2012

I don’t wanna look for a picture of Kathie Lee Gifford, nor do I want anyone who just sees the headline photo to think Martin Short is dead, so instead here’s a picture of a baby donkey just plain old not giving a fuck.

 

Kathie Lee Gifford is an unlikeable idiot, and it’s not just me saying that. Take a look at this quote from a respected internet source:

Kathie Lee Gifford is an unlikeable idiot

Wow. That seems pretty conclusive. So it really shouldn’t come as any surprise that Gifford didn’t find it necessary to confirm that Martin Short’s wife is still alive before spewing a barrage of comments at him about how awesome their marriage must be. Because what are the odds that a human being would be dead? Pretty astronomical, you’d probably think. Don’t feel bad, I would have assumed the same thing before starting this site. But apparently Gifford does not, in fact, have a death blog. Or a soul, for that matter.

Kathie Lee Gifford made a big blunder when interviewing Martin Short on “Today” Show Wednesday, May 30. The host mistakenly asked him about his wife Nancy Dolman who died two years ago, but has since realized her mistake and apologized for it.

Things got awkward when she said, “He and Nancy have one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business. How many years now for you guys?”

“We ..umm.. married 36 years,” he answered. Having no clue about the error, she kept pestering him by saying, “But you’re still, like, in love?” to which he replied with a smile, “Madly, madly in love.” When asked why, he simply said, “Cute, I’m cute.”

Well, that is some seriously admirable restraint from Short. That bitch just stepped on Ned Nederlander’s toes and lived to tell the tale. Between the inappropriate comments and the ghoulish facial prosthetics I’m tempted to believe she was just showing him her Jiminy Glick impression. Ha! She’s unpleasant to look at, is what I’d like you guys to come away from this with.

 

Source: Ace Showbiz

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5.29.12: Guitarist Doc Watson – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:49 am May 30, 2012

For anyone doubting that Watson was the most grizzled man of our time, it’s worth noting that this was his high school yearbook picture.

 

Today’s morbid blog post cash-in is Doc Watson. Watson was notable for kickstarting the trend of declaring yourself a doctor despite not, in actuality, having any medical qualifications. That’s right: Suess, J., Who, Robotnik, Martin, Doom, Feelgood, Teeth, *both* Dres… all frauds. Except for Demento. That guy has some serious credentials.

Watson also played guitar, but that didn’t serve my purposes nearly as well so I didn’t bother mentioning it until now. This is just between you and me, but I’m actually a pretty shitty journalist.

Watson, 89, who recorded more than 50 albums and won seven Grammy Awards, died Tuesday at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center in Winston-Salem, N.C., according to his representatives at Folklore Productions, a Santa Monica management company. He had undergone colon surgery Thursday.

With his natural ease as a storyteller, his heartfelt baritone singing, his repository of material and his facility on guitar, Watson was a rare combination of authenticity and artistry.

His example inspired a generation of musicians to explore obscure musical pockets, as well as to upgrade their instrumental technique toward the remarkably high standards he established. He is one of the prime sources of the hybrid, roots-conscious Americana genre, and a key influence on such noted players as Norman Blake, Tony Rice, Buddy Miller and Dan Crary.

Interestingly, yesterday also marked the 15-year anniversary of the tragic death of Jeff Buckley. Unfortunately most of the police departments that I’ve contacted so far refuse to accept that this may be part of a vast conspiracy. It seems pretty obvious to me that the Quindecennial Musician Killer is currently roaming the streets somewhere as the least prolific serial killer of all time. If the clues I’ve gathered are accurate, they’re all gonna look pretty stupid when I successfully foil the 2027 assassination attempt on Kevin Rowland of Dexys Midnight Runners.

 

Source: LA Times

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5.27.12: Boxer Johnny Tapia – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:35 am May 29, 2012

Apparently Tapia got his tattoos done by the same guy who airbrushed the 1986 Ford Econoline that’s been illegally parked across the street from me for the past year and a half.

 

Five time boxing champion Johnny Tapia is dead today, which is really something you should’ve gleaned from the headline and picture up there. I dunno, maybe you have some kind of cognitive learning disorder or something. I’m not a neurologist, get off my case.

Johnny Tapia, the five-time boxing champion whose turbulent career was marked by cocaine addiction, alcohol, depression and run-ins with the law, was found dead Sunday at his Albuquerque home. He was 45.

Authorities were called to the house at about 7:45 p.m. on Sunday, spokesman Robert Gibbs said. The death didn’t appear to be suspicious, he said.

