This Day in Death

02.29.12: Davy Jones – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 11:30 pm February 29, 2012

If you wanna argue with Google Images be my guest, but that’s definitely Nesmith on the left.

 

Bad news for people who like The Beatles but wish they had way less balls. And had other people write most of their songs for them. Basically, bad news for my mom. She’s gonna be crushed. I still haven’t told her about Perry Como.

Which is all a very eloquent way of letting you know that Monkee/three-time ‘Man-Teet & Eerily Hairless Chest Competition’ champion Davy Jones has died due to a heart attack. Look, I’m doing my best here but I’m gonna have a hard mustering up much nostalgic sympathy for some dude whose claim to fame is a boy band that nobody’s thought about in ages. It’s like asking me to care when Joey Fatone inevitably dies from starvation after spending a week with his head stuck in a honey pot. It’s just the natural order of things.

 

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02.28.12: Eldery Chinese Woman Who Was Presumed Dead – HANGING ON!

Filed under: Hanging On —James @ 9:48 pm February 28, 2012

She’s the Chinese David Blaine, only minus the sloping caveman brow and the hard-to-place ethnicity.

 

A 95-year-old Chinese woman has returned from the dead, clawing her way out of her coffin six days after passing, in order to make something to eat. Either that or she wasn’t actually dead. I’m really not sure, since I only skimmed this article.  I’ve just got a lot on my plate right now, you know?

Because Mrs Xiufeng [the victim] lived alone, Mr Qingwang [Xiufeng’s neighbor] and his son made preparations for her funeral, which included keeping the coffin in the house for several days for friends and relatives to pay their last respects.

The ‘dead’ woman was laid in her coffin on February 19, two days after she was discovered.

However, Mr Qingwang chose not to nail the coffin shut ahead of the planned burial on February 24.

The day before the funeral, Mr Qingwang arrived at his neighbour’s house to find the coffin empty and the corpse gone.

After searching for the missing body, the villagers were stunned to find Mrs Xiufeng sitting on a stool in her kitchen cooking.

Well, that’s a heartwarming story. Is there a way we can put a super depressing twist on the end of this?

But, despite ‘cheating’ death, the same local tradition has left Mrs Xiufeng with nothing as, according to tradition, after a person dies, all their belongings must be burnt.

God, that sounds like the shittiest Adam Sandler movie since Little Nicky. Or Eight Crazy Nights. Or Click. Or Grown-Ups. Or Jack and Jill. Dammit, Sandler! Just give us Billy Madison 2! Why won’t you let us laugh?!

A county hospital reportedly believes Mrs Xiufeng suffered an artificial death, during which the person has no breath, but the body remains warm.

I gotta say, that sits a little funny with me. “Artificial death” sounds a hell of a lot like “We have no goddamn idea what happened but we’re doctors so who’s going to question it if we just make some shit up?” I think the big takeaway here is that Chinese doctors are awful. I would sooner get an appendectomy from a chimpanzee than let a Chinese doctor so much as check my pupils. At least the chimpanzee might wear a funny hat or an over-sized white coat with a stethoscope hanging over the neck, and that would go a long way with me. “Ha ha!” I’d say. “Laughter really is the best medicine! You’re alright, Doctor Bananas!”

 

Source: Mirror

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2.19.12: Steve Kordek (Pinball Innovator) – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:15 pm February 28, 2012

If the pinball thing hadn’t worked out he definitely could’ve fallen back on his degree in wearing awesome windbreakers.

 

Pinball innovator Steve Kordek died last week at the age of 100. Kordek created the dual flipper design for the game, effectively defining the modern pinball machine as we know it today. Or, more precisely, as 1950s greasers who needed to kill time before impregnating both of the Pickerelli Twins in the alley behind the malt shop knew it. That is a lifestyle that is in dire need of a comeback.

Mr Kordek’s mark in history as the man who revolutionised the classic arcade game almost did not happen – he was walking in Chicago in 1937 when he was caught in a rainstorm without an umbrella, forcing him into the nearest lobby for shelter.

The lobby was that of Genco, which was for a prominent pinball factory. Mr Kordek unexpectedly walked out with a job, earning 45 cents an hour soldering on the production line.

That’s right: In 1937 you could walk into literally any building and leave with a job. It was a magical time of great prosperity for all! Your great grandpa is such a fucking liar, man.

Source: MailOnline

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02.27.12: Jan Berenstain (creator of ‘The Berenstain Bears’) – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:46 pm February 27, 2012

Maybe I should’ve gone with a picture of Jan instead, but she was super old and that’s really a downer for me. Oh, and my condolences to her family.

