This Day in Death

3.11.12: ‘Death With Dignity’ Champion Peter Goodwin – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 2:37 pm March 13, 2012

Good God are you genial! I have nothing snarky to add to that. Moving on.

 

Oregon physician Peter Goodwin, who championed a law in his state that would permit people to end their own lives if suffering from a terminal illness, has died at the age of 83. The Death With Dignity Act allowed Goodwin to use lethal chemicals in order to take his own life after struggling for years with a rare brain disorder. It’s a lot like when Christopher Reeve sunk all of his money into paralysis research, only in reverse. Because Goodwin wasn’t a self-serving jackhole who only started caring about medical advances when they affected him directly.

Considering that dying with dignity is his legacy, I think a funny joke to pull at Goodwin’s funeral would be to have the bottom of his casket fall out when the pallbearers pick him up, then everyone scrambles around really fast while the Benny Hill theme song plays. Hmm. You know, there’s very little difference between being ironic and just acting like a dick.

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3.3.12: Celebrity Impersonator Steve Bridges – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:16 am March 13, 2012

Bridges, seen here trying to keep you from noticing the open trunk of cartoon pirate treasure he is apparently standing in front of.

 

Celebrity impersonator Steve Bridges, known for his impressions of George W. Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Tom Brokaw among others, died last week of those always conclusive ‘natural causes.’ You might know him better from his appearance in the popular phrase, “Hey, it’s that guy who does the impressions. Let’s not watch this.” There’s a special sphere in Comedy Hell for celebrity impersonators, right next to prop comics, ventriloquists, and Gabriel Iglesias. Celebrity impersonators are to comedy what ‘coolers’ are to casinos; They show up when people are enjoying themselves and make sure that nobody leaves the room without feeling angry and a little ashamed about what just happened.  When you’re getting invited to pick up Frank Caliendo’s table scrapes you officially can only refer to yourself as an ‘entertainer’ ironically.

While we’re here, can somebody answer something for me:

 

 

So, like… are we cool with this stuff now, America? It really seems like something we’re gonna need a conclusive answer on, toot suite. My set at the Apollo kinda hinges on it.

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3.9.12: Angry Detroiter Buying Condoms – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 6:27 am March 12, 2012

Either this or a one-eyed teddy bear covered in meth dust can be found in front of literally every home in Detroit. It’s actually a pretty impressive commitment.

 

I’m from Detroit. I mean, like, Detroit Detroit. I grew up in a neighborhood where random winos would pass out on our lawn and arson was a spectator sport. So believe me and my emotionally crippled psyche when I tell you that the most surprising thing about this story is the complete lack of gang rape. Hell, this is downright civilized by Michigan standards. The D is coming back, baby!

WWJ’s Beth Fisher spoke to an employee at the BP gas station on Fenkell and Meyers, where the shooting took place on the city’s westside overnight. The employee said the argument was apparently over the price of a box of condoms.

He said the customer bought a box of condoms, but made a comment that he was overcharged and could have bought them somewhere else for a cheaper price. After being told he couldn’t get a refund, the customer allegedly began tossing items off the shelves. That’s when, according to the employee, the overnight clerk came out with a gun and fired a warning shot, which struck the customer in the shoulder.

Police say the customer was taken to a local hospital where he later died from his injuries.

Detroit: Where even the warning shots are aimed directly at your body. There’s just something in the atmosphere that turns everything all murdery. A fireworks display is like genocidal hellfire raining down from the sky there.

Ron Scott, with the Detroit Coalition Against Police Brutality, said they are working on conflict resolution between gas station owners and Detroiters, something they will be discussing at a meeting on Sunday.

“We can’t have this kind of attitude and this kind of disrespect for life. Whether it happens to people who work in the gas station or definitely if it happens to people in the community. From what I’m understanding, the price of a condom should not be somebody’s life,” said Scott.

Scott added, “Zing!” and then made a sound like a car going by while he waved his hand over his head. It was kind of a dick move, but really, that joke deserved a way stronger response.

It’s important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater on this story, though. There’s something important to discuss in all this, and that’s the fact that condoms are ridiculously overpriced. It’s the reason I’ve decided not to have sex with all of the beautiful women who are desperate to get a taste of this blogger sugar. Lady, until I start getting paid for this shit or you get a diaphragm we’re just gonna sit here and watch this F-Troop marathon.

 

Source: CBS Detroit

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03.08.12: Austin, Texas Street Transvestite Leslie Cochran – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:17 pm March 8, 2012

“Fine, Leslie. You can wear the pastel halter top with matching thong, but I’m putting on the Superman cape and neon orange mukluks. I swear, we go through this shit every Sunday before church.”

 

Austin, Texas weirdo/transvestite/frequent hobo Leslie Cochran is dead, leaving behind only Soy Bomb and Crispin Glover to carry on the proud legacy of being pointlessly weird and getting rewarded for it. Sorry, I’m just bitter because that was my major in college and it’s done jack all for me.

Hey, All Ablog Austin, why don’t you take a moment out of your busy schedule of having a name that doesn’t make any fucking sense and give me a block quote?

Mayor Lee Leffingwell was expected to proclaim Thursday and every March 8 forward Leslie Day in Austin. Friends and fans planned to gather at City Hall at 6 p.m. and parade to Sixth Street beginning at 7:30. Romness encouraged attendees to wear boas and tiaras.

When reached for comment, Leffingwell added, “Because we have absolutely nothing else to do here. Seriously, my ‘desk’ is just a mini-fridge full of PBR. I’m pretty sure this whole town runs on some sort of gypsy curse because I haven’t signed a piece of paperwork in years.”