Or at least that’s what spokesman Robert Gibbs would prefer everyone believe. This guy really seems to have a keen interest in wrapping this case up nice and quiet, is all I’m saying.

In a 1990s-era feud with fellow Albuquerque boxer and former world champion Danny Romero, Tapia’s fans anointed him with the slang Spanish title of “Burque’s Best.”

But his life was also marked by tragedy. He was orphaned at 8, his mother stabbed 26 times with a screwdriver and left to die.

JESUS CHRIST, MAN. Did this just turn into the script for a Jason Statham movie somehow? I was all set to complain about how I was gonna keep this post short because my knee feels weird, but now I guess I’ll just spend a few hours looking in the mirror and calling myself a pussy. Which is really more of a weekend activity, so this has kinda screwed up my whole dayplanner.

 

Source: Sports Illustrated

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5.21.12: Polka Icon Eddie Blazonczyk, Sr. – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:30 am May 28, 2012

Weird Al could not be reached for comment, presumably because he was busy writing a song about eating a lot. That’s gonna be a good one.

 

If you’re a big fan of polka music you’re most likely just a hipster doing it ironically and I hate you for that. But I kinda have to pretend I don’t, because you’re the only ones who would know who Eddie Blazonczyk, Sr. is, and this whole post really hinges on that. So, I dunno, man, maybe let’s go have a couple PBRs down at the Empty Bottle some time.

Anyway, now that we’re cool, it’s time to report that Blazoncyzk died last week of natural causes. The Chicago Tribune actually has a surprisingly interesting write-up, which opens with a line that made me laugh for reasons I can’t quite explain:

To anyone who followed polka music in Chicago and across America…

…I’m listening…

…Eddie Blazonczyk Sr. was the king.

As a Grammy-winning recording artist, radio broadcaster, record-label owner and perpetually traveling performer, Blazonczyk served as self-made nexus for all things polka.

That’s right: He was the Nexus of Polka. You know, like how Friar Ludvik Wenceslas of Olomouc is known as the Black Hole of Gregorian Chanting. And if that joke holds together under scrutiny it’s officially more cohesive than anything I wrote in my 400 level East European Studies course.

“He had his own publishing company, started his label, he had a music school and he was constantly touring with the Versatones,” added Blazonczyk Jr., referencing a band that flourished from the early 1960s until last December.

“He was a one-man enterprise for this music.”

In addition to the 1986 Grammy Blazonczyk won for “Another Polka Celebration,” he received more than a dozen Grammy nominations as well as one of this country’s most prestigious cultural honors, a National Heritage Fellowship, presented by then First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton in 1998.

“Polka was his life,” said Sturr. “People look down on our music … because they don’t know one thing about it. The only think they know is that their parents and their grandparents liked it, so they don’t like it.”

That’s true. I also don’t like tuxedo cats. If an animal without opposable thumbs can dress nicer than me without even trying I take it as a threat. But this isn’t about what animals do or do not make me uncomfortable. This is about finally showing some respect for a genre of music that’s been unfairly maligned for years, which is totally something I would take the time to do if it weren’t for Kohl’s Memorial Day Outerwear Sale, going on RIGHT NOW! Hey, you want me to post on a holiday, this is what happens.


Source: The Chicago Tribune

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5.20.12: Eugene Polly, Inventor of the Television Remote – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:25 am May 24, 2012

Despite being almost 60 years old, the original “Flash-Matic” bears an uncanny resemblance to the new “Flesh-Matic” I just ordered. (That’s the first of two masturbation jokes contained in this post, as required by state law.)

 

Zenith engineer Eugene Polly is dead today at the age of 96. In 1955 Polly created the first ever television remote control, the invention that’s enabled the lifestyles of diabetic cat ladies, morbidly obese shut-ins, and 12-year-old me’s who were able to watch unscrambled porn for just a second by rapidly flipping channels back and forth. God, masturbation used to be such a hassle. I can hardly believe there was a time before we had simple closed-circuit cameras hidden in our neighbors’ bedrooms. We really take our luxuries for granted, is my point.

John Taylor says the former Zenith engineer died of natural causes Sunday at a suburban Chicago hospital. He was 96.

Couch potatoes everywhere have Polley to thank for hours of feet-up, channel surfing. His invention began as a luxury, but has become a necessity in an era of hundreds of TV channels and home theaters. Just ask anyone who’s lost a remote.Polley’s 1955 Flash-Matic pointed a beam of light at photo cells in the corners of the screen. This activated the picture and sound and changed channels.