 

Jan Berenstain, the creator of the (somewhat narcissistically titled) Berenstain Bears series of books is dead at the age of 88. I’m kind of at a loss for what I’m gonna read now, because it sure as hell ain’t gonna be anything from those Choose Your Own Adventure assholes. Hey pal, don’t drop that responsibility on me. If those shitty kids can’t find their own way out of that labyrinth I’m not taking the fall for it.

The Berenstains’ ursine family most often confronted issues common to most families — the arrival of a new sibling, getting homesick at summer camp, the etiquette of trick-or-treating.

“Family values is what we’re all about,” Jan Berenstain told an interviewer last year.

“She’s dead? Gritty film reboot!” said Hollywood, before eating a bag of money and seeing if The Rock was available to screen test for Papa Bear. But wait, I get the sense that there’s something else here. Something… hilariously racist…

In a 1994 book, “New Neighbors,” the Berenstain Bears confronted racism in their very midst: Papa Bear, acting standoffishly toward the new neighbors, the Asian-looking Panda family, admitted to feelings of prejudice and learned the error of his ways.

Way to bury the lede, New York Times! Why was I not aware of this book until now? God. Next family reunion, I’m pushing my mom into a mud puddle.

 

Source: NYTimes

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02.26.12: Ian Abercrombie (Seinfeld’s Mr. Pitt) – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:06 am February 26, 2012

“So what picture should I use for the post aboutOH SHIT YES!” -Me, five minutes ago.

 

Wow. It is not a good year to be the boss of a Seinfeld character. First the threat of amputation drove Daniel Von Bargen to an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and now kidney failure has taken Mr. Pitt himself, Ian Abercrombie, at the tender age of 77. Sleep with one eye open, J. Patrick McCormack!

It must suck to be an actor who’s most well-known role is that of a completely unlikable manchild like Mr. Pitt. Thankfully most people know me best from my turn as Rizzo, the beloved leader of the Pink Ladies, in my high school’s production of Grease. A lot of people said that a boy shouldn’t have been cast in the role to begin with, but when that curtain rose my angelic falsetto and baby-smooth gams made those parents’ groups look foolish.

Source: iVillage

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2.25.12: Guy Hit By a Naked Fire Enginer Driver – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 9:51 pm February 25, 2012

Why hello there, internet traffic of a questionable variety.

 

And now we have a “nudity” tag. You see? Everyone plays a part in this cosmic ballet.

A naked man stole a fire truck at a South Carolina apartment complex and sped away, killing a pedestrian who was walking on a sidewalk, authorities said Saturday.

The fire engine driver, identified as 26-year-old Kalvin Hunt, drove about two miles Friday before he hit a man, careened off the road and crashed into some trees, authorities said. Hunt, who was pinned inside the fire truck, was freed by rescue workers, and then started assaulting two police officers…

Wow. That is called commitment to your crime spree. Criminals these days are all smash, shoot, grab, smash, rape, smash, grab, malfeasance. There’s no art to it, no applied skills. You ever attempt to pull off a three-point turn in a stolen fire truck? At least this guy gave it the old college try, and… uh… Sorry you guys, I really want to comment on this, and I realize I’m breaching decorum here, but this is really distracting. Can we just see that headline picture one more time?

 

Alright, I’m not saying I’m beginning to like it, just that I think I’m starting to understand it.

 

Source: MSNBC

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02.25.12 – Some Zimbabwean Prostitute – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 1:58 am February 25, 2012

Three abandoned Photoshops and twenty minutes of image searching later and this was the only picture I could come up with that wasn’t either racist or incredibly depressing. So enjoy this view of Zimbabwe’s majestic Victoria Falls, where dreams are made!

 

Obviously, the best way to give this story the solemn dignity it demands is with a clumsy run-on sentence. What have you got for me, Zimbabwean news site that’s obviously not written by native English-speakers?

The woman [editor’s note: he means whore] had been hired overnight on Sunday evening, but decided to wash her clients clothes the following morning and as she was hanging the clothes on the laundry line, she was electrocuted, dying on the spot, said Lameck Chirwa, who stays in the neighbourhood where the incident occurred.

Mmmmm, that’s some spicy poor syntax! But hang on… can you clarify something for me…

The sex worker, Mati Nhamo, had reportedly spent the night at her clients place

She spent the night? Dude! Hasn’t this guy ever heard that you don’t pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave afterward? And this guy has the nerve to call himself a degenerate. *cracks air whip repeatedly*

Beyond that, Nhamo’s family is refusing to bury her until the client, Last Mbele (cool name, bro), first pays them a dowry. This guy signed up for a simple, carefree night of swimming in the kind of South African STDs that make Gonorrhea look like a stubbed toe and instead got boondoggled into a marriage. Zimbabwe: Teaching you that prostitution is wrong, but for totally different reasons than you thought.

