This Day in Death

2.10.14: Shirley Temple – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 10:42 pm February 12, 2014

SHIRLEY_TEMPLEMake sure not to confuse her with Mae West, who was merely the Führer of about three million hearts, tops.


Shirley Temple, the child actor of the 1930s and 40s who helped us all to discover exactly how much entertainment content a movie had to possess before we’d resort to reading books, has died at the age of 85. Temple also inspired a famous non-alcoholic drink that shares her name. Or maybe it was already her mom’s favorite drink and she just named her kid after it, which happens sometimes. That’s how my name was almost 40 of Olde English in a Crumpled Paper Bag, before that teetotaling nurse refused to put it on the birth certificate.

Hey! Maybe the internet knows! Block Quote, let’s browse this harmless article for answers:

In 1932, Shirley was spotted by an agent from Educational Pictures and chosen to appear in “Baby Burlesks,” a series of sexually suggestive one-reel shorts in which children played all the roles. The 4- and 5-year-old children wore fancy adult costumes that ended at the waist. Below the waist, they wore diapers with oversize safety pins.

Urhm. I don’t know what happened during World War II, mostly because I hollowed out my 11th grade history textbook so I could have a place to store a grooming kit for my killer teenage trash ‘stache. But I do know we came out the other end of the war with pervy shit like that being absolutely not cool. Let’s casually walk away from this and try again:

Not everyone was a Shirley Temple fan. The novelist Graham Greene, who was also a film critic, was sued by 20th Century Fox for his review of “Wee Willie Winkie” in the magazine Night and Day, which he edited. In the review, he questioned whether she was a midget and wrote of her “well-shaped and desirable little body” being served up to middle-aged male admirers.

Alright, you know, after all of those moms signed that petition, I agreed to stop hanging out at elementary school playgrounds. And if those toxicology reports say there was anything but pure granulated sugar in my lemonade then the police should be asking questions to the team of Walter Whites they’ve got working at Splenda, and leave me and my unmarked van out of it. Nonetheless, I complied, just to avoid causing a scene. But this is my blog, paid for with my lemonade stand money, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna tiptoe through it just because we’ve got a few degenerates out there who have to find something odd in a group of single, adult men desperately trying to impress a toddler. Fuck it, we’re forging on! BLOCK QUOTE: HIT ME AGAIN!

What Fox had dropped, MGM picked up eight months later. But the little girl was now entering adolescence. On her first visit to MGM, Mrs. Black wrote in her autobiography, the producer Arthur Freed unzipped his trousers and exposed himself to her. Being innocent of male anatomy, she responded by giggling, and he threw her out of his office.

Forget it, I’m not doing this one. I’m just not. You try to run an honest little deathblog so that your children, Fifth of Hennessy and Half a Carton of Newport Lights, can have something to be proud of their old man for, and someone has to go and make it unpleasant. That’s the real death of the American Dream. Goddammit, isn’t this why we fought Hitler in the first place? I mean, I honestly don’t know, but I’d bet it’s in there somewhere.

Source: The NY Times