Polley and fellow Zenith engineer Robert Adler were honored in 1997 with an Emmy for their work in pioneering TV remotes.

That’s all pretty impressive until you find out that he was actually trying to create a death ray. To use on minorities, one could logically assume. What a monster!


Source: NY Daily News

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5.11.12: Local Strip-Club Patron/Pervert – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:55 am May 23, 2012

Eyewitness reports that the man once scored four touchdowns in a single game remain unconfirmed.

 

Well, nobody famous that I care about died today, so that means it’s time to mock a private citizen. It’s a little something called journalistic integrity.

A 67-year-old man died after enjoying a number of lap dances at a strip club.

Robert Gene White, from El Paso County, Texas, was at the Red Parrot strip club on Friday night.

Manager of the club said the elderly man had been getting lap dances, but when it came to paying the dancers, he was unresponsive.

Employees tried to perform CPR on White and when that didn’t work they called emergency responders.

He was take to a local hospital where he was declared dead from natural causes.

I’m doing pretty well for myself nowadays, if this construction paper top hat is any indication. Nonetheless, it’s a good idea to save money wherever you can, and White had a pretty solid situation going here. I mean, not the dying thing. Or the living in Texas thing, for that matter. Lord no. I’m still hoping that somehow the entire state is just an insanely intricate set for some unfinished Kurosawa film about cows.

No, I’m talking about faking your death and having a couple of fun-loving buddies haul you out of the club, Weekend at Bernie’s style, when the issue of payment comes up. It may not work, but I’ve gotta try something. I used to write strip clubs off as a medical expense but I think my CPA is dangerously close to discovering that “chronic bonerrhaging” has a spotty history in the healthcare community.

 

Source: Mail Online

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5.16.12: “Godfather of Go-Go” Chuck Brown – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:29 am May 22, 2012

Brown, seen here debuting a suit made out of Lil’ Kim’s vagina. 

 

The 70s Music Icon Killer, alternately known as ‘Pneumonia,’ has struck again, this time claiming the “Godfather of Go-Go,” Chuck Brown. The members of Earth, Wind & Fire are currently standing in a circle with their backs together while sleeping in shifts. Seriously, between Brown, Donna Summer, and Robin Gibb this place is starting to develop a weird 70s swarthiness that’s frankly making me feel pretty out of place. My chiseled physique and timeless fashion sense are a stark contrast to the polyester-ensconced rolls of flab I have to deal with lately. While you read this block quote I’m gonna go superglue a shag carpet to my chest just so I can fit in.

In the 1970s, Brown developed a style of funk music known as go-go. As The Post writes, it “soundtracked life in black Washington for more than three decades.” Chuck Brown was the scene’s leader and most visible participant, inspiring groups like Trouble Funk and Rare Essence.

Brown’s group, Chuck Brown and the Soul Searchers, had a national hit in 1978 with “Bustin’ Loose”, which topped the R&B singles chart and was later taken on as a home-run anthem for the city’s baseball team, the Washington Nationals. Nelly’s song “Hot in Herre” was built off of a sample of “Bustin’ Loose”. In 2009, the city of Washington named a street after him: Chuck Brown Way.

Fun fact: Brown also performed the theme song for The Sinbad Show in the 90s. What was *your* favorite episode? You’re probably gonna say episode 13, “The Dog Episode,” when a dog follows Zana home and she wants to adopt it. But you’re wrong. The real Sinbadophiles know that episode 3, “The Par-Tay” is a pitch-perfect satire of American excess, and is delivered with such craftsmanship that it makes episode 21, “The Family Reunion” look like episode 9, “Shades of Acceptance.” And, of course, that was a pile of dogshit.

And that’s today’s installment of “What’s the Most Embarrassing Tab Currently Open in James’ Firefox Window?”
 
Source: Pitchfork

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5.20.12: Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees – DEAD! A TDiD Follow-Up!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:25 am May 21, 2012

So that settles that: We CAN exist without Photoshop.

 

Today I have the… honor?… of posting the first-ever TDiD Follow-Up Report. So, uh… let’s do that, as uncomfortably as possible.

I know some of you don’t remember, or maybe weren’t even alive for, mid-April 2012, so here are a few key points from the era. Ask your parents for more information:

The GOP had not yet caught the so-called “Romney Fever” that seems so ingrained in our culture nowadays. FOX entertained dozens with a single dazzling season of The Finder. In the music world, Madonna’s MDNA was number one on the Billboard charts, because people with massive brain damage were still legally allowed to use money. And lastly, the Bee Gees’ Robin Gibb fell into a coma following complications related to pneumonia and colorectal cancer.

