This Day in Death

02.17.12: MC5 Bassist Michael Davis – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:46 am February 17, 2012

Coulda been president, but he was too ‘real.’

 

Michael Davis, bassist for the hugely influential Michigan punk band MC5, died on Friday at the age of 68. Cause of death was liver disease, although if anyone wants to start a petition to legally switch Davis’ cause of death with Steve Irwin’s I’ll sign the hell out of that.  “Stingrayed to death” is a far more metal way to go and it’s sorta a waste to let some towheaded Aussie in short shorts claim it instead. You’d think there’d be a government organization dedicated to keeping this shit in order.

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02.16.12: Gary Carter – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:25 am February 16, 2012

…hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home…

 

Baseball Hall of Famer and totally not host body of a time-traveling Scott Bakula (your secret’s safe with me, Dr. Beckett!) Gary Carter has died today as the result of a brain tumor discovered last May.

I don’t know* much about baseball, so we’re just gonna shove in a block quote from SI.com. It’s like my high school guidance counselor always used to say, “I don’t know, man, just copy from someone else or something.” Then he’d ask me where he could “score some blaze.” That guy was awesome.

“Nobody loved the game of baseball more than Gary Carter. Nobody enjoyed playing the game of baseball more than Gary Carter. He wore his heart on his sleeve every inning he played,” Mets Hall of Fame pitcher Tom Seaver said.

After Carter’s diagnosis, the Mets began playing a highlight reel of his accomplishments on the video board during games at Citi Field and posted this message: “Our thoughts are with you Gary. From your millions of fans and the New York Mets.”

“His nickname `The Kid’ captured how Gary approached life,” the Mets said Thursday in a statement. “He did everything with enthusiasm and with gusto on and off the field. His smile was infectious. … He was a Hall of Famer in everything he did.”

Hang on, the best nickname anyone could come up with was ‘The Kid’? Step it up, MLB, it’s not like great nicknames are that hard to come by. Hell, I’m known as the World’s Sexiest Grandpa and all I had to do was go to Spencer Gifts and buy a mug that said so.

Nevertheless, Carter seemed like a good enough dude, and he harkens back to a time when professional sports didn’t exist solely to convince me that a guy tossing a ball is the cultural equivalent of ten Industrial Revolutions and a Renaissance. You mean to tell me that draping a 200-foot image of LeBron in a non-ironic Jesus pose over the side of your stadium turned out to be an embarrassing exercise in hyperbolic ego-stroking? Well excuse me while I scramble for my monocle, for you see I have lost it in shock!

 

*or care

Source: SI.com

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02.12.12: David Kelly – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 1:23 am February 12, 2012

 

This is how I have chosen to honor this man’s career.

 

Irish actor David Kelly, most notable to American audiences as Grandpa Joe in Completely Interchangeable Tim Burton Project #4873 (released in the states as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), died on Sunday from complications related to being a billion years old.  How do none of these people think to sell their souls to Satan for eternal youth? That’s a deal that can’t possibly backfire!

Kelly also once played an old guy riding a motorcycle naked in Waking Ned Devine. Yup, he got paid to do that, but when I try the same thing they kick me out of the block association. Welcome to Obama’s America.

None of that ringing a bell? Well, maybe you remember him from The Calcium Kid, a late-career gem with a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Or perhaps you know him from Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, where his character is listed as ‘Trivial.’ Goddamn, when you can’t be trusted with a meaningful role in a Frankie Muniz vehicle aimed at dunderheads who thought there were way too many loose ends left at the end of the first Agent Cody Banks movie it may be time to make some serious phone calls.

In his free time Kelly enjoyed drinking to excess and assaulting people with whom he had had minor disagreements, because he was Irish and I am horribly judgmental.

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02.11.12: Whitney Houston – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 1:41 am February 11, 2012

You are fucking kidding me.

 

Annnnnnnnd the site begins in earnest with the death of an old, soiled dishrag that a sick doberman slept on for a few years. Wait, Whitney Houston? Seriously? Holy Christ. Cause of death has not yet been determined but if I had to hazard a guess I’d go with everything. Every last possible thing that a human being could die from. While we wait for the autopsy I’m gonna go reverse image search that picture. There’s no way a real person has ever looked like that. It’s like someone left a wax statue of a transvestite out in the sun.

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