 

Source: All Ablog Austin

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03.06.12: Woman Hit by Cannonball – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 11:39 pm March 6, 2012

It was gonna be this, a Nick Canon joke, or the obvious Cannonball Run reference. What can I say, I’m easily swayed by Man-Teets.

You guys aren’t gonna believe it, but a woman who lives in a mobile home was killed when her husband was futzing around with a weapon he clearly did not know how to operate properly! I know! I had to read it twice, too! Oh, I hope their bottle of 1869 Château Lafite and collection of Ming vases weren’t damaged!

Authorities in California say a 33-year-old San Diego County woman has been killed by a cannonball fired by her husband and another man.

U-T San Diego reports the woman was found dead at about 12:15 a.m. Tuesday after the ball slammed into her home at the Twin Lakes Resort mobile home park in Potrero, a tiny community near the Mexican border.

Alright, I’m making light of this, and I apologize. Cannonball death is a serious issue. It’s the third most common cause of death by archaic weaponry, right behind flail to the skull and having your dick knocked off by a boomerang. Technically that last one causes you to die of shame, but it still counts. Since this blog is primarily intended to help you live your best life™, here’s my three step process to cutting down on these sorts of accidents:

1.) Sell your cannon.
2.) Use money to avoid living in a mobile home.
3.) Continue not owning a cannon.

Remember: Success begins at home! As long as it’s not on wheels.

Source: SFGate

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03.05.12: Sri Lankan Man Who Buried Himself Alive – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:25 pm March 5, 2012

Don’t act like you know enough about Sri Lanka to disprove any of this.

 

I don’t really get the whole “World Record” thing. Doing something stupid for a longer period of time than the last jackass doesn’t turn it into a worthwhile use of your time. If what you were doing was worth a sloppy fart we’d theoretically find out about it through other means. Setting a world record was supposed to be something that just happened, not something you consciously shot for. Hell, the whole concept of The Guinness Book of World Records only came about because Sir Hugh Beaver, then managing director of the Guinness Brewery, got into a fight about what the fastest game bird was. Because this is what rich people get to spend their time on while you’re hanging drywall for 12 dollars an hour. (By the way, if you’re considering a career in the adult film industry, Hugh Beaver would be a solid name.)

But since nowadays everyone gets to be famous just for doing literally anything (except writing a death blog, apparently), we’ve got people who expect to see their names in lights for getting married two dozen times, or putting snails on their face, or burying themselves alive.

A Sri Lankan man has died while trying to set a record for the longest time spent buried alive, police said Monday.

Police said Janaka Basnayake, 24, buried himself over the weekend with the help of family and friends in a trench sealed with wood and soil in the town of Kantale, about 137 miles (220 kilometers) north of Sri Lanka’s capital, Colombo. A local newspaper reported that the trench was 10 feet (3 meters) deep.

 

It should be noted that this was Basnayake’s third time doing this, by the way. Once, when I was coming home from a night job, I was super tired and drove for about two blocks on the wrong side of the road before terror kicked in and made me pull over to the right. I never did that again, and I came away with a valuable lesson: If death gives you a freebie don’t wave that shit back in his face like a matador taunting a bull. Also, if you can, avoid being in Sri Lanka. I hear that when you flush the toilets there it comes right back up and sprays you in the face. It’s true!

Source: The Washington Post

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03.04.12: Ralph McQuarrie (‘Star Wars’ designer) – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 8:47 pm March 4, 2012

I have… literally no idea what I’m looking at.

 

Ralph McQuarrie, the designer largely responsible for creating many of the classic visual elements of the Star Wars universe, has died at the age of 82. If you want to know the truth I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars movies and therefore can’t really come at this from a very fair perspective. Sorry, but growing up the rental selection at my house skewed pretty hard towards direct-to-VHS movies about evil leprechauns and sexy frat parties where anything goes. Hearing that the guy who gave Darth Vader an asthma inhaler is dead doesn’t stir a lot of memories for me. But if the sound designer for Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter croaks anytime soon I’ve already got the obituary on standby.

 

Source: CBSNews

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03.01.12: Andrew Breitbart – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:33 am March 1, 2012

The blue eyes drew me in, but it was the pasty neck rolls that kept bringing me back.

 

Conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart is dead today at the age of 43. In memoriam, Matt Drudge brought out his most muted Geocities siren .gif. That’s the closest we’re going to get to a political joke here because I don’t feel like dealing with your stupid opinions one way or the other. You people sound like silverware stuck in a garbage disposal when you’re just ordering a cheeseburger, my eardrums would burst if I had to hear you shriek on about something you actually care about. I could wear a hornet’s nest as a hat and wouldn’t have to endure as much shrill nonsense. Great, now the blood pressure’s up. Give me something for the pain, Block Quote:

Andrew passed away unexpectedly from natural causes shortly after midnight this morning in Los Angeles.

We have lost a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a dear friend, a patriot and a happy warrior.

Andrew lived boldly, so that we more timid souls would dare to live freely and fully, and fight for the fragile liberty he showed us how to love.

I really don’t understand why we use the term “natural causes” in situations like this. He was 43.  Death at that age would only be ‘natural’ if Breitbart happened to be either a.) a New England colonist in the 1600s or b.) a zebra. Oh well. Don’t mind me, I’m just upset that I never bothered to ask him for blogging advice before starting up this site. If this thing isn’t a success then this ‘Blog Life’ stomach tattoo is just going to make me look goofy.

 

Source: Breitbart.tv

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