Well, unfortunately Gibb passed away yesterday at the age of 62, and I think I pretty much covered all of the other salient points in my previous post. I guess the idea of having a follow-up post is that I can half-ass it and go eat a big box of Fiddle Faddle instead of sitting here for another 15 minutes. If you feel like this is cheating you out of content I really would like to hear your thoughts. Please consult the email you received with your TDiD Platinum Subscription for the details of my personal Dedication Pledge. Also, I encourage you to message memberservices@thisdayindeath.com with your concerns. Wait, let me check something. Oh… Well, it looks like that email address doesn’t exist and there is no Platinum Subscription service. In fact, none of you freeloaders have given me a goddamn nickel for this shit. So maybe you can feel grateful for the fact that I care more venting my bilious rage than paying the rent and just be glad you got anything at all today.



Source: CNN

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5.17.12: Disco Icon Donna Summer – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:12 am May 18, 2012

Summer, seen here in what I’m pretty sure is the alley behind my apartment.

 

As someone who successfully skirted the 70s in their entirety, disco’s crimes against music don’t strike a particularly resonant chord (puns!) with me. I mean sure, having a genre that’s primarily defined by goofy pants and comical drug excess may not be our proudest cultural moment, but every generation figures out its own way to churn out gutless bullcrap, be it disco or hair metal or grunge or nu metal or whatever it is Bubba Sparxxx was supposed to be. At least disco popularized the concept of the brown note, bringing us one step closer to harnessing the power of sonics for use in the fecal warfare that our ape friends have spent centuries helping to prepare us for. My point is, music is a terrible, terrible thing.

But something something Disco Queen something something Donna Summer is dead. Of cancer. Because of course cancer. USA Today put together a nice little write-up about her, but I’m kinda doubtful of their sincerity considering they chose the most coked-out picture that has ever been taken of anyone for their article:

Seriously, this may not even be Summer at all, but rather a picture of an actual particle of cocaine as viewed through a microscope.

Summer came to prominence just as disco was burgeoning, and came to define the era with a string of No. 1 hits and her beauty-queen looks.

Disco became as much defined by her sultry, sexual vocals — her bedroom moans and sighs — as the relentless, pulsing rhythms of the music itself.

Love to Love You Baby, with its erotic moans, was her first hit and one of the most scandalous songs of the polyester-and-platform-heel era.

Unlike some other stars of disco who faded as the music became less popular, Summer was able to grow beyond it and later segued to a pop-rock sound. She had one of her biggest hits in the 1980s with She Works Hard For The Money, which became another anthem, this time for women’s rights.

This is sad. Truthfully this post has been going downhill ever since that coked up picture back there. Maybe we can just have some more fun with that.

 

 

You guys. I feel. SO. Much. Better now.

 

Source: USA Today

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5.9.12: Prince Harry, the Pygmy Hippo – ADORABLE! Also: DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:23 am May 17, 2012

Prince Harry with caretaker Toni Inggs, who should feel free to contact me if she’d like some romantic, candlelit tips in re: hippo mourning.

 

You know, I normally don’t feel too bad about running a blog that capitalizes on other people’s pain and suffering. The main reason is that a steady diet of Effexor and Small Wonder repeats has scraped off most of the remnants of human emotion that somehow managed to cling to the interior of my psyche. But today I hang my (handsome) head in shame to report that Prince Harry, the beloved pygmy hippo that managed to momentarily steal the internet’s attention away from pictures of cats who have a questionable grasp on grammar, has died. He experienced heart failure during surgery to correct a hernia. Even sadder, there are only about 3,000 of his species in existence, making him the ideal choice of pet for both wealthy eccentrics and college students who are desperate to assert their individuality. Because dogs are for conformos.

Alright, it has to be stated: Yes, that hippo broke new ground when it came to being adorable, and I would suckerpunch the Pope just to get him to lick my face with his cute little hippo tongue. But the fact remains that he’s not an actual prince, and that kind of malfeasance is a sore spot for me. Between this loveable asshole, Prince, and Queen Latifah I’ve given out way too many unnecessary curtsies. You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson after taking medical advice from *both* Dr. Dre’s, but no. Seriously, what were the odds that *neither* of them were actually doctors?



Source: Mail Online

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