Source: NewsDay

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02.24.12: Most of the Animals PETA is Responsible For – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 4:59 pm February 24, 2012

On the one hand I hate that Olivia Munn endorses PETA, and also that she’s made a comfortable living off of pretending to be a nerd, thereby exploiting the insecurities of countless young people. On the other hand: Boobs. You can see the bind I’m in.

 

Look, I like animals. They have soft fur and their giant paw prints help me find my way around amusement parks and state fairs. But, like any civilized person, I hate PETA for their counterproductive measures that come off more like real-life trolling than actually trying to improve the living conditions of seriously mistreated animals. Thus, I’m always up for tossing a metaphorical rock at them and then hiding behind a dumpster. Unfortunately this story is coming from some right-wing rag and is stuffed with a painfully transparent amount of bias, but this site isn’t about parsing out political rhetoric. I don’t have the hair to pull an Edward Murrow on anybody. No, I’m just a humble man who writes a blog about death because he refuses to get a job that won’t allow him to wear a poncho every day. Where death goes, so goes this blog. So Block Quote, please pull me out of this rambling paragraph:

Documents published online this month show that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, an organization known for its uncompromising animal-rights positions, killed more than 95 percent of the pets in its care in 2011.

Fifteen years’ worth of similar records show that since 1998 PETA has killed more than 27,000 animals at its headquarters in Norfolk, VA.

In a February 16 statement, the Center said PETA killed 1,911 cats and dogs last year, finding homes for only 24 pets.

In fairness, most of those animals were sick or otherwise considered unadoptable. In a way, death was the best option for them. So, uh… all’s well that ends well, I guess!

There’s one thing we can all agree on, though: Nobody cares what happens to the sea lamprey. Man… fuck those guys.



Source: The Daily Caller

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02.22.12: Daniel Von Bargen (George Castanza’s Boss) – HANGING ON!

Filed under: Hanging On —James @ 10:45 pm February 22, 2012

Hipster Jason Alexandar was photobombing before you even knew that was a thing.

 

Actor Daniel Von Bargen, best known as Seinfeld’s Mr. Kruger and Chief Grady in Super Troopers, is currently in critical condition after an unsuccessful suicide attempt, TMZ reports. Apparently Von Bargen, distraught over the prospect of having his toes amputated as a result of his diabetes, shot himself in the temple. Somehow this not only failed to kill him but also left him coherent enough to phone police, suggesting he’s either an atrocious marksman or he has a surprisingly tiny head. Ugh. Let the record show that I don’t feel good about any of what I just typed.

TMZ also has audio of his 911 call if you’re the kind of sick weirdo who’s interested in that kind of thing, because I’m not embedding it here. Really, I have Google Reader ceaselessly trawling the internet for any mention of the word “dead” and even I think that shit’s too morbid to listen to. But, you know, whatever gets you through the day, man.

I hope Von Bargen pulls through, but considering he was trying to kill himself surviving sorta doesn’t entirely address the root of the problem here. Hmm. Who would’ve figured this blog would have some posts that end on a dour note? Hindsight’s 20/20, I guess.

Source: TMZ

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02.18.12: Yellow Cedar Trees – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 5:49 am February 18, 2012

Look, tree deaths count as deaths. Deal.

 

Alright, I realize this story is kinda on the outer fringe of the premise here but I’m posting it mainly because I seriously didn’t believe Alaska was a real place. Up until twenty minutes ago I would’ve guessed it was where Puff the Magic Dragon was from or something. So people are actually living up there, spittin’ chaw  from their herped-out lips as they ride out on mooseback to the bi-monthly log cabin gangbang? Please at least tell me the National Guard has a 24-hour quarantine to keep those freaks from escaping. Give me something else to think about, Block Quote:

Climate warming is killing off yellow cedar. The mighty trees can live more than 1,000 years, resisting bugs and rot and even defending themselves against injury, but their shallow roots are vulnerable to freezing if soil is not insulated by snow. And for more than a century, with less snow on the ground, frozen roots have killed yellow cedar on nearly a half-million acres in southeast Alaska, plus another 123,000 acres in adjacent British Columbia.

Granted it’s pretty embarrassing that these trees are dying out because of global warming (in terms of bad-ass deaths, it’s basically the geological equivalent of accidentally swallowing a Bazooka Joe wrapper), but they still took way less shit than that Giving Tree pussy. The only thing a yellow cedar would let that mooching kid make out of his trunk is a coffin to shove his freeloading ass into.

Source: The News Tribune

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